Observation
An observation brought about from something that crossed my tumblr dash (but which I won't talk about on tumblr because ugh, posting opinions on tumblr =P). Now that I'm trying to pay attention to how my own brain works? Helpful tips and encouraging posts about how to manage your time and stop procrastinating just put my hackles up and make me hiss and snarl.
The tips? The tips don't work for me. Not even remotely, and I've tried most of them. Any amount of chunking things up into smaller portions, or trying to fake my brain out with accountability and deadlines, prioritization, rewards, you name it... don't work all that well at best, or make me cranky and snarling at worst.
Ditto only worse for the encouraging "you can do it if you put your mind to it!" type of posts. Because no. I couldn't. I really really couldn't. I've spent the last handful of years beating myself up for being a failure who just COULD NOT do these things or cope with them or get shit done. Who couldn't take part in anything in a group because I knew I'd drop my portion of it and fail. Who was going to be labeled as a failure and a talentless hack, who never delivered on anything I promised or followed through on anything I started.
This has legit been part of the reason for my long hiatus from having an internet presence, because there was a crippling amount of guilt that went along with "I can't draw, I can't write, I have nothing to contribute to the social circles I used to be in, and I've dropped a ton of projects I was working on with no hope of picking them up again." (Yes, I realize part of this hooks into some sense of self identity as an artist/writer, and that if I'm not producing then I'm worthless.) The guilt was such that I’ve actually snapped at and had mini arguments with my dragon about it when she pointed out that I wasn't writing or drawing any more and I was just hurting myself by acting like I could just pick it up again because obviously I couldn't - the guilt would flare up, coupled with fear because I couldn't and I didn't know WHY, and I'd get super defensive and snap and snarl back.
Now? Now I know what "executive function disorder" means. Now I can look at what my brain does, and have some clue as to why, and it's not just "failure" on my part to pull myself up by my bootstraps, apply some determination, and magically succeed at doing things. It's not failure that I am at loose ends if I don't have a schedule to follow. It's not failure when, despite all the lists and schedules, I have an episode for half the afternoon when I just can't focus for shit on anything. It's not my imagination - or yet another failure - when doing basic Adult things uses up all my spoons for the day to pull it together and make a phone call to a company, or go to a new office, or whatever. Everything from "can't concentrate on anything, not retaining anything either verbally or in written form" to "can't sleep because my brain is having panic attacks over the idea of going to sleep and having to face tomorrow". Those are not my imagination, and this is not a personal failure due to lack of discipline or willpower.
In short, I probably need to just not even skim helpful things aimed at the general populace, and concentrate on things that work for me. Right now, it's chemical help and breaking my time into schedules that are ALL THE SAME, so that each day is the same and things become habit so I don't have to think about them so much or rely on my brain to spontaneously manage to do things on its own. And that's okay.
Crossposted from Dreamwidth. ::
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The tips? The tips don't work for me. Not even remotely, and I've tried most of them. Any amount of chunking things up into smaller portions, or trying to fake my brain out with accountability and deadlines, prioritization, rewards, you name it... don't work all that well at best, or make me cranky and snarling at worst.
Ditto only worse for the encouraging "you can do it if you put your mind to it!" type of posts. Because no. I couldn't. I really really couldn't. I've spent the last handful of years beating myself up for being a failure who just COULD NOT do these things or cope with them or get shit done. Who couldn't take part in anything in a group because I knew I'd drop my portion of it and fail. Who was going to be labeled as a failure and a talentless hack, who never delivered on anything I promised or followed through on anything I started.
This has legit been part of the reason for my long hiatus from having an internet presence, because there was a crippling amount of guilt that went along with "I can't draw, I can't write, I have nothing to contribute to the social circles I used to be in, and I've dropped a ton of projects I was working on with no hope of picking them up again." (Yes, I realize part of this hooks into some sense of self identity as an artist/writer, and that if I'm not producing then I'm worthless.) The guilt was such that I’ve actually snapped at and had mini arguments with my dragon about it when she pointed out that I wasn't writing or drawing any more and I was just hurting myself by acting like I could just pick it up again because obviously I couldn't - the guilt would flare up, coupled with fear because I couldn't and I didn't know WHY, and I'd get super defensive and snap and snarl back.
Now? Now I know what "executive function disorder" means. Now I can look at what my brain does, and have some clue as to why, and it's not just "failure" on my part to pull myself up by my bootstraps, apply some determination, and magically succeed at doing things. It's not failure that I am at loose ends if I don't have a schedule to follow. It's not failure when, despite all the lists and schedules, I have an episode for half the afternoon when I just can't focus for shit on anything. It's not my imagination - or yet another failure - when doing basic Adult things uses up all my spoons for the day to pull it together and make a phone call to a company, or go to a new office, or whatever. Everything from "can't concentrate on anything, not retaining anything either verbally or in written form" to "can't sleep because my brain is having panic attacks over the idea of going to sleep and having to face tomorrow". Those are not my imagination, and this is not a personal failure due to lack of discipline or willpower.
In short, I probably need to just not even skim helpful things aimed at the general populace, and concentrate on things that work for me. Right now, it's chemical help and breaking my time into schedules that are ALL THE SAME, so that each day is the same and things become habit so I don't have to think about them so much or rely on my brain to spontaneously manage to do things on its own. And that's okay.
Crossposted from Dreamwidth. ::
bunnies - Feed a bunny