company
despite my mopey last post and my ongoing preoccupation with relationships, i have to say, i am quite happy being alone. i find myself less willing to adjust my life and daily activities around other people's obsessions (except for friends and acquaintances, with whom i always learn something new). it's easier now to recognize when they just don't jive. it's not enough for them to be sweet, or attractive, or bonkers (the latter seems to be the only common feature among my lovers).
i know that the next one needs to be just as adventurous as me - preferably more so, so that they challenge me to grow in that direction. also, they can't worship, or be threatened by, my sense of adventure (since, it seems, worship and abuse seem to go hand in hand).
it should be someone that i have to strive to deserve.
there has to be some physical spark - since i rely such a great deal on sensual communication of emotion - but first and foremost, we should be friends.
i would like for this person to be a colleague, meaning someone i can work with, or maybe our respective projects could be complementary. it's not going to work if my ambitions and ideals are threatening and spark someone's insecurity issues or contribute to their personal sense of unfulfillment. in other words, if they are jealous of what i do, they're not doing enough themselves. and if they can only dominate, not collaborate, that won't work, either.
there has to be mutual trust. if they continually expect and repetitively demand to be the center of my attention, it means they are giant vacuums inside. such people won't ever recognize the fact that i will give everything of my own accord if only my partner has the capacity to accept (and also, give). acceptance, it seems, is much more difficult than one might suppose. i should know: trust is particularly hard for me. have i ever really trusted a lover? ...no. respect, love, yes; but trust, no.
which leads to mutual respect. this should get rid of the chronic verbal abuse problem.
if this person can only utter complaints about what i am not doing for him, that should be a warning sign. instead, we should both reflect on what the other person likes and needs. we should both be givers, and make it safe for the other to give.
and i guess i have to accept that, given my track record, there does need to be some looniness involved - or, really, the person needs to have an open mind and a certain respect for, or sense of humor about, the dark aspects of life. this is a part of me that's not going away and it drives much of my passion in life.
if i can't find this, i really just don't need intimate company, except the most fleeting and physically driven.
i know that the next one needs to be just as adventurous as me - preferably more so, so that they challenge me to grow in that direction. also, they can't worship, or be threatened by, my sense of adventure (since, it seems, worship and abuse seem to go hand in hand).
it should be someone that i have to strive to deserve.
there has to be some physical spark - since i rely such a great deal on sensual communication of emotion - but first and foremost, we should be friends.
i would like for this person to be a colleague, meaning someone i can work with, or maybe our respective projects could be complementary. it's not going to work if my ambitions and ideals are threatening and spark someone's insecurity issues or contribute to their personal sense of unfulfillment. in other words, if they are jealous of what i do, they're not doing enough themselves. and if they can only dominate, not collaborate, that won't work, either.
there has to be mutual trust. if they continually expect and repetitively demand to be the center of my attention, it means they are giant vacuums inside. such people won't ever recognize the fact that i will give everything of my own accord if only my partner has the capacity to accept (and also, give). acceptance, it seems, is much more difficult than one might suppose. i should know: trust is particularly hard for me. have i ever really trusted a lover? ...no. respect, love, yes; but trust, no.
which leads to mutual respect. this should get rid of the chronic verbal abuse problem.
if this person can only utter complaints about what i am not doing for him, that should be a warning sign. instead, we should both reflect on what the other person likes and needs. we should both be givers, and make it safe for the other to give.
and i guess i have to accept that, given my track record, there does need to be some looniness involved - or, really, the person needs to have an open mind and a certain respect for, or sense of humor about, the dark aspects of life. this is a part of me that's not going away and it drives much of my passion in life.
if i can't find this, i really just don't need intimate company, except the most fleeting and physically driven.