state of a rose
had my semi-monthly meeting with the "life coach" at work. she's not exactly a therapist, but she's there to help people figure out coping mechanisms for stress and too much to do, and my doc recommended i see her. so far we've discussed benefits of to-do lists and yoga and breaking things into manageable chunks and she's given me the perspective check of "you're working full time AND going to school - cut yourself a break and remember nobody is going to care about your GPA provided you get the degree!"
today was not such a lovely day. neither was yesterday, or the day before that. yesterday was a 'home sick from work while stomach tries to eat itself with excess acid' sort of day, and was supposed to be a 'get late homework done day' but i didn't actually get much done because i just can't fragging concentrate on anything in accursed textbook or MLA style. let's face it, even my fic writing yesterday was sub par my usual standard (please don't argue with me. i've re-read it. the ending sort of falls apart and there's way more typos in there than i usually let slip before posting.)
finals are saturday, which is my birthday, and i maybe have a chance of passing one class but passing both will be a miracle and ohgodijustcan'tcope.
so i went to go talk to the life-coach lady and we sat down in her office and she asked how i was doing... and i promptly broke down crying.
she started asking me questions about what was wrong and the first thing that came to mind was how i just can't *concentrate* - i can't string words together coherently, i can't read with any sort of comprehension, i can't listen to more than one person talk at a time without it all just turning into a wall of gibberish sound, i can't retain anything of what i'm listening to, etc, etc, etc. she stopped me about halfway through that list to ask if i'm vitamin d deficient. i laaaaaughed and told her what i'm taking. she did =__= at me and then went to grab one of the docs, and the doc promptly wrote me a Rx for an even bigger doseage of vitamin d and that i'm to come in to have it monitored regularly.
from there the life-coach started going through my charts and there was concern over the fail of the celexa, and questioning on my iron levels (more blood tests!) and then she asked me if i'm depressed. and my brain sort of went blank and i said i'd never been diagnosed and wasn't sure what it felt like. so she pulled out a list of symptoms of chronic depression and ran me through them and with the exception of the 'urge to hurt one's self or suicidal thoughts' point i nailed every one of them. u__u it's always been less that for me and more curling up in a small ball in a dark enclosed space and hiding, and sometimes shaving my head because apparently my brainweasels think there needs to be an exterior sign of the interior turmoil of some sort. this is how i know that i have a large, dark freckle on one side of my head. =P
so now i need to find something to eat that won't upset my stomach and to drink a ton of water and then go back this afternoon for blood tests on my vitamin d, iron, sugar levels, thyroid, and anything else they can think of. then i go back tomorrow to speak to my favorite doctor about any results they've gotten from the tests and what we can do (and maybe getting a note excuse for class). and then it will be finals and oh god i really need to pass at least ONE of these fragging sorry excuses for classes, and then i will be another damned year older and can pass out for two weeks of my so-called summer vacation.
oh, and the school is emailing me nasty grams about the state of my attendance because my brainweasels also think that i can avoid stress by just NOT logging in until i have the whole kit and kaboodle of assignments to turn in all at once. so yeah. this is the current state of me.
Crossposted from Dreamwidth. ::
bunnies - Feed a bunny
today was not such a lovely day. neither was yesterday, or the day before that. yesterday was a 'home sick from work while stomach tries to eat itself with excess acid' sort of day, and was supposed to be a 'get late homework done day' but i didn't actually get much done because i just can't fragging concentrate on anything in accursed textbook or MLA style. let's face it, even my fic writing yesterday was sub par my usual standard (please don't argue with me. i've re-read it. the ending sort of falls apart and there's way more typos in there than i usually let slip before posting.)
finals are saturday, which is my birthday, and i maybe have a chance of passing one class but passing both will be a miracle and ohgodijustcan'tcope.
so i went to go talk to the life-coach lady and we sat down in her office and she asked how i was doing... and i promptly broke down crying.
she started asking me questions about what was wrong and the first thing that came to mind was how i just can't *concentrate* - i can't string words together coherently, i can't read with any sort of comprehension, i can't listen to more than one person talk at a time without it all just turning into a wall of gibberish sound, i can't retain anything of what i'm listening to, etc, etc, etc. she stopped me about halfway through that list to ask if i'm vitamin d deficient. i laaaaaughed and told her what i'm taking. she did =__= at me and then went to grab one of the docs, and the doc promptly wrote me a Rx for an even bigger doseage of vitamin d and that i'm to come in to have it monitored regularly.
from there the life-coach started going through my charts and there was concern over the fail of the celexa, and questioning on my iron levels (more blood tests!) and then she asked me if i'm depressed. and my brain sort of went blank and i said i'd never been diagnosed and wasn't sure what it felt like. so she pulled out a list of symptoms of chronic depression and ran me through them and with the exception of the 'urge to hurt one's self or suicidal thoughts' point i nailed every one of them. u__u it's always been less that for me and more curling up in a small ball in a dark enclosed space and hiding, and sometimes shaving my head because apparently my brainweasels think there needs to be an exterior sign of the interior turmoil of some sort. this is how i know that i have a large, dark freckle on one side of my head. =P
so now i need to find something to eat that won't upset my stomach and to drink a ton of water and then go back this afternoon for blood tests on my vitamin d, iron, sugar levels, thyroid, and anything else they can think of. then i go back tomorrow to speak to my favorite doctor about any results they've gotten from the tests and what we can do (and maybe getting a note excuse for class). and then it will be finals and oh god i really need to pass at least ONE of these fragging sorry excuses for classes, and then i will be another damned year older and can pass out for two weeks of my so-called summer vacation.
oh, and the school is emailing me nasty grams about the state of my attendance because my brainweasels also think that i can avoid stress by just NOT logging in until i have the whole kit and kaboodle of assignments to turn in all at once. so yeah. this is the current state of me.
Crossposted from Dreamwidth. ::
bunnies - Feed a bunny