Guilty
I feel so guilty right now for having suicidal thoughts... I really can't help it most of the time though. I know there are a lot of people who love and care about me, and that if I did go through with it they'd be devastated. I guess I realized that moreso today. I visited my family for the day for the first time in months and months. I like seeing them, but it's difficult because they keep such a messy (well pretty much disgusting house). I've always hated that, and I don't bring people by for that reason... even my boyfriend has never been there. That's also one of the biggest reasons I rarely visit, and usually not overnight. I love my family though, but I couldn't stay long with them or it triggers my depression more.
Anyway, I feel so bad for my boyfriend because he has to deal with my depression too. Last Friday I got a little too drunk and started saying things that scared him, like slitting my wrists and etc. I don't even remember a lot of it very well... I usually don't let myself get to that point when I drink, but I tend to when I'm really stressed out and I'm not careful. He ended up coming home from work to take care of me, which was sweet, but I feel bad because he worries a lot about me. He says he'll stick by me through everything, but I know I can be difficult because of my ups and downs. My mood swings are somewhat erratic. I am trying to get help though... lack of finances are a problem right now though. I actually feel fine today though and most all of yesterday, well it's 3:56 a.m. so today's a new day, but whatever.
I think a lot of the problems I've been having these past several months have been worse because of where I'm living. I hate it. My roommates are horrible in so many different ways... they're really inconsiderate... I feel like I don't even belong there. It's just way too much shit to go into talking about. Luckly, my boyfriend and I are moving out this weekend, so hopefully things will start to look up some. I also need to find a new job there too. It's going to be hard though because I don't want to work in retail... a lot of the people around here are so rude... they're always in a rush or in a bad mood. I want something a little more relaxed... I don't mind hard work... I just want a more drama-free job. I don't know what though... a good job will be easier to find once I get my Bachelor's degree. I still have a couple of years to go for that though.
I can't wait until I'm less stressed out. It's been a rough year for me. I've had to make some of the hardest decisions I've ever made, and I've been hurt a lot too. I can't wait for things to start improving... at least a little bit anyway. I need a break... it's just been one difficult thing after another. I feel alone a lot of times too in it, though not right now. I need professional help or something I can't seem to figure out on my own, and I know that, but right now it's just not possible. I'll keep trying though. I don't know... maybe I'll figure it out someday. Anyway, I'll write later... I need to get some sleep.