public post.
i don't know what's getting into me lately. i feel off-balance and antagonistic, and i don't know how to get back on track.
my thoughts are fucking with me, inside and out. they seem to not only control my emotions, but are affecting my body as well. i can't focus or stay happy or feel pleasant for any extended periods of time. maybe it's just hormones? maybe not.
i feel... so suspicious and on-edge and self-conscious. i can't relax, i can't let go, i can't purely feel without any strings attached. i'm trying so hard to push it out and aside, but it's pounding in my head and driving me insane.
i want things to return to how they were, i really do. but it's not as easy as i thought it would be. i realize i'm trying to push you away, push your buttons, piss you off. i don't really want to do that but it's the only way i know how to cope with anything.
i want with every part of my being to be able to trust you- but i don't. i'm way more afraid of you fucking up than you are, trust me. i fear not being there in certain circumstances, especially if they involve alcohol. but it's not that i don't just trust you.. i don't trust anyone. there's not one single person that i don't believe could betray me any second. everyone is always a potential enemy.
a part of my heart that loves is numb. i've been distancing myself from everyone lately- family, friends, etc. if i don't feel, i can't hurt, right? i just want to feel safe and indestructable one more time. i'm tired of my life reflecting lines from an emo song.
<3
my thoughts are fucking with me, inside and out. they seem to not only control my emotions, but are affecting my body as well. i can't focus or stay happy or feel pleasant for any extended periods of time. maybe it's just hormones? maybe not.
i feel... so suspicious and on-edge and self-conscious. i can't relax, i can't let go, i can't purely feel without any strings attached. i'm trying so hard to push it out and aside, but it's pounding in my head and driving me insane.
i want things to return to how they were, i really do. but it's not as easy as i thought it would be. i realize i'm trying to push you away, push your buttons, piss you off. i don't really want to do that but it's the only way i know how to cope with anything.
i want with every part of my being to be able to trust you- but i don't. i'm way more afraid of you fucking up than you are, trust me. i fear not being there in certain circumstances, especially if they involve alcohol. but it's not that i don't just trust you.. i don't trust anyone. there's not one single person that i don't believe could betray me any second. everyone is always a potential enemy.
a part of my heart that loves is numb. i've been distancing myself from everyone lately- family, friends, etc. if i don't feel, i can't hurt, right? i just want to feel safe and indestructable one more time. i'm tired of my life reflecting lines from an emo song.
<3