Dear Diary
Today we are going to break the 4th wall. This post is more for other people then our self but it’s good to be upfront and level with people reading you so I am going to put this little note here for everyone to read so that they can see where we are coming from. (Yes, I talk to my Diary, lol)
Genetically I have weird genes I was born XXY but it gets weird because it's not technically Klinefelter syndrome which is the most common for the XXY chromosome. This technically makes me a boy, even though at birth I was classified and raised as a girl, I didn't find out until I got sick and they did genetic testing on me, then found out they did the same tests on me in my childhood (they traced it because it's rare) and they either didn't tell my mother (who was probably to one who took me to the doctor) or she just didn't understand (a more likely case), so I guess I am not technically male or female.
I kind of have both gender things and don’t want to get grossly descriptive but to satisfy the curiosity. The male part runs parallel internally along the top of the female part, but doesn’t really function as anything other then a holder for the urinary tract, for the most part. Guys I dated asked my if I was a transsexual, but I never realized why until the genetic testing, I mean sure I looked weird in places, but I figured everyone looks different right? Thankfully, my boyfriends & separated husband were all bisexual. Also, that is all I am saying on that matter, lol
I had periods, but they were always weird and messed up, and never regular. I really didn’t think I was fertile in anyway (most people with screwed up chromosomes are not) , but ended up after many complications and a lot of feet up in the air and on required bed rest, with two kids ten years apart. After my having daughter the periods just halted altogether so hurray!
I don’t look particularly masculine or feminine, and I am not camera shy on here, my camera is just temporarily down. Hopefully some new batteries will spruce it up. When I was in collage I worked in a drag bar, and only a few close friends knew that I wasn’t technically a drag queen.
I used to think that I had to force myself into one gender or the other, not just because society always makes you check that little box but because I felt I needed it for my identity. I don’t. If I dress up too fancy I look like a drag queen and if I dress too boyish I look like I am trying too hard to be masculine. It took me awhile but I don’t care. I just wear whatever fashion I want. Even if an occasional person in public does ask me my gender. (This has on occasion happened.)
One of my favorite role models I would have to say is Mana, he is a musician, and he designs clothes (Lolita Style) which he wears, and like ‘honey badger don’t give no shit’. (Yes, this is a picture of a man.)
I like more of the Mori Kei style myself, lots of layers, more comfortable, less binding, and also looks well with jeans. It can do masculine as well as feminine. Speaking of which, I made a dress today, I am so proud of it, I want to take a picture of it, but camera. :/ My mother says it looks like a nightgown, pfft. She just doesn’t understand style! Or, at least my style.
Haha, here I was going to talk about me, and ended up talking about fashion!
Okay, back to me and my weird genetics. I do have facial hair but it is very light. My hair is heavier on my arms and legs then a girls, but not as heavy as most guys, if I were to let it grow, but I don’t I just shave off all my hair except eyebrows and top of head, because I would look silly otherwise. Not that shaved heads aren’t cool, they are, I just like my hair longer.
Also I am not that tall, somewhere between five foot five and five foot six. When I wear boots which are my preferred shoe no matter what I am wearing I am closer to five seven five eight, and as tall as a lot of men that I run into.
I am separated from my husband. Not because of the genetics (although we were married when I found out about it.) But more because he couldn’t deal with our daughter being autistic. Son has Aspergers Syndrome. I guess he didn’t want to go that whole route over again. Near the end of our marriage I lived more solely as a male, he liked it that way and frankly, so did I, for awhile. But every time I try to live and be as just one gender and not the other I begin to feel really cramped inside, as if I am not wearing my own skin and I am dressing up in someone else’s.
Breaking up with my husband, I moved from San Francisco to Florida and in with my mother, who is retired, but has a part time job to keep her from being bored. She has a big house and likes me paying the bills so that works out fine, although sometimes I wish it was just me and the kids, when she irritates me, and I know she needs the extra help around the house, so it’s all good.
This diary is about me, knowing what I want and finding out what I want. It is about me being who I am, for the good and the bad, for my happy side and my rages, and pet peeves, for my fun side and for my thoughtful side.
It has become about me meeting and caring and knowing other people. Learning about life, because I feel that I will never stop learning about life until it is over, and that is not going to be anytime soon.
Okay, that’s about everything, and tomorrow I will just go back to talking to my diary.
Genetically I have weird genes I was born XXY but it gets weird because it's not technically Klinefelter syndrome which is the most common for the XXY chromosome. This technically makes me a boy, even though at birth I was classified and raised as a girl, I didn't find out until I got sick and they did genetic testing on me, then found out they did the same tests on me in my childhood (they traced it because it's rare) and they either didn't tell my mother (who was probably to one who took me to the doctor) or she just didn't understand (a more likely case), so I guess I am not technically male or female.
I kind of have both gender things and don’t want to get grossly descriptive but to satisfy the curiosity. The male part runs parallel internally along the top of the female part, but doesn’t really function as anything other then a holder for the urinary tract, for the most part. Guys I dated asked my if I was a transsexual, but I never realized why until the genetic testing, I mean sure I looked weird in places, but I figured everyone looks different right? Thankfully, my boyfriends & separated husband were all bisexual. Also, that is all I am saying on that matter, lol
I had periods, but they were always weird and messed up, and never regular. I really didn’t think I was fertile in anyway (most people with screwed up chromosomes are not) , but ended up after many complications and a lot of feet up in the air and on required bed rest, with two kids ten years apart. After my having daughter the periods just halted altogether so hurray!
I don’t look particularly masculine or feminine, and I am not camera shy on here, my camera is just temporarily down. Hopefully some new batteries will spruce it up. When I was in collage I worked in a drag bar, and only a few close friends knew that I wasn’t technically a drag queen.
I used to think that I had to force myself into one gender or the other, not just because society always makes you check that little box but because I felt I needed it for my identity. I don’t. If I dress up too fancy I look like a drag queen and if I dress too boyish I look like I am trying too hard to be masculine. It took me awhile but I don’t care. I just wear whatever fashion I want. Even if an occasional person in public does ask me my gender. (This has on occasion happened.)
One of my favorite role models I would have to say is Mana, he is a musician, and he designs clothes (Lolita Style) which he wears, and like ‘honey badger don’t give no shit’. (Yes, this is a picture of a man.)
I like more of the Mori Kei style myself, lots of layers, more comfortable, less binding, and also looks well with jeans. It can do masculine as well as feminine. Speaking of which, I made a dress today, I am so proud of it, I want to take a picture of it, but camera. :/ My mother says it looks like a nightgown, pfft. She just doesn’t understand style! Or, at least my style.
Haha, here I was going to talk about me, and ended up talking about fashion!
Okay, back to me and my weird genetics. I do have facial hair but it is very light. My hair is heavier on my arms and legs then a girls, but not as heavy as most guys, if I were to let it grow, but I don’t I just shave off all my hair except eyebrows and top of head, because I would look silly otherwise. Not that shaved heads aren’t cool, they are, I just like my hair longer.
Also I am not that tall, somewhere between five foot five and five foot six. When I wear boots which are my preferred shoe no matter what I am wearing I am closer to five seven five eight, and as tall as a lot of men that I run into.
I am separated from my husband. Not because of the genetics (although we were married when I found out about it.) But more because he couldn’t deal with our daughter being autistic. Son has Aspergers Syndrome. I guess he didn’t want to go that whole route over again. Near the end of our marriage I lived more solely as a male, he liked it that way and frankly, so did I, for awhile. But every time I try to live and be as just one gender and not the other I begin to feel really cramped inside, as if I am not wearing my own skin and I am dressing up in someone else’s.
Breaking up with my husband, I moved from San Francisco to Florida and in with my mother, who is retired, but has a part time job to keep her from being bored. She has a big house and likes me paying the bills so that works out fine, although sometimes I wish it was just me and the kids, when she irritates me, and I know she needs the extra help around the house, so it’s all good.
This diary is about me, knowing what I want and finding out what I want. It is about me being who I am, for the good and the bad, for my happy side and my rages, and pet peeves, for my fun side and for my thoughtful side.
It has become about me meeting and caring and knowing other people. Learning about life, because I feel that I will never stop learning about life until it is over, and that is not going to be anytime soon.
Okay, that’s about everything, and tomorrow I will just go back to talking to my diary.