Why I Feel This Way - 12 of 17(?)
Title: Why I Feel This Way
Rating: R
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Spoilers: AU
Warnings: Pet!Blaine, Finchel, typos and grammatical errors
Summary: Sequel to " Man's Best Friend" which you should definitely read first. After being reunited with Blaine, Kurt is beyond ecstatic, but life with pet turned lover in the Big Apple isn't exactly what Kurt had hoped for.
When Kurt arrived home from his second shift he was surprised to find a dark apartment. Dropping his keys on the little hall table, Kurt stepped out of his shoes and arranged them in the closet before walking further into the apartment
“Blaine?” he called out before stopping short.
Blaine was sitting on the living room couch in the dark, holding a softly crying Rachel. He frowned at Kurt and continued to stroke Rachel’s hair while he slowly rocked her in his arms. Confused Concern taking over, Kurt dropped his bag to the floor and moved to sit down next to them on the couch.
“What happened?” asked Kurt, looking from Blaine to Rachel.
After a few more moments of soft crying, Rachel was able to get a hold of herself enough to lift her face from Blaine’s collarbone and focus her wet eyes on Kurt. She left out a little hiccup of a sob, her brown furrowed and her mouth twisting into a self-deprecating smile.
“I talked to Finn,” she managed.
Kurt didn’t say anything. He knew that most of the reasoning behind Finn wanting to fly out to visit was so he and Rachel could try to work things out. They had been pretty solid for Senior year of highschool but when Rachel had asked him to follow her to New York (well, more like simply expected him to do so) and he had declined, their relationship flopped. That single moment had rendered all the work and love they had put into an arguably rocky relationship null. They didn’t talk for that whole first year, but both asking Kurt how the other was doing from time to time. It was obvious to Kurt that they still loved each other, but he had chosen to stay out of it as much as his situation would allow.
They had randomly (perhaps it wasn’t random to them, but it had seemed so to Kurt) started talking again right before the end of Kurt and Rachel’s first year of college. Quickly, an email here or a text message there had turned into numerous texting almost every day. Finn still wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with his life, but he knew that he still wanted Rachel in it. They were going to try to get back together and Finn’s planned trip out to visit Kurt was the perfect time.
“He’s not going to come,” she hiccupped as fresh tears began to well in her eyes. “He said... to tell you... he’s sorry.”
New sobs began to shaking Rachel’s small frame and she fell back into Blaine with enough force to make his eyes widen and his breath catch as if she had almost knocked the wind out of him. He hugged her close, regardless, and went back to stroking a hand through her hair.
“I’m sorry, Rachel,” said Kurt softly.
“I hate Jesse St. James so much right now,” exclaimed Rachel miserably voice much shriller than her usual.
Kurt knew that Rachel blamed herself more than she blamed Jesse, so he didn’t need to point out that this wasn’t just Jesse St. James’ fault, plus, it would be a pretty asshole thing to do. He made a soft cooing sound but didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. Rachel had screwed up and what was already a delicate bond reforming between her and Finn had just suffered a terrible blow.
It was probably twice as bad that the person she had slept with was one who had so much baggage with them and their previous relationship. Finn had wanted Rachel when Jesse had her. He had been forced to watch Jesse humiliate her and break her heart. Then, later, Jesse had shown up again wanting her back. He had been mean to Finn, using his personal insecurities against him and Rachel had absolutely preened under Jesse’s attention. Knowing that it had been Jesse, of all people, to screw things up for them when they had a chance at reuniting was probably killing Finn.
But Kurt didn’t want to be involved. He couldn’t take sides between his roommate and best friend and his brother, and he was not about to be used as the mediator. He would try to soothe Rachel, but he was not going to get involved.
“I think this calls for some cheesecake,” said Kurt.
Rachel raised her head from Blaine’s shoulder to give Kurt a pointed look, but it only managed to appear pathetic with her red-rimmed eyes and tear tracks.
“Vegan cheesecake,” amended Kurt with a sigh. “The things I do for you, Rachel.”
He patted her knee and stood.
“I won’t take long,” called Kurt as he picked up his bag and went back to the apartment door to slip on his shoes and grab his keys.
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Kurt waited in line at the busy little vegetarian/vegan coffee shop and bakery in their little section of New York City. They had a wall of cookbooks and other Vegan and Vegetarian lifestyle books, as well as a section of fair-trade goods for sale beyond the coffee shop and bakery. It was a popular place and, despite its small size, served a large amount of patrons every day. It was always busy. A ping from Kurt’s bag alerted him to a text message.
Shawn: Thanks for the other night!
Kurt was about to hit reply on the touch-screen when another ping sounded from his phone and a new text message came in.
Shawn: Can we still meet for coffee? Or does the night out count as my allotted Kurt Hummel Time?
“Allotted Kurt Hummel Time,” whispered Kurt out loud with a small laugh.
He touched the reply button on the screen and typed out a response saying he enjoyed the night out and would consider allowing Shawn a little extra ‘Kurt Hummel Time’ than his allotted. It earned him an enthusiastic response complete with too many smiley emoticons. Kurt laughed to himself, imagining the cute puppy-dog expression on Shawn’s face as he typed it out. Kurt had another shift the next day, so asked Shawn to meet him at Cafe Noir during his lunch break.
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When Kurt returned home, Rachel and Blaine were still on the couch. This time, though, Rachel was quiet. Blaine was still holding her, but her body was lax and her tears long dried up. Kurt smiled at Blaine from the end of the hall but suddenly froze. Blaine was humming.
Blaine was humming.
Kurt’s breath caught in his throat and he nearly dropped the cheesecake box in his hand. He stood stuck to the spot for a minute or more just listening to Blaine hum. It just might have been the most beautiful thing he had ever heard. The part that made his heart clench in his chest was when he realized Blaine was attempting the harmony of the lullaby Kurt had introduced him to -the one his mom used to sing to him when he was little.
He could feel tears beginning to sting his eyes and quietly cleared his throat of the lump building in it before heading into the kitchen with the cheesecake. He set the box down on the counter. Leaning against the countertop, he took a few deep breaths in an attempt to will away the sudden onslaught of emotion forcing its way up his throat.
After steeling himself, Kurt pulled out three dessert plates and forks and a cake server. He pulled the cheesecake from the traditional pink bakery box and cut a piece for each of them. For a millisecond, when he stepped back into the living room with the three plates in balanced in his hand, he considered feeling jealous that Blaine would sit and comfort Rachel, that he would hum Kurt’s song to her while he petted her hair. It only took a millisecond for him to decide against feeling that way, though. Instead, he found himself feeling some akin to pride.
He carefully set the plates on the coffee table in front of them and then sat down on the couch next to Rachel so that she was sandwiched between the two young men. With a little smile, Rachel sat up and gave Kurt a quick squeeze before reaching for a plate of cheesecake.
“Thank you, Kurt,” she said softly, her voice still a little hoarse.
She used the side of her fork to cut herself a piece from her cake before scooping it up with the fork and popping it into her mouth. She let out a small hum of enjoyment.
“I’m sorry,” she spoke again after a few more bites. “I don’t get to be like this. This is my fault. I don’t deserve you or Blaine right now, I deserve to be miserable.”
“Hey,” said Kurt, touching her chin to get her to look him in the eye. “We’re your friends; of course we’re here for you when you’re sad.”
“Heartbroken,” corrected Rachel with a big sigh that Kurt would normally point out as overly-dramatic but in the current situation, it was actually fitting.
“Heartbroken,” amended Kurt with a little nod before reaching for his own plate of cheesecake.
“Blaine,” said Rachel, turning from Kurt to look at him. “Have some cake.”
She gestured at his plate sitting on the coffee table and gave him an expectant look. He gingerly reached for it. Balancing it precariously on his knees, he awkwardly worked the fork over it to get a slice into his mouth. He grinned happily after getting his first taste, making a low sound in the back of his throat as a way to voice his approval of the taste. Kurt grinned.
They enjoyed their cake in companionable silence. Kurt quickly decided it was one of those special occasions where it would be okay if they had a second slice. So, when they were finished their first pieces, he took their plates and quickly returned with seconds.
“I know what to do,” said Rachel when she had finished her second slice.
She set her plate down on the coffee table and jumped up from the couch before fleeing the room. Blaine looked over to Kurt in confusion but Kurt just shrugged. She came back a few minutes later with her iPod and set it in the small dock on the living room shelf.
“This isn’t my usual repertoire, but I just thought of the perfect song for our situations,” she said brightly to Kurt as she turned on the music and stood in the middle of the room facing Blaine and Kurt.
“Our situations?”asked Kurt, raising an eyebrow.
“Your breakdown last night,” explained Rachel as if it were obvious. “My break down this afternoon. We’re both heartbroken over confusing relationships, Kurt, and I find it helpful to sing about my feelings.”
“I’m sure Blaine has similar feelings, too,” she added just as the soft guitar strings of the song began to fill the room.
Kurt wanted to be mortified that Rachel was about to give them an impromptu performance in their own apartment, but at this point in his friendship with Rachel, he knew to expect such things. Besides, he was too busy being surprised at her song choice as he listened to the soothing guitar.
On the wind
Take hold of the tiger’s tail
It’s tragic when first love dies
Religious when stars collide
When it hurts
Don’t let go
Give up hope
As we’re falling back down to the earth
Lightning fails
We all know
That no one can lead us back home
Open wide
Invite all the world inside
Never was hard to take
The pleasure has been all mine
Kurt glanced sideways at Blaine as Rachel hit the chorus, pouring her emotions into the song even while keeping her voice soft instead of belting. Blaine was enamoured. Kurt realized in that moment that Blaine wasn’t accustomed to singing, even with Kurt and Finn being members of the school glee club in high school. Since Kurt usually listened to music with his ear buds in, Blaine had hardly been exposed to music of any form.
When it hurts
Don’t let go
Give up hope
As we’re falling back down to the earth
Lightning fails
We all know
That no one can lead us back home
Kurt watched Blaine watch Rachel. He was watching her with bright, wide eyes. When the violins began to play in the background, Blaine closed his eyes and smiled. A soft sigh escaped his partly open lips. Blaine was beautiful like that.
When it hurts
Don’t let go
Give up hope
As we’re falling back down to the earth
Lightning fails
We all know
That no one can lead us back home
When it hurts
Don’t let go
No one can lead us back home
Rachel let the song finish and fade out before turning off her iPod and removing it from the dock. She turned around and gave Kurt and Blaine a hopeful smile.
“So?” she asked when neither said anything or made a move to applaud her. “Perfect, right? Do you think it’ll help you get through this? I think it will. I feel better already after singing it. Not completely better, obviously. I still have the same problem, but it feels better to sing about things. Perhaps you need to sing something, too. Do you have a song in mind?”
“Thank you, Rachel,” Kurt said shortly, cutting through her fast-paced rambling. “I don’t think I’ll need to sing about it, your song choice was excellent and I think it pretty much covers it.”
“Yes, I think so, too,” replied Rachel with a bright grin. “I’m glad I found it. Sorry if the performance wasn’t my usual 110% but I have been crying for a good part of the afternoon and it was an impromptu performance. Usually, I have a few songs prepared in the case of such performances, but this was not one of the ones on my list.”
Rachel frowned thoughtfully after saying that. It took a lot of self control on Kurt’s behalf not to roll his eyes when he imagined she was considering adding some new songs to her list of prepared songs for future scenarios. He had to admit, though, the song did feel like it hit fairly close to home for his relationship with Blaine.
“Thank you for being such a good friend, Kurt,” she said with a soft, genuine smile. “Blaine, thank you so much, too. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
She gave them both hugs starting with Blaine, then grabbed her iPod and swiftly left the room.
Click to viewUnfortunately, I didn't find a CD version of this song on YouTube to supply you with. Get it on iTunes if you're interested... everything by David Usher is gold.