Worried...
What do you do when someone close to you won't do what needs to be done? What do you do when they're in a situation that's destructive to mind and heart? I'm not alone in feeling the situation needs to end, but it's not our call to make. It has to be the one actually in the situation.
I learned long ago that you can't save people...you can only help them help (and hopefully save) themselves. The hardest part is watching efforts stagnate due to wishful thinking and recurring feelings of failure. I feel kinda like a wartime soldier, only instead of watching friends die in battle, I watch them turn their hearts and rational minds inside-out looking for a way to make things right, when the cost in effort and sanity is just too high to be reasonable. I'm seeing it far too often and it's taking it's toll.
Please understand that I'm not complaining, feeling like some victim, or that I'm worse off than anyone. The fact is, I'm not. I choose to be there for my friends and my family. I've chosen to stand by them and do what I can, no matter how little it may be. I just wish there was more I could do.
How ironic that seeing all this pain, especially in regards to relationships, instead of being happy to be single, I'm really feeling the void. Perhaps it's because I feel I've seen enough mistakes made that I can avoid the most common ones. Maybe I just think I can do it better. Or, maybe I'm just as deluded as everyone else and want to be a part of something that's just going to hurt both of us in the end...
Nah, I don't buy that. I think that modern society has come to a point where people rush too fast, try too hard, and fall too easily to their own weaknesses instead of working with those around them to see truth and become stronger. Weakness is inherent in all of us, just as is immeasurable strength. If there's one thing I've learned over the years between personal experience, witnessing that of others, and reading or watching some fantastical creation of fiction, it's that one thing rings loud and clear above all others: trust in your friends. Be there for them and allow them to be there for you. Never face your demons alone.
That last one is the hardest one. When someone chooses face their demons alone, or strengthen one as to hold all others at bay (ie: substance abuse), it will consume them. Worse, it consumes all those around them who try to help. When the one in trouble refuses to ask for or accept help, they become a danger to those around them. Some get physically violent, but most often it's emotionally damaging to everyone involved. The true danger to those closest is in their own feelings. The feeling of total helplessness, the want to do more, but most importantly (and this is the key that separates the normal from the dangerous), the feeling that by walking away to save one's own sanity and/or heart, they are abandoning the one who needs them. On one level, perhaps that's true...it's self-preservation at it's core. The difference between self-preservation and running away is the difference between running from an explosion and running from a security guard. The former sees you saving your own life and ability to live it effectively. The latter is merely an inconvenience, often due to one's own stupidity. To get away from someone who has chosen time and time again to face their demons alone is self-preservation in, I believe, it's purest form. The truth of the matter is, you ARE running from an explosion at that point. Who can you help if their demons take over and it turns on you?
Everyone has demons. Everyone's own demons are bigger than anyone else's. Why? Because they're yours. It's not a new philosophy, it's true. "My problems could beat up your problems because they're bigger and meaner." It's actually true, to an extent. Problems that affect one's own life are always going to seem bigger than those affecting someone else. Yes, one could look at another person's situation and say "man, I don't really have it that bad after all". That's nice, but that sentiment will fade real quick when the phone rings and it's the credit card company calling about your third month of late or no payment just as the electric company cuts your power. (No, this has not happened to me, but the analogy holds.)
I tend to listen to others' problems for both the feeling I get from being able to help (even if only by just letting someone vent) and from the fact that it puts my own into perspective. I don't tend to think of my demons as that big. Sure, I've got my share...but they're fairly small. I think this is partially because I acknowledge them and see them for what they are. Many people don't admit to theirs and let it just build until it crushes them.
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I know all last week (heck, this past month), my demons were getting a good grip on me. Although small, and relatively few when I really think about it, they can really do some damage when they coordinate! It's also not healthy to ignore them when they start shouting, despite their small size. Between the holidays, money issues, bills, friends being unavailable (for legitimate reasons, though it's hard to think that way sometimes), living alone (which is nice, but getting old), and being single (also nice, but also getting REALLY old), it's easy to get overwhelmed. Last Saturday, it finally caught up with me and I just stayed home and drank.
Yeah, go ahead about how drinking when down is a bad idea...and how drinking alone is worse...and how drinking to any excess is damaging to your health. Well, you'd be right, and I'm aware of all of these. I'm also aware that I'm responsible enough to know my limits. In addition, I also keep tabs on my hydration and food intake. Above all else, my body even knows its limits. At some point, the desire to drink just ceases completely. I've also learned from past mistakes. Luckily, there were others around during those times.
Just because I can't leave well enough alone and simply must make these posts as long as possible (sorry, but I've stopped fighting it), I'll detail what I ate, drank, and did that night. Of course, as we all know by now, it won't stop there. :p
For starters, I had a double-meat Whataburger, no cheese, no pickles. I washed it down with 24oz of Shiner Bock. After a few minutes and a bottle of water, I then topped a sleeve of Ritz crackers with "Strawberry-Rhubarb Pepper Jelly" and some of those with bits of "Russel Stover Origin Select" dark chocolate (one each of the Ghana, Ecuador, and Venezuela types, broken into 4 chunks each) accompanied by a couple rounds of Gekkeikan sake. I consumed it all over the course of 2 hours. At no point did I allow myself to dehydrate and kept the snacks handy. I never drink on an empty stomach (unless it's soon to be filled).
At that time, I was not only mindful of what I was doing, but of what I was thinking. I ran through all the crap I'd been feeling. By the end of it, I'd read some stories online, emailed a friend of mine up in Alaska that I hadn't heard from in a while, and purged my tear ducts. By the end of it, I was exhausted (as you could perhaps imagine), went through the night-time hygiene routine, and crashed out (on my bed...come on, I wasn't THAT drunk).
I did get a later start than I would have liked the next morning, but except for a low buzzing under the skin (falling asleep drunk does that no matter HOW hydrated you are), I felt great. I was actually in a somewhat silly mood and was feeling MUCH better than I had in a while. Certainly better than I had the past week.
No, I'm not saying that drinking was a great idea. I'm sure my liver was a little peeved at me. Despite that, I don't feel it was the wrong thing. There were probably better ways to deal with things, but it worked out. I really didn't want to be around people because I knew what I was feeling and thinking was irrational and involved the very people I'd have vented on. That wouldn't have gone well. It also would have been wholly undeserved. As I said, it was irrational. I know myself well enough to tell the difference (usually). Although I drink somewhat often, I don't drink every day and I rarely drink to a buzz, let alone full-on intoxication. I just happen to like beer, or the occasional sake. I've NEVER even THOUGHT about driving like that. I think the biggest thing here, though, is that instead of trying to drown my problems to make them go away (which doesn't work, as we all know), I just pickled them a bit, separated and sorted them, then put them in lockup for being loud and disorderly. Well, the wise course or not, it worked.
When they say "drink responsibly", I'm sure what I did wasn't what they had in mind, but I think it's still relevant. Know your limits, monitor your words, actions, and intake, and simply be mindful that you're drinking. Your judgment is impaired, so if forced to make a judgment call, err on the conservative side.
Now, I'm going to post this, and I admit that I've been writing this for almost 2 days, and some things have changed a little since I started, but I've also re-written this post twice. After the days I had yesterday and today, I've got a lot more to say, but it'll wait for another post. Those of you who made it this far have GOT to have other things to do. I'd apologize, but there's nothing forcing you to read, is there? Well, I appreciate you taking the time to do so and thank you for hearing me out. Right or wrong, this is all about how I feel, not necessarily what's reality. Believe me, I'm keenly aware of that fact.
Until next time!
(The song selection is, in truth, much deeper in meaning than my personal interpretation, but it's still one of my favorites. I've included a link to the lyrics and explanation of the actual meaning here. I know the musical style of Tool won't sit with some of you, but combined with their writing, it's what they're known for and I, for one, love it...mood permitting.)
I learned long ago that you can't save people...you can only help them help (and hopefully save) themselves. The hardest part is watching efforts stagnate due to wishful thinking and recurring feelings of failure. I feel kinda like a wartime soldier, only instead of watching friends die in battle, I watch them turn their hearts and rational minds inside-out looking for a way to make things right, when the cost in effort and sanity is just too high to be reasonable. I'm seeing it far too often and it's taking it's toll.
Please understand that I'm not complaining, feeling like some victim, or that I'm worse off than anyone. The fact is, I'm not. I choose to be there for my friends and my family. I've chosen to stand by them and do what I can, no matter how little it may be. I just wish there was more I could do.
How ironic that seeing all this pain, especially in regards to relationships, instead of being happy to be single, I'm really feeling the void. Perhaps it's because I feel I've seen enough mistakes made that I can avoid the most common ones. Maybe I just think I can do it better. Or, maybe I'm just as deluded as everyone else and want to be a part of something that's just going to hurt both of us in the end...
Nah, I don't buy that. I think that modern society has come to a point where people rush too fast, try too hard, and fall too easily to their own weaknesses instead of working with those around them to see truth and become stronger. Weakness is inherent in all of us, just as is immeasurable strength. If there's one thing I've learned over the years between personal experience, witnessing that of others, and reading or watching some fantastical creation of fiction, it's that one thing rings loud and clear above all others: trust in your friends. Be there for them and allow them to be there for you. Never face your demons alone.
That last one is the hardest one. When someone chooses face their demons alone, or strengthen one as to hold all others at bay (ie: substance abuse), it will consume them. Worse, it consumes all those around them who try to help. When the one in trouble refuses to ask for or accept help, they become a danger to those around them. Some get physically violent, but most often it's emotionally damaging to everyone involved. The true danger to those closest is in their own feelings. The feeling of total helplessness, the want to do more, but most importantly (and this is the key that separates the normal from the dangerous), the feeling that by walking away to save one's own sanity and/or heart, they are abandoning the one who needs them. On one level, perhaps that's true...it's self-preservation at it's core. The difference between self-preservation and running away is the difference between running from an explosion and running from a security guard. The former sees you saving your own life and ability to live it effectively. The latter is merely an inconvenience, often due to one's own stupidity. To get away from someone who has chosen time and time again to face their demons alone is self-preservation in, I believe, it's purest form. The truth of the matter is, you ARE running from an explosion at that point. Who can you help if their demons take over and it turns on you?
Everyone has demons. Everyone's own demons are bigger than anyone else's. Why? Because they're yours. It's not a new philosophy, it's true. "My problems could beat up your problems because they're bigger and meaner." It's actually true, to an extent. Problems that affect one's own life are always going to seem bigger than those affecting someone else. Yes, one could look at another person's situation and say "man, I don't really have it that bad after all". That's nice, but that sentiment will fade real quick when the phone rings and it's the credit card company calling about your third month of late or no payment just as the electric company cuts your power. (No, this has not happened to me, but the analogy holds.)
I tend to listen to others' problems for both the feeling I get from being able to help (even if only by just letting someone vent) and from the fact that it puts my own into perspective. I don't tend to think of my demons as that big. Sure, I've got my share...but they're fairly small. I think this is partially because I acknowledge them and see them for what they are. Many people don't admit to theirs and let it just build until it crushes them.
***********************************************************************************************
I know all last week (heck, this past month), my demons were getting a good grip on me. Although small, and relatively few when I really think about it, they can really do some damage when they coordinate! It's also not healthy to ignore them when they start shouting, despite their small size. Between the holidays, money issues, bills, friends being unavailable (for legitimate reasons, though it's hard to think that way sometimes), living alone (which is nice, but getting old), and being single (also nice, but also getting REALLY old), it's easy to get overwhelmed. Last Saturday, it finally caught up with me and I just stayed home and drank.
Yeah, go ahead about how drinking when down is a bad idea...and how drinking alone is worse...and how drinking to any excess is damaging to your health. Well, you'd be right, and I'm aware of all of these. I'm also aware that I'm responsible enough to know my limits. In addition, I also keep tabs on my hydration and food intake. Above all else, my body even knows its limits. At some point, the desire to drink just ceases completely. I've also learned from past mistakes. Luckily, there were others around during those times.
Just because I can't leave well enough alone and simply must make these posts as long as possible (sorry, but I've stopped fighting it), I'll detail what I ate, drank, and did that night. Of course, as we all know by now, it won't stop there. :p
For starters, I had a double-meat Whataburger, no cheese, no pickles. I washed it down with 24oz of Shiner Bock. After a few minutes and a bottle of water, I then topped a sleeve of Ritz crackers with "Strawberry-Rhubarb Pepper Jelly" and some of those with bits of "Russel Stover Origin Select" dark chocolate (one each of the Ghana, Ecuador, and Venezuela types, broken into 4 chunks each) accompanied by a couple rounds of Gekkeikan sake. I consumed it all over the course of 2 hours. At no point did I allow myself to dehydrate and kept the snacks handy. I never drink on an empty stomach (unless it's soon to be filled).
At that time, I was not only mindful of what I was doing, but of what I was thinking. I ran through all the crap I'd been feeling. By the end of it, I'd read some stories online, emailed a friend of mine up in Alaska that I hadn't heard from in a while, and purged my tear ducts. By the end of it, I was exhausted (as you could perhaps imagine), went through the night-time hygiene routine, and crashed out (on my bed...come on, I wasn't THAT drunk).
I did get a later start than I would have liked the next morning, but except for a low buzzing under the skin (falling asleep drunk does that no matter HOW hydrated you are), I felt great. I was actually in a somewhat silly mood and was feeling MUCH better than I had in a while. Certainly better than I had the past week.
No, I'm not saying that drinking was a great idea. I'm sure my liver was a little peeved at me. Despite that, I don't feel it was the wrong thing. There were probably better ways to deal with things, but it worked out. I really didn't want to be around people because I knew what I was feeling and thinking was irrational and involved the very people I'd have vented on. That wouldn't have gone well. It also would have been wholly undeserved. As I said, it was irrational. I know myself well enough to tell the difference (usually). Although I drink somewhat often, I don't drink every day and I rarely drink to a buzz, let alone full-on intoxication. I just happen to like beer, or the occasional sake. I've NEVER even THOUGHT about driving like that. I think the biggest thing here, though, is that instead of trying to drown my problems to make them go away (which doesn't work, as we all know), I just pickled them a bit, separated and sorted them, then put them in lockup for being loud and disorderly. Well, the wise course or not, it worked.
When they say "drink responsibly", I'm sure what I did wasn't what they had in mind, but I think it's still relevant. Know your limits, monitor your words, actions, and intake, and simply be mindful that you're drinking. Your judgment is impaired, so if forced to make a judgment call, err on the conservative side.
Now, I'm going to post this, and I admit that I've been writing this for almost 2 days, and some things have changed a little since I started, but I've also re-written this post twice. After the days I had yesterday and today, I've got a lot more to say, but it'll wait for another post. Those of you who made it this far have GOT to have other things to do. I'd apologize, but there's nothing forcing you to read, is there? Well, I appreciate you taking the time to do so and thank you for hearing me out. Right or wrong, this is all about how I feel, not necessarily what's reality. Believe me, I'm keenly aware of that fact.
Until next time!
(The song selection is, in truth, much deeper in meaning than my personal interpretation, but it's still one of my favorites. I've included a link to the lyrics and explanation of the actual meaning here. I know the musical style of Tool won't sit with some of you, but combined with their writing, it's what they're known for and I, for one, love it...mood permitting.)