public post
yesterday [or rather, early this morning] i was fine. now, i'm not.
why do i care so much about what everyone else thinks of me? it gets me every time. approval. satisfaction. harmony. good of the group. first impressions. it runs my life and i can't take it anymore.
i walk into a crowd of strangers and everybody's staring at me. "what is she wearing" "how is her hair" "what does her face express" "i bet she's this and that and everything else". enclosed, trapped, helpless. i can't breathe. "i'm you!" i shout. but no one hears me through their own protective bubble. "love me. love me. because i love each one of you. i will, i promise." nobody cares to scream 'i love you' back, unless he or she has something to personally gain from it.
why are there so many tangles? this is not where i want to be; i don't want this energy surrounding me. i feel so torn. i'm at the center holding a handful of strings, each one attached on the other end to a person i have some sort of connection with. family, friends, ex-friends, institutions. where are my loyalties? how can i live completely and totally true and honest? and i look up from the familiar faces in the crowd and see a version of myself hovering above in the sky. i'm mouthing something that i can't exactly make out, or maybe i just don't want to see it. "love me," she says to me. "you ask everyone to love you except me. love me and i'll love you and we can be happy together. i'm all that you'll need."
and i draw my gaze back to the people and the strings, and i'm even more torn then before. how can i make everyone happy? how can everyone win? i don't want to hurt or be hurt.
"here," i say to everyone. "take this piece of me. borrow it, protect it, keep it safe. part of me is with you now and always will be. if you mistreat it or abuse it, it is you that must nurse it and face the consequences, because it belongs to only you now. but every time you harm it, know that i feel it too."
and so i divide myself up, and keep a small bit called the heart for myself. sometimes those pieces get burnt or stepped on, but sometimes they fall into tender and caring arms. and it is for that that i live and love and will always continue to. i will not stop giving myself away. because i will always, always have at least one person who loves me, all of me- burnt, bruised, broken, or in whatever condition i may be. my life is for them- my inspiration; my hope; my reason for truth, love, and kindness. i love you. you don't need to love me.
<3
why do i care so much about what everyone else thinks of me? it gets me every time. approval. satisfaction. harmony. good of the group. first impressions. it runs my life and i can't take it anymore.
i walk into a crowd of strangers and everybody's staring at me. "what is she wearing" "how is her hair" "what does her face express" "i bet she's this and that and everything else". enclosed, trapped, helpless. i can't breathe. "i'm you!" i shout. but no one hears me through their own protective bubble. "love me. love me. because i love each one of you. i will, i promise." nobody cares to scream 'i love you' back, unless he or she has something to personally gain from it.
why are there so many tangles? this is not where i want to be; i don't want this energy surrounding me. i feel so torn. i'm at the center holding a handful of strings, each one attached on the other end to a person i have some sort of connection with. family, friends, ex-friends, institutions. where are my loyalties? how can i live completely and totally true and honest? and i look up from the familiar faces in the crowd and see a version of myself hovering above in the sky. i'm mouthing something that i can't exactly make out, or maybe i just don't want to see it. "love me," she says to me. "you ask everyone to love you except me. love me and i'll love you and we can be happy together. i'm all that you'll need."
and i draw my gaze back to the people and the strings, and i'm even more torn then before. how can i make everyone happy? how can everyone win? i don't want to hurt or be hurt.
"here," i say to everyone. "take this piece of me. borrow it, protect it, keep it safe. part of me is with you now and always will be. if you mistreat it or abuse it, it is you that must nurse it and face the consequences, because it belongs to only you now. but every time you harm it, know that i feel it too."
and so i divide myself up, and keep a small bit called the heart for myself. sometimes those pieces get burnt or stepped on, but sometimes they fall into tender and caring arms. and it is for that that i live and love and will always continue to. i will not stop giving myself away. because i will always, always have at least one person who loves me, all of me- burnt, bruised, broken, or in whatever condition i may be. my life is for them- my inspiration; my hope; my reason for truth, love, and kindness. i love you. you don't need to love me.
<3