(no subject)
David,
I want you to know that this is the last thing I want. It breaks what is left of my heart to even think about doing this, but I don't think we have a choice. I love you and want you in my life. I want you in my life so much that it hurts. That has never changed, but I can't do this. I can't pretend that barely talking to you is okay. I can't pretend that knowing that you are still talking to Radeanne is okay. I can no longer pretend that I'm okay. I'm broken. I'm worthless. I'm nothing. I am not the same person that I was. I no longer plan on getting married or having children. I don't plan on dating. I'm going to stick to the plan I had before I met you. I'm going to take care of my mom. And then when she is gone I'll binge on Netflix and maybe volunteer my spare time. I know part of this is that my system is out of whack. I'm now one of those girls that gets a little crazy once a month. Thanks hormones. But most of it is that my heart is broken. And I've never had to deal with that. I don't know how to deal with that.
I wish I weren't so fucking broken. Maybe then we could have been something. I keep having dreams. Some are still me finding you having sex with Radeanne, but the others really break my heart. It's us, and a little boy. He calls you daddy. They kill me. They seem so real. But I know that it will never happen.
I caught myself the other day thinking that maybe if we keep talking it isn't over. Maybe he will change his mind. This just puts me right back where I have been from day one. Wanting more from this than you do. And I don't want to ask you to love me. If you don't love me or want me, that's fine. But I won't ask for it.
I also don't want to do this because I want to make sure that you are okay. I worry about you. I think about you all the time. Everyday. Probably dozens of times a day. I want to message you. But other times I think about seeing how long till you message me since I'm always the one to start conversations these days. I would, but I'm afraid I'd never hear from you. And even if I am doing this, it kills me to think about never talking to you again. Never hearing your voice. Never seeing your smile or little dance while watching The Seven Deadly Sins. I can't stop crying.
I can't have a repeat of Lafayette. Seeing you, but feeling so unwanted. You asked if you could hug me and that question nearly broke me. That last night when you went missing, I was so worried. I wanted to text you, but I didn't want to be a bother. I didn't know if you went out with some of the people from the store, and I knew you didn't want to see me anyway. I spent every night that week crying just down the hall from you. Wanting to see you, but afraid to say so. Wanting to hug you, kiss you, maybe even just lay in your arms. No sex, just feeling safe. I wanted to feel the way you used to make me feel. But you didn't seem to want much to do with me. Make sure the upset one eats and then dump her in her room.
I have rambled on and could forever. So off topic. I love you. I know that. Because I worry more about your happiness than my own. Part of me wishes you have sex with Radeanne and you two make each other happy. Though another part of me wants to punch her, but then I'm crazy and depressed and hate her. I just don't know anymore. I just know that none of this is fair to you. I don't want you to relive what happened last year. But I can't avoid it. I know that when the rose arrive I will lose it. I spent Valentine's Day last year condensing down floral in between hiding in the utility closet while I cried to listening to customers ask what I was doing at work instead of with my boyfriend. I actually cried in front of a little old lady. Not my best moment. And as much as I wanted to end it all, I thought of my mom. She's the only reason I didn't even consider it. I knew I wanted to, but I couldn't. And everyday I have to be reminded of it. And I have the team member that wants to get me a husband and a baby. I don't have heart to tell her I'm done with thought of dating. So, we'll joke about it and I won't let her do anything.
I wish things could be different. I wish you love me. But I can't keep breaking my heart. This is not what I want. I want you. I want us. But now I don't know if I could trust you. Not with other girls, but with my heart. I know that I'm also not any better. I keep saying and doing things that I know can't be good for you. So I think I have to do this. I have prayed that you would be okay and that things would work out between us the way they were meant to. Maybe we just aren't suppose to do this.
I love you. I miss you. It breaks me to do this. Just remember that you got this. I know you can build your empire. I just wish I could have been there to see it.
Love always,
Shlee
MUSH! HUGS!
I want you to know that this is the last thing I want. It breaks what is left of my heart to even think about doing this, but I don't think we have a choice. I love you and want you in my life. I want you in my life so much that it hurts. That has never changed, but I can't do this. I can't pretend that barely talking to you is okay. I can't pretend that knowing that you are still talking to Radeanne is okay. I can no longer pretend that I'm okay. I'm broken. I'm worthless. I'm nothing. I am not the same person that I was. I no longer plan on getting married or having children. I don't plan on dating. I'm going to stick to the plan I had before I met you. I'm going to take care of my mom. And then when she is gone I'll binge on Netflix and maybe volunteer my spare time. I know part of this is that my system is out of whack. I'm now one of those girls that gets a little crazy once a month. Thanks hormones. But most of it is that my heart is broken. And I've never had to deal with that. I don't know how to deal with that.
I wish I weren't so fucking broken. Maybe then we could have been something. I keep having dreams. Some are still me finding you having sex with Radeanne, but the others really break my heart. It's us, and a little boy. He calls you daddy. They kill me. They seem so real. But I know that it will never happen.
I caught myself the other day thinking that maybe if we keep talking it isn't over. Maybe he will change his mind. This just puts me right back where I have been from day one. Wanting more from this than you do. And I don't want to ask you to love me. If you don't love me or want me, that's fine. But I won't ask for it.
I also don't want to do this because I want to make sure that you are okay. I worry about you. I think about you all the time. Everyday. Probably dozens of times a day. I want to message you. But other times I think about seeing how long till you message me since I'm always the one to start conversations these days. I would, but I'm afraid I'd never hear from you. And even if I am doing this, it kills me to think about never talking to you again. Never hearing your voice. Never seeing your smile or little dance while watching The Seven Deadly Sins. I can't stop crying.
I can't have a repeat of Lafayette. Seeing you, but feeling so unwanted. You asked if you could hug me and that question nearly broke me. That last night when you went missing, I was so worried. I wanted to text you, but I didn't want to be a bother. I didn't know if you went out with some of the people from the store, and I knew you didn't want to see me anyway. I spent every night that week crying just down the hall from you. Wanting to see you, but afraid to say so. Wanting to hug you, kiss you, maybe even just lay in your arms. No sex, just feeling safe. I wanted to feel the way you used to make me feel. But you didn't seem to want much to do with me. Make sure the upset one eats and then dump her in her room.
I have rambled on and could forever. So off topic. I love you. I know that. Because I worry more about your happiness than my own. Part of me wishes you have sex with Radeanne and you two make each other happy. Though another part of me wants to punch her, but then I'm crazy and depressed and hate her. I just don't know anymore. I just know that none of this is fair to you. I don't want you to relive what happened last year. But I can't avoid it. I know that when the rose arrive I will lose it. I spent Valentine's Day last year condensing down floral in between hiding in the utility closet while I cried to listening to customers ask what I was doing at work instead of with my boyfriend. I actually cried in front of a little old lady. Not my best moment. And as much as I wanted to end it all, I thought of my mom. She's the only reason I didn't even consider it. I knew I wanted to, but I couldn't. And everyday I have to be reminded of it. And I have the team member that wants to get me a husband and a baby. I don't have heart to tell her I'm done with thought of dating. So, we'll joke about it and I won't let her do anything.
I wish things could be different. I wish you love me. But I can't keep breaking my heart. This is not what I want. I want you. I want us. But now I don't know if I could trust you. Not with other girls, but with my heart. I know that I'm also not any better. I keep saying and doing things that I know can't be good for you. So I think I have to do this. I have prayed that you would be okay and that things would work out between us the way they were meant to. Maybe we just aren't suppose to do this.
I love you. I miss you. It breaks me to do this. Just remember that you got this. I know you can build your empire. I just wish I could have been there to see it.
Love always,
Shlee
MUSH! HUGS!