(no subject)
I don't know that I ever thought a day would really come when I was faced with the choice between staying with what I know, what's safe, and what I used to dream of doing. I can't see myself doing anything major in the next year, so I think I have to go. I still catch myself getting jealous of people when I shouldn't, that's a huge clue it's time to do something for me. I think I'm in a place in my life where this is almost perfect, I'm a little worried about missing everyone, and about leaving everything that is so familiar, it's like going to college all over again...minus all the sex hahaha.
I have to admit that if this works out that looking back on where I came from I am impressed with myself. I know people have overcome far more then I have, I was blessed in so many ways. I remember this spring, just after Aaron broke up with me, I was in Haverhill looking at the house I was used to live in. I used to drive by that house and I'd feel bad, sometimes I'd cry, but I would always think, damn that little girl is still there hurting. Then I went there and I looked at that house and I was done with it, the thought in my head was, you will not take me down, you will not keep me down, you did enough and it's part of me, but I am overcoming everything that happened there and I am never backing down again I will never be that scared little girl again. So that was different. From that stand point it was like I was free.
So being free means that I have to be willing to live my own life. I have to be willing to make my own story and try not to repeat my mothers story, at least the bad parts, I don't have to prove how strong I am by getting taken to the hospital by the police, by drinking, by using drugs, I don't have to prove anything, I have to do my own thing, and I'll prove myself by being myself. I don't have to lose more, or hurt more, I've lost enough and I've hurt enough, I have my own fears and they don't have to be hers. Overcoming her fears won't bring her back and they won't make me a better person. Overcoming her addictions won't do it either. I don't have to be like my dad either, I'm strong in my own ways. I just finally figured out that I should be taking the best of my parents and using them in my own life.
Ok off to bed...
I have to admit that if this works out that looking back on where I came from I am impressed with myself. I know people have overcome far more then I have, I was blessed in so many ways. I remember this spring, just after Aaron broke up with me, I was in Haverhill looking at the house I was used to live in. I used to drive by that house and I'd feel bad, sometimes I'd cry, but I would always think, damn that little girl is still there hurting. Then I went there and I looked at that house and I was done with it, the thought in my head was, you will not take me down, you will not keep me down, you did enough and it's part of me, but I am overcoming everything that happened there and I am never backing down again I will never be that scared little girl again. So that was different. From that stand point it was like I was free.
So being free means that I have to be willing to live my own life. I have to be willing to make my own story and try not to repeat my mothers story, at least the bad parts, I don't have to prove how strong I am by getting taken to the hospital by the police, by drinking, by using drugs, I don't have to prove anything, I have to do my own thing, and I'll prove myself by being myself. I don't have to lose more, or hurt more, I've lost enough and I've hurt enough, I have my own fears and they don't have to be hers. Overcoming her fears won't bring her back and they won't make me a better person. Overcoming her addictions won't do it either. I don't have to be like my dad either, I'm strong in my own ways. I just finally figured out that I should be taking the best of my parents and using them in my own life.
Ok off to bed...