Beginnings...
Well, a new day, a new month, and a new year. I anticipate my share of problems and situations, but over all, I feel it's going to be a good one. Fresh starts always feel good, once you've actually made the decision and gone through with it. Sure, there's some uncertainty involved...and sometimes there's the possibility to go back...but that's all really a matter of determination and how much the change is for health or stability. Many of my friends have made some pretty major changes in their lives lately, whether by voluntary or involuntary means. Admittedly, more than one was faced with a situation that was negatively impacting their lives and didn't have a choice, but in any case, it's often difficult to make the transition.
Sometimes, however, a change in someone's life or situation is completely voluntary. One day you wake up, or perhaps are doing some mundane daily ritual, and realize you're in a rut. Not as bad as having dug oneself into a hole, but all movement and thought has become circular. Complacency and stagnation are often one's worst enemies. You want to move forward, but aren't doing badly, so you feel no motivation to break out. The idea is to know when that's happening and make the conscious decision to move forward.
It wasn't quite like that for me this morning, as I'd been thinking about things for quite some time before today. Although I'm not talking about any major changes in my life, I did start altering little things lately. Such as this past Sunday, I went grocery shopping. That in and of itself isn't all that odd, besides me usually not going for a month at a time, but this time, I actually had an agenda that landed me actual FOOD in the fridge for the first time in a while. I've got enough to last me at least a week. THIS, despite being something normal, sane people do already, is not something I'm prone to. I like to cook, but cooking for oneself, as I've mentioned before, seems almost wasteful. Well, I took the initiative and did it anyway. My veggie drawer has Romaine lettuce, a few Roma tomatoes, a couple regular tomatoes, green onions, and a green bell pepper. My freezer currently has a package of turkey burgers (vacuum-packed in 2s, 10 total), 2 packages of Johnsonville bratwursts (original), 1lb of tilapia fillets, broccoli florettes, steam-in-the-bag sugar snap peas, and a bag of Chinese pork buns (for something quick so I can avoid fast food when I'm in a hurry). I also have in the fridge 1lb of ground beef (which I need to cook soon, even if just to store it), pesto w/basil, a package of 3-cheese tortellini (the fresh, refrigerated kind), , and other stuff. Also, I have some pasta "sauce" (loose term...has so much ground meat, mushrooms, onions, etc in it...) that a good friend made for Christmas, most of which is in the freezer. I even bought a few kinds of pasta like vermicelli (thin spaghetti...not angel hair), bow tie, and penne. Got cans of corn, green beans, and all kinds of other beans as well. Peas, canned tuna and salmon, and even a small box of couscous.
I spent about $170 on that trip. Not unusual for me, but the fact that I got a ton of food instead of...less useful items really is a change. I've even started making breakfast again. No more "Super Sonic Breakfast Burritos" for a good while, if I can help it. I love them, but no...better to make my own stuff. Hell, I'm even experimenting and liking the results!
My breakfast yesterday was 3 large eggs scrambled together with ground black pepper, garlic powder, cooking rice wine (dark, salted sake...NOT for drinking), sliced black olives, and a chopped shiitake mushroom (cap only, no stem). Poured it onto a skillet with some sesame oil (amazing how it changes the flavor...I love it), then added some shredded cheddar cheese and rolled it up into an omelet. I put that onto a French roll with a little "Smart Balance Light" spread (hey, gotta cut down on fat somewhere and it's pretty good) and, after a bite, some of that red Thai hot sauce. You know the stuff...big bottle of red chili sauce with the green twisty cap, label printed in 5 languages (2 of them Asian) right on the plastic of the bottle...and it was GREAT! Could use a little tweaking, perhaps, but not bad for something I thought up instead of using a recipe. I guess my German/Italian lineage is coming through loud and clear. :p
Yesterday, for lunch, I had 2 turkey burgers, seasoned (before cooking) with Mrs. Dash and garlic powder, with slices of tomato and Romaine lettuce. Light mayo and brown mustard (YES, I USE BOTH, DAMMIT!) and it was great. The only thing I forgot was the slices of sharp cheddar...and the buns I bought were a little big. Instead of chips, I had some peeled baby carrots and a green onion. Got the idea for the onion from one of my clients who gave me one with a turkey sandwich while I was working on his computer. I did, however, forget that he had snapped off the whitest part at the time. WOW that was a slap. Bit in and remembered instantly he'd done that...and now realized why. It tasted good, but it bit me right back. Must remember...only much the green part by itself! Also, I think the one he gave me was a bit younger, as I remember it being smaller. Whatever...it was good either way.
What amazed me was how sweet Romaine lettuce is by itself. I wasn't going to put the entire leaf on each burger since those things are HUGE, so I ripped it in half and just put the greenest, leafy part on the burgers and ate the crunchy lower half. Didn't even need dressing, though it would have been nice.
Ok, back to what I was saying...
I've decided that my situation isn't bad, but it's also not progressing forward. My business is moving sideways at the moment. I'm getting new clients, but my regulars aren't calling quite so often. Technically, that's a good thing...don't want a lot of "repeat" business, if you know what I mean. It's balancing, but not growing. It also stagnated a bit towards the end of the year...but that was expected. No, I'm going to have to do more to advance things. Most of the things I want for myself are also useful for social gatherings...such as an HDTV (promised myself one a couple years ago), outdoor furniture (for my so-far-unused porch), a collapsible table and chairs (for maybe hosting a tabletop game, or even just dinner), and a new gaming rig (computer) to go with the new TV. Ok, that last one isn't so much for entertaining, but it WILL allow me to finally separate my gaming from my office, since my gaming machine and work computer are presently one and the same. I don't like this and it makes keeping my office in order much harder.
Anyway, the new idea (ok, not new, but needing to be finally done) is to get signage for my car. A magnet for each side of the car (rear doors...moderate dent on the driver's door) and lettering on the back windshield. I can't really do removable on the windshield, but the magnets are so I can put them on any NEW car I get without having to re-purchase them. And that's another thing I need...a new car. I finally got my Escort working right, but it's costing too much to upkeep. F.O.R.D. indeed. It'll serve the purpose for now, but it's just not very attractive or practical, and I need it to be both for my business.
One more thing, that I've been considering for a while now, was shaving. I already started keeping my face properly trimmed more recently...(another change, as I had gotten lackadaisical about that over time -> the pic you see above is not what I consider "properly trimmed"). Well, despite my hesitation to do so, since I like how it looks when kept up, I did it. I mean, I can always grow it back, so no real loss...but I haven't done this since July 27, 2002, during the move to Texas. I tried for a "fresh start" then as well. It worked, but the shaving thing didn't impress me, so I grew it back. This time, I have a lot more than just my best friend to get feedback from (who had decided to move with me, and he didn't really have an opinion, if I remember). I'll just have to see what everyone says. If consensus is to keep it off, then I will...though I'm already missing it. I feel kinda naked without it...but that'll pass if I keep up with it. I figure I'll try it for a week and see how it feels and what people think. I'll post a pic if I keep it this way.
I'm sure my grandmother would be thrilled. She loves my long hair, but hates facial hair. I really should visit soon...it's only going to be for a weekend, so there's little excuse about missing business. I just need to do it. I mean...I know there's only so much time left...and I do miss her. I mean, yes, I'll be visiting my parents as well (she lives with them), but chances are, I'll be able to visit them much further into the future.
Well, enough of that. I feel too good to get myself down right now. :p
Now, that's not to say I'm all chipper and gleeful...my neck feels like I was at a metal concert all night headbanging (which I just don't do...I joke about it because of my hair, but no) and my back has been giving me trouble. I just need to get back to the gym and see a chiropractor. A spine and joint realignment along with reducing my body fat percentage should help me alleviate some of the "old-man" crap I've been feeling, which really isn't good since I'm not even 30 yet.
No, I'm not super-morning-person-happy or energetic at all, but I do feel a bit more confident and positive about the coming year. I'm trying hard to change my eating habits (which will be great for my bank account as well) and how I do things. I'm also trying to change how I view situations, people, and events. I'm basically trying to rely more on my logical side rather than letting my irrational side control me. That's hard to do! For example: I tend to feel that friends sometimes aren't telling me things or are avoiding me for whatever reason. When that happens, I start over-thinking and getting depressed. I know it's not rational, but it happens and I let it take over when it goes on long enough. Well, now I'm going to think "so what if it's true? It doesn't really change anything, and if they don't tell me what's up, it's their problem to deal with." That sounds a bit harsh to my own ears, but honestly, it's how I feel most people think normally. I just can't let that kind of stuff bother me. If people want to pull away from me or exclude me from their lives to some extent or other, regardless of their reason, I have to let them do what they're gonna do and stop worrying about why. Sure, I'd like to know if I had something to do with it...something I said or did...but if they won't tell me, I can't know, so it's not my problem. If I do figure it out, I can deal with it, but that's not very commonly the case. Just live my life and remember that some people will want me around while others will decide they don't, for whatever reason. Their decisions can only affect me and how I feel if I let them. People change and move on. I just have to deal with that. No sense in brooding over why...hell, they might not even know themselves!
I was really hoping that the certain female I've had my eye on lately would be available last night. I wasn't planning or anticipating anything, nor would anything "serious" have happened (purely because I'm looking for something much deeper than fun, which isn't happening in one night). I just wanted to welcome the new year in the presence of someone I'd like to consider a possible future with (and hope she feels the same...but that's looking a bit far ahead). I'm getting too old for just having fun and the idea is not to find a girlfriend, but to find a potential wife. That's what I want. I intend to take my time and build a relationship...don't get me wrong...but the idea of dating is just getting old, and I'm ready for something more meaningful. I don't date much as it is, but at this point in my life, anyone I'm seeing is going to be a potential for marriage. If I don't see that as a possibility, I'm letting go. I just feel ready for that. I only hope whomever I choose feels the same. I can wait until I'm 35 or more to see it happen, but I want to start building that relationship soon. If it's not the one I'm looking at now, then so be it. I just hope, if not her, that I meet the one I'm to marry soon. No way to know until the rings are on, but here's hoping.
Now, for anyone who knows the one I've been referring to, don't freak. I'm not planning anything and this is only a train of though I've been on for quite some time and it includes nobody in particular. My only point is, I'm ready to look for my future wife. I'd like to consider this very attractive, shy-ish, angelic-voiced woman of appropriate age, but I barely know her, so she's simply one possible consideration at this time. She has to decide if the same is true for her. I'm interested...I don't even know if she is. I'm going to be working to find that out. That's one of my "jobs" for this year. If she's not, yeah, it's gonna suck and it's gonna hurt a bit, but I'll live. She's still worth having as a friend, regardless, which is what I'll be working to build no matter what.
I know I tend to read too much into things...and act an idiot in the process. When I get it in my head that something's a certain way, even without knowing the whole story, I end up convincing myself of crap I can't possibly know for truth. This can have pretty bad consequences. I don't like that side of me and will be working harder than ever to suppress it (mainly by re-tracking my thought process...stay OUT of circular thought patterns!) I have to simply let things happen as they will and have faith that those around me will step in if I'm getting close to crossing any lines or doing anything stupid. Luckily, my more recent boost of self-confidence should help me avoid that anyway. It was that kind of thinking that, I believe, was holding me back in the first place. Have faith in your friends...and pursue the future you want for yourself. I need to concern myself more with my own life, health, needs, and wants. I need and want to be there for my friends and know that they can count on me...that doesn't change. The difference now is that I need to do what's right for me first. I don't mind making little sacrifices (or big ones, if necessary), but I put too much thought and sacrifice into little things, situations, and events. I've been known to (well, by me anyway) make bigger sacrifices to accommodate a smaller matter. That needs to stop. I'm not talking about the stuff where I'm helping someone deal with a situation wherein they really need help. I'm talking about not doing something I really want to do because someone asked me to do, or go, or help with something that, in the end, was little more than a kindness that had little impact on the friendship or my reliability as a friend.
Here's an example. An ex-girlfriend of mine had a birthday last month and invited me to the dinner party. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, but I figured I would since we're still supposed to be friends. Also, I'd had a hang-up about being around her because I'd spent a bit (ok, WAY too much) time in the past trying to get her back. Well, I had been thinking about it up to that point and was fairly sure I was over her and wanted to test myself, as well as continue being a good, reliable friend (despite her lack of reciprocation on that end). The dinner was fun and I got to see her father, with whom I'd built a pretty good rapport, and her mother as well as a friend or two I'd met before and some I'd never met. I handed out some business cards (trying to make a point of doing that, wherever I go now) and I otherwise enjoyed myself. The after-dinner party was another story...
I was one of only two of her friends who showed up to the dinner...the other one lives just a few doors down from her. Due to that, the van they rented for the trip downtown wasn't needed and I volunteered (or was volunteered, though I really didn't have an objection) to taking her down there, since I was originally going to follow the van down anyway. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go, but figured "why not".
It was loud, smoky, and although that doesn't directly bother me normally, it was a rap club. It wasn't long before the place got REAL busy and the music got exponentially louder. I swear, every 15 minutes, the DJ kicked the dial up another notch or three. I did meet another friend of hers who, like me, is in the IT field. Cool guy! Her step-brother and another friend also showed up, which was cool...though her bro and I never really hit it off. Not a matter of dislike....a kind of conflict of interest, I suppose...but I digress.
As the night progressed, I was less and less in the jovial mood. The music wasn't doing a damn thing for me (and I tried...I swear, I tried), the volume was getting too much, and the crowd was simply too much for such a small place. I suffered it until about 0145 (1:45am) and had to get the hell out. Yes, I was supposed to be responsible for getting her home...but apparently she'd already made other "backup" plans (so-called by me) to get home. Upon learning this, I said my goodbyes and left. To say my mood was foul would have been an understatement. I should have listened to my gut and stayed out of the second celebration, but I was trying to be a good friend and stick around, give her a ride, etc.
It didn't help that she kept giving me those "mixed signal" winks that just drive me up the wall (in the bad way). I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize she's doing it. Doesn't matter...I won't likely see her again any time soon, the way she does things. I hate to admit it, but I'm sort of glad. She simply reinforced my thoughts that, despite our talks about, and her insistence regarding, her wanting to settle down and have a family, her actions shout "NO WAY IN HELL!!!" Even if I hadn't already decided that, this would have been the final straw. Lucky for me, it was just a reinforcement! It's too bad...she had (and perhaps still has, though I won't be the one to find out) such potential. Well, that's that! Moving on...
Well, I suppose it's time to eat something. I was supposed to visit a couple friends today for the lunch-time New Year's "breakfast" (pork and sauerkraut, love it!), but one of them is sick. They all live together (except the sick one's boyfriend, but he might as well, as often as he's there :p ), so I'm the only one not already exposed to whatever it might be, if it's contagious. I hope she gets better soon! Poor thing seems to be sick more often than not. I honestly can't remember the last time I visited where she wasn't either recovering from illness, just starting to feel sick, or simply exhausted and turning in early. I've been starting to think it's me! (Seriously, it's seemingly worst when I'm expected to come around...how messed up is that?!) Luckily, I don't think it works that way. :p
Still have another social engagement today. It's the normal Tuesday-night gaming group, convening again for the first time in weeks. We're gonna have a few more people this time, but only one of whom will be joining in the actual game. I know everyone's probably already gathered now, but there's just too many other things I have to do today. I'll be there in time for the game at 7.
Oh yeah...food...keep getting side-tracked!
I hope my words are insightful and non-insulting to anyone who knows me or those I'm mentioning (or if you ARE one of those mentioned, or strongly hinted-at). Take it with a grain of salt and, if there's any confusion, please feel free to call and set the record straight or ask about it! I'm not shy about being wrong. Better to be corrected than to continue presenting something untrue and look an idiot.
-> Ok, while looking for a song to for this post, I realized I got sidetracked and went go make food. I was about 2 seconds away from just doing a quick-n-easy solution, but when I saw the penne (cooked 2 nights ago, stored plain), I hesitated. I just thought about some butter and Parmesan, but knew I needed some protein in there. I almost heated up a Chinese pork bun, but that's a lot of added carbs for the little protein involved and I'd already decided on the penne. Then I remembered I had bought a bunch of different canned beans. Eureka! Now...which ones? After a brief consideration, I grabbed the kidney beans. I almost put garbanzos in as well, but realized I was quickly running out of containers for the leftovers, so I put them back. I rinsed them off and put a quarter cup into the penne (only making one serving and trying to not over-eat as I tend to). After I decided on the beans, I decided to keep it a cold dish. With that in mind, I put a little olive oil in it (though it slipped and I added a little more than I intended). Just for kicks, I grabbed the balsamic vinegar. I tried it and, although it looked a little funky, it tasted good. But once again, it still needed something. I snapped off half a length of green onion and cut it up. The smell alone was enough, but it did add a little kick and color. While I was at it, I diced up half a Roma tomato to cover my veggie (ok, fruit, but the law now says different). Wow. Although I felt it could still use something more, I couldn't think of anything I had on hand that would do it, so I settled. Just as well...it was fantastic! I never EVER thought I'd make a cold pasta and bean "salad" like that. I think the only thing that I could have added was some fresh basil. If I'd had any, like with the onion, the smell alone would have made it. I also think I would have had to make more than just the single serving and let it sit for a while in the fridge, so in the essence of a quick lunch, no loss.
I know it's nothing that hasn't been done before, but it's new to ME, which is all that matters. The fact that I pulled this out of my head "on the fly" (though not as quickly as a culinary veteran, obviously) really impressed me and the end result, though as usual could use a bit of tweaking, was better than I could have hoped for. It was a proper serving size and I'm not the least bit stuffed, nor am I still hungry. I'm really starting to like this new change in my ways! Now...I just need to find a way to eat like this on a BUSY day...
(is it just me...or are these posts actually getting LONGER?!?!!? ACK!)
Happy New Year!!!
(song selection lyrics here)
Sometimes, however, a change in someone's life or situation is completely voluntary. One day you wake up, or perhaps are doing some mundane daily ritual, and realize you're in a rut. Not as bad as having dug oneself into a hole, but all movement and thought has become circular. Complacency and stagnation are often one's worst enemies. You want to move forward, but aren't doing badly, so you feel no motivation to break out. The idea is to know when that's happening and make the conscious decision to move forward.
It wasn't quite like that for me this morning, as I'd been thinking about things for quite some time before today. Although I'm not talking about any major changes in my life, I did start altering little things lately. Such as this past Sunday, I went grocery shopping. That in and of itself isn't all that odd, besides me usually not going for a month at a time, but this time, I actually had an agenda that landed me actual FOOD in the fridge for the first time in a while. I've got enough to last me at least a week. THIS, despite being something normal, sane people do already, is not something I'm prone to. I like to cook, but cooking for oneself, as I've mentioned before, seems almost wasteful. Well, I took the initiative and did it anyway. My veggie drawer has Romaine lettuce, a few Roma tomatoes, a couple regular tomatoes, green onions, and a green bell pepper. My freezer currently has a package of turkey burgers (vacuum-packed in 2s, 10 total), 2 packages of Johnsonville bratwursts (original), 1lb of tilapia fillets, broccoli florettes, steam-in-the-bag sugar snap peas, and a bag of Chinese pork buns (for something quick so I can avoid fast food when I'm in a hurry). I also have in the fridge 1lb of ground beef (which I need to cook soon, even if just to store it), pesto w/basil, a package of 3-cheese tortellini (the fresh, refrigerated kind), , and other stuff. Also, I have some pasta "sauce" (loose term...has so much ground meat, mushrooms, onions, etc in it...) that a good friend made for Christmas, most of which is in the freezer. I even bought a few kinds of pasta like vermicelli (thin spaghetti...not angel hair), bow tie, and penne. Got cans of corn, green beans, and all kinds of other beans as well. Peas, canned tuna and salmon, and even a small box of couscous.
I spent about $170 on that trip. Not unusual for me, but the fact that I got a ton of food instead of...less useful items really is a change. I've even started making breakfast again. No more "Super Sonic Breakfast Burritos" for a good while, if I can help it. I love them, but no...better to make my own stuff. Hell, I'm even experimenting and liking the results!
My breakfast yesterday was 3 large eggs scrambled together with ground black pepper, garlic powder, cooking rice wine (dark, salted sake...NOT for drinking), sliced black olives, and a chopped shiitake mushroom (cap only, no stem). Poured it onto a skillet with some sesame oil (amazing how it changes the flavor...I love it), then added some shredded cheddar cheese and rolled it up into an omelet. I put that onto a French roll with a little "Smart Balance Light" spread (hey, gotta cut down on fat somewhere and it's pretty good) and, after a bite, some of that red Thai hot sauce. You know the stuff...big bottle of red chili sauce with the green twisty cap, label printed in 5 languages (2 of them Asian) right on the plastic of the bottle...and it was GREAT! Could use a little tweaking, perhaps, but not bad for something I thought up instead of using a recipe. I guess my German/Italian lineage is coming through loud and clear. :p
Yesterday, for lunch, I had 2 turkey burgers, seasoned (before cooking) with Mrs. Dash and garlic powder, with slices of tomato and Romaine lettuce. Light mayo and brown mustard (YES, I USE BOTH, DAMMIT!) and it was great. The only thing I forgot was the slices of sharp cheddar...and the buns I bought were a little big. Instead of chips, I had some peeled baby carrots and a green onion. Got the idea for the onion from one of my clients who gave me one with a turkey sandwich while I was working on his computer. I did, however, forget that he had snapped off the whitest part at the time. WOW that was a slap. Bit in and remembered instantly he'd done that...and now realized why. It tasted good, but it bit me right back. Must remember...only much the green part by itself! Also, I think the one he gave me was a bit younger, as I remember it being smaller. Whatever...it was good either way.
What amazed me was how sweet Romaine lettuce is by itself. I wasn't going to put the entire leaf on each burger since those things are HUGE, so I ripped it in half and just put the greenest, leafy part on the burgers and ate the crunchy lower half. Didn't even need dressing, though it would have been nice.
Ok, back to what I was saying...
I've decided that my situation isn't bad, but it's also not progressing forward. My business is moving sideways at the moment. I'm getting new clients, but my regulars aren't calling quite so often. Technically, that's a good thing...don't want a lot of "repeat" business, if you know what I mean. It's balancing, but not growing. It also stagnated a bit towards the end of the year...but that was expected. No, I'm going to have to do more to advance things. Most of the things I want for myself are also useful for social gatherings...such as an HDTV (promised myself one a couple years ago), outdoor furniture (for my so-far-unused porch), a collapsible table and chairs (for maybe hosting a tabletop game, or even just dinner), and a new gaming rig (computer) to go with the new TV. Ok, that last one isn't so much for entertaining, but it WILL allow me to finally separate my gaming from my office, since my gaming machine and work computer are presently one and the same. I don't like this and it makes keeping my office in order much harder.
Anyway, the new idea (ok, not new, but needing to be finally done) is to get signage for my car. A magnet for each side of the car (rear doors...moderate dent on the driver's door) and lettering on the back windshield. I can't really do removable on the windshield, but the magnets are so I can put them on any NEW car I get without having to re-purchase them. And that's another thing I need...a new car. I finally got my Escort working right, but it's costing too much to upkeep. F.O.R.D. indeed. It'll serve the purpose for now, but it's just not very attractive or practical, and I need it to be both for my business.
One more thing, that I've been considering for a while now, was shaving. I already started keeping my face properly trimmed more recently...(another change, as I had gotten lackadaisical about that over time -> the pic you see above is not what I consider "properly trimmed"). Well, despite my hesitation to do so, since I like how it looks when kept up, I did it. I mean, I can always grow it back, so no real loss...but I haven't done this since July 27, 2002, during the move to Texas. I tried for a "fresh start" then as well. It worked, but the shaving thing didn't impress me, so I grew it back. This time, I have a lot more than just my best friend to get feedback from (who had decided to move with me, and he didn't really have an opinion, if I remember). I'll just have to see what everyone says. If consensus is to keep it off, then I will...though I'm already missing it. I feel kinda naked without it...but that'll pass if I keep up with it. I figure I'll try it for a week and see how it feels and what people think. I'll post a pic if I keep it this way.
I'm sure my grandmother would be thrilled. She loves my long hair, but hates facial hair. I really should visit soon...it's only going to be for a weekend, so there's little excuse about missing business. I just need to do it. I mean...I know there's only so much time left...and I do miss her. I mean, yes, I'll be visiting my parents as well (she lives with them), but chances are, I'll be able to visit them much further into the future.
Well, enough of that. I feel too good to get myself down right now. :p
Now, that's not to say I'm all chipper and gleeful...my neck feels like I was at a metal concert all night headbanging (which I just don't do...I joke about it because of my hair, but no) and my back has been giving me trouble. I just need to get back to the gym and see a chiropractor. A spine and joint realignment along with reducing my body fat percentage should help me alleviate some of the "old-man" crap I've been feeling, which really isn't good since I'm not even 30 yet.
No, I'm not super-morning-person-happy or energetic at all, but I do feel a bit more confident and positive about the coming year. I'm trying hard to change my eating habits (which will be great for my bank account as well) and how I do things. I'm also trying to change how I view situations, people, and events. I'm basically trying to rely more on my logical side rather than letting my irrational side control me. That's hard to do! For example: I tend to feel that friends sometimes aren't telling me things or are avoiding me for whatever reason. When that happens, I start over-thinking and getting depressed. I know it's not rational, but it happens and I let it take over when it goes on long enough. Well, now I'm going to think "so what if it's true? It doesn't really change anything, and if they don't tell me what's up, it's their problem to deal with." That sounds a bit harsh to my own ears, but honestly, it's how I feel most people think normally. I just can't let that kind of stuff bother me. If people want to pull away from me or exclude me from their lives to some extent or other, regardless of their reason, I have to let them do what they're gonna do and stop worrying about why. Sure, I'd like to know if I had something to do with it...something I said or did...but if they won't tell me, I can't know, so it's not my problem. If I do figure it out, I can deal with it, but that's not very commonly the case. Just live my life and remember that some people will want me around while others will decide they don't, for whatever reason. Their decisions can only affect me and how I feel if I let them. People change and move on. I just have to deal with that. No sense in brooding over why...hell, they might not even know themselves!
I was really hoping that the certain female I've had my eye on lately would be available last night. I wasn't planning or anticipating anything, nor would anything "serious" have happened (purely because I'm looking for something much deeper than fun, which isn't happening in one night). I just wanted to welcome the new year in the presence of someone I'd like to consider a possible future with (and hope she feels the same...but that's looking a bit far ahead). I'm getting too old for just having fun and the idea is not to find a girlfriend, but to find a potential wife. That's what I want. I intend to take my time and build a relationship...don't get me wrong...but the idea of dating is just getting old, and I'm ready for something more meaningful. I don't date much as it is, but at this point in my life, anyone I'm seeing is going to be a potential for marriage. If I don't see that as a possibility, I'm letting go. I just feel ready for that. I only hope whomever I choose feels the same. I can wait until I'm 35 or more to see it happen, but I want to start building that relationship soon. If it's not the one I'm looking at now, then so be it. I just hope, if not her, that I meet the one I'm to marry soon. No way to know until the rings are on, but here's hoping.
Now, for anyone who knows the one I've been referring to, don't freak. I'm not planning anything and this is only a train of though I've been on for quite some time and it includes nobody in particular. My only point is, I'm ready to look for my future wife. I'd like to consider this very attractive, shy-ish, angelic-voiced woman of appropriate age, but I barely know her, so she's simply one possible consideration at this time. She has to decide if the same is true for her. I'm interested...I don't even know if she is. I'm going to be working to find that out. That's one of my "jobs" for this year. If she's not, yeah, it's gonna suck and it's gonna hurt a bit, but I'll live. She's still worth having as a friend, regardless, which is what I'll be working to build no matter what.
I know I tend to read too much into things...and act an idiot in the process. When I get it in my head that something's a certain way, even without knowing the whole story, I end up convincing myself of crap I can't possibly know for truth. This can have pretty bad consequences. I don't like that side of me and will be working harder than ever to suppress it (mainly by re-tracking my thought process...stay OUT of circular thought patterns!) I have to simply let things happen as they will and have faith that those around me will step in if I'm getting close to crossing any lines or doing anything stupid. Luckily, my more recent boost of self-confidence should help me avoid that anyway. It was that kind of thinking that, I believe, was holding me back in the first place. Have faith in your friends...and pursue the future you want for yourself. I need to concern myself more with my own life, health, needs, and wants. I need and want to be there for my friends and know that they can count on me...that doesn't change. The difference now is that I need to do what's right for me first. I don't mind making little sacrifices (or big ones, if necessary), but I put too much thought and sacrifice into little things, situations, and events. I've been known to (well, by me anyway) make bigger sacrifices to accommodate a smaller matter. That needs to stop. I'm not talking about the stuff where I'm helping someone deal with a situation wherein they really need help. I'm talking about not doing something I really want to do because someone asked me to do, or go, or help with something that, in the end, was little more than a kindness that had little impact on the friendship or my reliability as a friend.
Here's an example. An ex-girlfriend of mine had a birthday last month and invited me to the dinner party. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, but I figured I would since we're still supposed to be friends. Also, I'd had a hang-up about being around her because I'd spent a bit (ok, WAY too much) time in the past trying to get her back. Well, I had been thinking about it up to that point and was fairly sure I was over her and wanted to test myself, as well as continue being a good, reliable friend (despite her lack of reciprocation on that end). The dinner was fun and I got to see her father, with whom I'd built a pretty good rapport, and her mother as well as a friend or two I'd met before and some I'd never met. I handed out some business cards (trying to make a point of doing that, wherever I go now) and I otherwise enjoyed myself. The after-dinner party was another story...
I was one of only two of her friends who showed up to the dinner...the other one lives just a few doors down from her. Due to that, the van they rented for the trip downtown wasn't needed and I volunteered (or was volunteered, though I really didn't have an objection) to taking her down there, since I was originally going to follow the van down anyway. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go, but figured "why not".
It was loud, smoky, and although that doesn't directly bother me normally, it was a rap club. It wasn't long before the place got REAL busy and the music got exponentially louder. I swear, every 15 minutes, the DJ kicked the dial up another notch or three. I did meet another friend of hers who, like me, is in the IT field. Cool guy! Her step-brother and another friend also showed up, which was cool...though her bro and I never really hit it off. Not a matter of dislike....a kind of conflict of interest, I suppose...but I digress.
As the night progressed, I was less and less in the jovial mood. The music wasn't doing a damn thing for me (and I tried...I swear, I tried), the volume was getting too much, and the crowd was simply too much for such a small place. I suffered it until about 0145 (1:45am) and had to get the hell out. Yes, I was supposed to be responsible for getting her home...but apparently she'd already made other "backup" plans (so-called by me) to get home. Upon learning this, I said my goodbyes and left. To say my mood was foul would have been an understatement. I should have listened to my gut and stayed out of the second celebration, but I was trying to be a good friend and stick around, give her a ride, etc.
It didn't help that she kept giving me those "mixed signal" winks that just drive me up the wall (in the bad way). I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize she's doing it. Doesn't matter...I won't likely see her again any time soon, the way she does things. I hate to admit it, but I'm sort of glad. She simply reinforced my thoughts that, despite our talks about, and her insistence regarding, her wanting to settle down and have a family, her actions shout "NO WAY IN HELL!!!" Even if I hadn't already decided that, this would have been the final straw. Lucky for me, it was just a reinforcement! It's too bad...she had (and perhaps still has, though I won't be the one to find out) such potential. Well, that's that! Moving on...
Well, I suppose it's time to eat something. I was supposed to visit a couple friends today for the lunch-time New Year's "breakfast" (pork and sauerkraut, love it!), but one of them is sick. They all live together (except the sick one's boyfriend, but he might as well, as often as he's there :p ), so I'm the only one not already exposed to whatever it might be, if it's contagious. I hope she gets better soon! Poor thing seems to be sick more often than not. I honestly can't remember the last time I visited where she wasn't either recovering from illness, just starting to feel sick, or simply exhausted and turning in early. I've been starting to think it's me! (Seriously, it's seemingly worst when I'm expected to come around...how messed up is that?!) Luckily, I don't think it works that way. :p
Still have another social engagement today. It's the normal Tuesday-night gaming group, convening again for the first time in weeks. We're gonna have a few more people this time, but only one of whom will be joining in the actual game. I know everyone's probably already gathered now, but there's just too many other things I have to do today. I'll be there in time for the game at 7.
Oh yeah...food...keep getting side-tracked!
I hope my words are insightful and non-insulting to anyone who knows me or those I'm mentioning (or if you ARE one of those mentioned, or strongly hinted-at). Take it with a grain of salt and, if there's any confusion, please feel free to call and set the record straight or ask about it! I'm not shy about being wrong. Better to be corrected than to continue presenting something untrue and look an idiot.
-> Ok, while looking for a song to for this post, I realized I got sidetracked and went go make food. I was about 2 seconds away from just doing a quick-n-easy solution, but when I saw the penne (cooked 2 nights ago, stored plain), I hesitated. I just thought about some butter and Parmesan, but knew I needed some protein in there. I almost heated up a Chinese pork bun, but that's a lot of added carbs for the little protein involved and I'd already decided on the penne. Then I remembered I had bought a bunch of different canned beans. Eureka! Now...which ones? After a brief consideration, I grabbed the kidney beans. I almost put garbanzos in as well, but realized I was quickly running out of containers for the leftovers, so I put them back. I rinsed them off and put a quarter cup into the penne (only making one serving and trying to not over-eat as I tend to). After I decided on the beans, I decided to keep it a cold dish. With that in mind, I put a little olive oil in it (though it slipped and I added a little more than I intended). Just for kicks, I grabbed the balsamic vinegar. I tried it and, although it looked a little funky, it tasted good. But once again, it still needed something. I snapped off half a length of green onion and cut it up. The smell alone was enough, but it did add a little kick and color. While I was at it, I diced up half a Roma tomato to cover my veggie (ok, fruit, but the law now says different). Wow. Although I felt it could still use something more, I couldn't think of anything I had on hand that would do it, so I settled. Just as well...it was fantastic! I never EVER thought I'd make a cold pasta and bean "salad" like that. I think the only thing that I could have added was some fresh basil. If I'd had any, like with the onion, the smell alone would have made it. I also think I would have had to make more than just the single serving and let it sit for a while in the fridge, so in the essence of a quick lunch, no loss.
I know it's nothing that hasn't been done before, but it's new to ME, which is all that matters. The fact that I pulled this out of my head "on the fly" (though not as quickly as a culinary veteran, obviously) really impressed me and the end result, though as usual could use a bit of tweaking, was better than I could have hoped for. It was a proper serving size and I'm not the least bit stuffed, nor am I still hungry. I'm really starting to like this new change in my ways! Now...I just need to find a way to eat like this on a BUSY day...
(is it just me...or are these posts actually getting LONGER?!?!!? ACK!)
Happy New Year!!!
(song selection lyrics here)