(no subject)
Hello Sweetie! My dearest David,
I don't know where to begin. I just don't want everything that has happened to us to end. And if it has to end I don't want it to end the way it did. I want you to know that even though you broke me far worse than I could have ever imagined, there has been change for the better. So while there is a good chance I won't let the next person in, I am a better person because of you.
I know that it's sappy to say that you made me want to be a better person, but you did. The part of you that you shared with me is an amazing guy. It's why I love you so much. It's why I wanted to try to see if you and I could make it. I wanted it to be you and I in the end. You are the kind of guy that could make me very happy. Because you have at times made me happier than I have ever been. For the first time in a long time, my life was worth living, not just something to deal with while taking care of my mom. Life was something that I could enjoy.
I want to find my faith because of you. Not because it's what I think will make you want me, but because you showed what it could be. I know that we barely started down this path, but you showed me that being on this path didn't mean I had to lump myself in with the hypocrites that I have encountered my whole life. Until you and the time I've spent either at or watching the videos of your church, the only encounters with church and religion I've ever had were negative. I know that I shouldn't judge something based on just a few people, but those people were not people I wanted to be around. But the mission and message that Granger Community Church shares seems to be all about love and being a better person to serve a better world. Something I've wanted to do for a long time. I just wasn't in the right place with the right people until you showed me that not everyone uses God for their own selfish purposes. You showed me that there is a better way and a better life. So even though I am not making great progress, I am making my way through the Bible and I will finish. I will continue to watch the services, even if not on Sunday. This is something I do want, even if it is something I didn't know I wanted before.
I also want to work on my finances. I now have a spread sheet and every month I know exactly what I owe on my student loans. It's scary, but I should be able to pay the big loan off by next February. Not sure about the next one, but I want to tackle one at a time. Come February 2018, I can start over. Re-budget and get the next plan in place. I will not let these hold me back. I never worried about paying them off because I had no goals before I met you. But you motivated me to work on goals. So while I have very few large goals, I have some small ones that will lead me to the only large goals I have. Get out of Meijer and have no student loan debt.
I want to say that I have these large goals for my life. I want to tell you that I'll be okay. That I will take care of myself and move on. Problem is that I promised myself that I would never lie to you. That you would be the one person I would never lie to. So will I take care of myself? Yes. I no longer feel that taking my own life is an option. You made me see that. The fact that even one person could care even for a little while made me see that I couldn't do that. I won't harm myself. I do still have days where I don't care whether I wake up or not, but depression and self worth are a journey. Maybe someday I'll find my way. Which is why I can't promise that I will be okay. You showed me for the first time what having someone in my life could feel like. You showed me what it feels like to have someone care about me. And I thank you for that. But considering that I am 31 now and you have been the only person in my life, and the only one to ever show an interest in 30 years, I don't think I'll let anyone else in. There is still a large part of me that thinks I'll never be good enough. That I'll never be sexy enough, smart enough, thin enough, or any of that bullshit. I still feel that I will never be enough for someone to actually love. That everyone will leave me. Partially because everyone always does and partially because I have little to no self worth and am broken. I don't want to be the girl that has to beg people to love her. Because being that girl sucks. So I will probably spend my life afraid to let the next person break me again. But that is okay. I planned to spend my life alone before, you just put me back on that path.
So while I am more broken that I have ever been, my life is better than it was. I will probably spend much of the next year thinking of all the things I never told you. OR things I want to tell you. Of wishing that instead of saying goodbye, I had begged you to try again. Begged you to love me. But it can't be like that. You once told me that you wanted me to want things, not because you wanted them, but because I wanted them. This is the same. I want you to be true to who you are. Always be true to who you are. I want you to want me more than anything. I want a chance at the dream I had. The life with you and the little boy that calls you daddy. But I would want you to do this because you want it, not because it's what I want. Or because you feel that you need to save me. And since you don't want me, I will have to find a way to live with that. But it is better than finding out later that you never wanted me to begin with.
I could on and on. I don't want to finally finish this between us. And it will break me for awhile, but maybe someday I'll be able to pick up the pieces. I hope that life is everything you want and more. That you and your dad, and the rest of your family, get to spend a lot more time together. That you find a way to get your girl Persephone fixed. That you get out of Meijer and start your mighty empire. That you find happiness. That you realize that even if you are broken, you are an amazing guy. That you deserve all of this. I have been and will continue to pray that it works out for you. That you find the guidance and strength to make your life the life you want. That you make your life better. And if you ever doubt yourself, remember that you got this! You've always got this!
So David. My favorite sleepy David. Take care of yourself. I care about you and want the best for you. Always. I love you more that I would have ever thought possible. And I'm sure that there is a part of me that always will. That will always think what if? But I can't stay there forever.
Hugs, David! Hugs! MUSH!
I love you, but goodbye,
Shlee
I don't know where to begin. I just don't want everything that has happened to us to end. And if it has to end I don't want it to end the way it did. I want you to know that even though you broke me far worse than I could have ever imagined, there has been change for the better. So while there is a good chance I won't let the next person in, I am a better person because of you.
I know that it's sappy to say that you made me want to be a better person, but you did. The part of you that you shared with me is an amazing guy. It's why I love you so much. It's why I wanted to try to see if you and I could make it. I wanted it to be you and I in the end. You are the kind of guy that could make me very happy. Because you have at times made me happier than I have ever been. For the first time in a long time, my life was worth living, not just something to deal with while taking care of my mom. Life was something that I could enjoy.
I want to find my faith because of you. Not because it's what I think will make you want me, but because you showed what it could be. I know that we barely started down this path, but you showed me that being on this path didn't mean I had to lump myself in with the hypocrites that I have encountered my whole life. Until you and the time I've spent either at or watching the videos of your church, the only encounters with church and religion I've ever had were negative. I know that I shouldn't judge something based on just a few people, but those people were not people I wanted to be around. But the mission and message that Granger Community Church shares seems to be all about love and being a better person to serve a better world. Something I've wanted to do for a long time. I just wasn't in the right place with the right people until you showed me that not everyone uses God for their own selfish purposes. You showed me that there is a better way and a better life. So even though I am not making great progress, I am making my way through the Bible and I will finish. I will continue to watch the services, even if not on Sunday. This is something I do want, even if it is something I didn't know I wanted before.
I also want to work on my finances. I now have a spread sheet and every month I know exactly what I owe on my student loans. It's scary, but I should be able to pay the big loan off by next February. Not sure about the next one, but I want to tackle one at a time. Come February 2018, I can start over. Re-budget and get the next plan in place. I will not let these hold me back. I never worried about paying them off because I had no goals before I met you. But you motivated me to work on goals. So while I have very few large goals, I have some small ones that will lead me to the only large goals I have. Get out of Meijer and have no student loan debt.
I want to say that I have these large goals for my life. I want to tell you that I'll be okay. That I will take care of myself and move on. Problem is that I promised myself that I would never lie to you. That you would be the one person I would never lie to. So will I take care of myself? Yes. I no longer feel that taking my own life is an option. You made me see that. The fact that even one person could care even for a little while made me see that I couldn't do that. I won't harm myself. I do still have days where I don't care whether I wake up or not, but depression and self worth are a journey. Maybe someday I'll find my way. Which is why I can't promise that I will be okay. You showed me for the first time what having someone in my life could feel like. You showed me what it feels like to have someone care about me. And I thank you for that. But considering that I am 31 now and you have been the only person in my life, and the only one to ever show an interest in 30 years, I don't think I'll let anyone else in. There is still a large part of me that thinks I'll never be good enough. That I'll never be sexy enough, smart enough, thin enough, or any of that bullshit. I still feel that I will never be enough for someone to actually love. That everyone will leave me. Partially because everyone always does and partially because I have little to no self worth and am broken. I don't want to be the girl that has to beg people to love her. Because being that girl sucks. So I will probably spend my life afraid to let the next person break me again. But that is okay. I planned to spend my life alone before, you just put me back on that path.
So while I am more broken that I have ever been, my life is better than it was. I will probably spend much of the next year thinking of all the things I never told you. OR things I want to tell you. Of wishing that instead of saying goodbye, I had begged you to try again. Begged you to love me. But it can't be like that. You once told me that you wanted me to want things, not because you wanted them, but because I wanted them. This is the same. I want you to be true to who you are. Always be true to who you are. I want you to want me more than anything. I want a chance at the dream I had. The life with you and the little boy that calls you daddy. But I would want you to do this because you want it, not because it's what I want. Or because you feel that you need to save me. And since you don't want me, I will have to find a way to live with that. But it is better than finding out later that you never wanted me to begin with.
I could on and on. I don't want to finally finish this between us. And it will break me for awhile, but maybe someday I'll be able to pick up the pieces. I hope that life is everything you want and more. That you and your dad, and the rest of your family, get to spend a lot more time together. That you find a way to get your girl Persephone fixed. That you get out of Meijer and start your mighty empire. That you find happiness. That you realize that even if you are broken, you are an amazing guy. That you deserve all of this. I have been and will continue to pray that it works out for you. That you find the guidance and strength to make your life the life you want. That you make your life better. And if you ever doubt yourself, remember that you got this! You've always got this!
So David. My favorite sleepy David. Take care of yourself. I care about you and want the best for you. Always. I love you more that I would have ever thought possible. And I'm sure that there is a part of me that always will. That will always think what if? But I can't stay there forever.
Hugs, David! Hugs! MUSH!
I love you, but goodbye,
Shlee