(no subject)
Do you ever forget about something, forget how it feels, just forget about it, and then just suddenly remember it? I do sometimes, I just get on living life, and then just out of the blue something will come and remind me. I can almost feel myself giving into it, it's like a cloud, a fog that is for some reason always lingering, always reading to come and engulf me if I'm not aware of it. Like I'm walking uphill and sometimes it would just be so much easier to let myself slide down, but then I know exactly where I'd be, and who I'd be. I'd be that friend you can't count on for anything, the one who says they'll be there and then turns their back on their real friends for people who have something different.
I've been fairly busy living my own life, and in reality this is the first time in my life that I have truly been living my life and only my life. I don't have to worry about anything except my own friends and family, and I feel free. I don't know where life is going to take me, what I know is that sometimes I might slip, but as long as I don't let go I'll be going in the right direction. Sometimes I do things that make me question myself. Do all the small good things I do, make up for what I've just done. I don't have all the answers, I just know that doing what is right is not always as easy as I'd like it to be, and often times I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I'm glad I'm not in a relationship, I don't think I can deal with it. I don't think I'm at the point where I can do it and not be crazy. I don't know what it is, like it's safe to just be nuts, and it just feeds on itself, you know. It's not good for me and it's not fair to anyone, to never know what they're going to come home to, never knowing what kind of mood I'm going to be in. I'm nervous right now, like I wish things were they way they were a year ago today, but then I take a step back and realize how glad I am that they're not, how glad I am that I am taking a step towards being Emily, not someone's daughter, not someones girlfriend, but Emily. It probably sounds silly, but it's just different for me to be just me, to talk about what I've done, what I know, not what someone else has done or knows.
Ok well enough of this weirdness
I've been fairly busy living my own life, and in reality this is the first time in my life that I have truly been living my life and only my life. I don't have to worry about anything except my own friends and family, and I feel free. I don't know where life is going to take me, what I know is that sometimes I might slip, but as long as I don't let go I'll be going in the right direction. Sometimes I do things that make me question myself. Do all the small good things I do, make up for what I've just done. I don't have all the answers, I just know that doing what is right is not always as easy as I'd like it to be, and often times I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I'm glad I'm not in a relationship, I don't think I can deal with it. I don't think I'm at the point where I can do it and not be crazy. I don't know what it is, like it's safe to just be nuts, and it just feeds on itself, you know. It's not good for me and it's not fair to anyone, to never know what they're going to come home to, never knowing what kind of mood I'm going to be in. I'm nervous right now, like I wish things were they way they were a year ago today, but then I take a step back and realize how glad I am that they're not, how glad I am that I am taking a step towards being Emily, not someone's daughter, not someones girlfriend, but Emily. It probably sounds silly, but it's just different for me to be just me, to talk about what I've done, what I know, not what someone else has done or knows.
Ok well enough of this weirdness