Here Is Some More Of The Real Me
Sooooo . . . mother decided that I should see father today and he had to bring me to my appointment. Even though she knows full well there was a good reason I was happy when he left and they got a divorce. She doesn't know why, however, and I don't think she ever will - her calling me evil and selfish the day the divorce was finalized because I smiled was insult enough. I'd rather not rehash to her. Going through enough right now - don't need to open up another can of worms.
I kinda got lost in my own world for a little while today. Reverted to the way things used to be, so to speak. 13 years of my life that I thought were behind me all seemed so real again, and I got a little . . (can't think of the right word right now)
I figured I should post some of my poetry. For some reason one of my teachers told me that sharing it would help. I didn't share any of this until recently, I still feel (I hate admitting this) scared, ashamed, guilty, horrible. So far, I don't see it helping. I don't see how proclaiming this stuff to the entire frickin' world is gonna help me "let go."
WARNING: this may be triggering for some of those that have experienced similar things. Please don't read if you think it might set you back or cause any kind of mental turmoil.
Here goes . . . .
I feel the sting of your rough hand
because I didn't obey your every command.
The neighbors hear the racket you've caused
but they would rather give you applause.
Go ahead, claim your prize.
I'll just lay here and close my eyes.
Blocking out the taunts you yell,
wishing you would go to back to hell.
You call me selfish, lazy, ugly slut,
you cross the room with that evil strut.
Tell me all that I've done wrong,
in this neverending, tragic song.
The door opens, your friends are here.
I look up in sudden fear.
Begging, pleading, does no good
I stay silent like I should.
Dreaming of a better place,
reality blurred by tears of disgrace.
I hit the wall, result of a shove.
you say I am not worthy of being loved.
My eyes fill with salty tears.
I watch as my childhood disappears.
And another. Same warning applies here
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
You come home, angry and tired,
somehow it's me that got you fired.
You say I'm difficult, not worth a dime,
I should go away, stop wasting your time.
You throw a bottle at my head,
misses me, hits the wall instead.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
The glass breaks, shards scatter,
To you, I will never matter.
Just another mess and I am the cause,
is there a way to put this on pause?
Look what I made you do, you say,
For this sin, I now must pay.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
How can you have the nerve to sneer
as I sit, frozen in fear?
Why do you treat me all the time,
like I'm the cuplrit of some horrible crime?
I cringe, waiting for the pain
I am the reason you've gone insane.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
My payment is put on hold
while you make a call, what'll unfold?
You hang up and say you'll be back
For asking when, I receive a smack
Knowing full well, you'll have a drink
then blame me for needing a shrink.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
I cringe when I hear the car,
You're home late from the bar.
Your friends are with you, I can see
To God I make a silent plea.
You come stumbling through the door,
Laughing about what I'll endure.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
I look up, what will you have me do
For you and the rest of your crew?
I get a familiar sense of dread,
Horrendous thoughts fill my head.
From the looks, I know what's to come
I try to shut off, wishing to be numb.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
This is what I get for causing you grief,
I shake my head in disbelief.
At the first stab of pain
I scream and cry out in vain.
Your friend calls me a dirty whore
I can't possibly take anymore.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
I shut my eyes and live through the hour,
Now it's over and I just want to shower.
I can't process what has occured,
but you tell me not to say a word.
No one would believe me anyway,
if they ask, it was just another day
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
You say I am the one to blame,
I believe you, head down in shame.
I know lying here on the floor,
I got what I was asking for.
You gave the punishment I deserved,
Lesson learned and observed.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
I kinda got lost in my own world for a little while today. Reverted to the way things used to be, so to speak. 13 years of my life that I thought were behind me all seemed so real again, and I got a little . . (can't think of the right word right now)
I figured I should post some of my poetry. For some reason one of my teachers told me that sharing it would help. I didn't share any of this until recently, I still feel (I hate admitting this) scared, ashamed, guilty, horrible. So far, I don't see it helping. I don't see how proclaiming this stuff to the entire frickin' world is gonna help me "let go."
WARNING: this may be triggering for some of those that have experienced similar things. Please don't read if you think it might set you back or cause any kind of mental turmoil.
Here goes . . . .
I feel the sting of your rough hand
because I didn't obey your every command.
The neighbors hear the racket you've caused
but they would rather give you applause.
Go ahead, claim your prize.
I'll just lay here and close my eyes.
Blocking out the taunts you yell,
wishing you would go to back to hell.
You call me selfish, lazy, ugly slut,
you cross the room with that evil strut.
Tell me all that I've done wrong,
in this neverending, tragic song.
The door opens, your friends are here.
I look up in sudden fear.
Begging, pleading, does no good
I stay silent like I should.
Dreaming of a better place,
reality blurred by tears of disgrace.
I hit the wall, result of a shove.
you say I am not worthy of being loved.
My eyes fill with salty tears.
I watch as my childhood disappears.
And another. Same warning applies here
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
You come home, angry and tired,
somehow it's me that got you fired.
You say I'm difficult, not worth a dime,
I should go away, stop wasting your time.
You throw a bottle at my head,
misses me, hits the wall instead.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
The glass breaks, shards scatter,
To you, I will never matter.
Just another mess and I am the cause,
is there a way to put this on pause?
Look what I made you do, you say,
For this sin, I now must pay.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
How can you have the nerve to sneer
as I sit, frozen in fear?
Why do you treat me all the time,
like I'm the cuplrit of some horrible crime?
I cringe, waiting for the pain
I am the reason you've gone insane.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
My payment is put on hold
while you make a call, what'll unfold?
You hang up and say you'll be back
For asking when, I receive a smack
Knowing full well, you'll have a drink
then blame me for needing a shrink.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
I cringe when I hear the car,
You're home late from the bar.
Your friends are with you, I can see
To God I make a silent plea.
You come stumbling through the door,
Laughing about what I'll endure.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
I look up, what will you have me do
For you and the rest of your crew?
I get a familiar sense of dread,
Horrendous thoughts fill my head.
From the looks, I know what's to come
I try to shut off, wishing to be numb.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
This is what I get for causing you grief,
I shake my head in disbelief.
At the first stab of pain
I scream and cry out in vain.
Your friend calls me a dirty whore
I can't possibly take anymore.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
I shut my eyes and live through the hour,
Now it's over and I just want to shower.
I can't process what has occured,
but you tell me not to say a word.
No one would believe me anyway,
if they ask, it was just another day
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?
You say I am the one to blame,
I believe you, head down in shame.
I know lying here on the floor,
I got what I was asking for.
You gave the punishment I deserved,
Lesson learned and observed.
Where do you draw the line?
When is the fault no longer mine?