Introspection and Contradiction
I have only recently come to realize that just because you can do something to, or for, a person, does not mean they must reciprocate - and vise versa. I now know that this is both a point of contention for me, as well as a source of security. I don't know why it has taken me this long to acknowledge this fact, but the insightful value to me is immeasurable right now.
How can it be both? Can you have it both ways?
I was often asked, since I was little, why do I go to such extremes? My common reply to this day has been, "because the extremes makes everything so obvious." I now know this is not, like many things, universally true. But in my mind, in an extreme world, you can either be good or evil, smart or dumb, half-full or half-empty. It's binary and simple. Yet, when I was asked by my first grade teacher if I thought the glass was half-full or half-empty, I replied by asking: did you drink it or pour it? My teacher seemed confused by my unexpected answer, and must have thought I was being belligerent because I remember I got in trouble.
I guess on some level I want things to be binary, extreme and simple. I want you to either be very nice to me or very mean. That way I know, and we cannot get confused. Yet there are instances where good friends of mine have hurt me, or wronged me, quite badly. And by that same token I know I can at least be civil and polite to people I really abhor.
I realize now that I seem to collect people that greatly add to my own introspection. It doesn't make me uncomfortable but, based on my history, I have to watch this very closely. One reason I enjoy introspection is because I realize all the contradictions I seem to live with.
A good friend of mine, named Fiona, had this long talk with me, years ago now, about this once (we were very bored at the coffee shop).
How can it be both? Can you have it both ways?
I was often asked, since I was little, why do I go to such extremes? My common reply to this day has been, "because the extremes makes everything so obvious." I now know this is not, like many things, universally true. But in my mind, in an extreme world, you can either be good or evil, smart or dumb, half-full or half-empty. It's binary and simple. Yet, when I was asked by my first grade teacher if I thought the glass was half-full or half-empty, I replied by asking: did you drink it or pour it? My teacher seemed confused by my unexpected answer, and must have thought I was being belligerent because I remember I got in trouble.
I guess on some level I want things to be binary, extreme and simple. I want you to either be very nice to me or very mean. That way I know, and we cannot get confused. Yet there are instances where good friends of mine have hurt me, or wronged me, quite badly. And by that same token I know I can at least be civil and polite to people I really abhor.
I realize now that I seem to collect people that greatly add to my own introspection. It doesn't make me uncomfortable but, based on my history, I have to watch this very closely. One reason I enjoy introspection is because I realize all the contradictions I seem to live with.
A good friend of mine, named Fiona, had this long talk with me, years ago now, about this once (we were very bored at the coffee shop).
- I like to be social, and I really need that connection, but I keep everyone at a distance.
- I truly believe that knowing is always better, but there are some things about me I'm not going to talk about.
- Being catholic is part of my identity, but I certainly don't subscribe to 100% of the doctrine.
- I no longer have a favorite color, and I generally don't notice color consciously, but I still need color to enjoy what I'm seeing.
- I really enjoy history but there is some history, frankly, that I find rather boring.
- I put a lot more investment into people than I know, or want, but I can just as easily let them go if I feel I must.
- "Family is the most important thing," I say. But, "You should always be your top concern," I say as well.
- I generally believe that I don't care what people do (get drunk, stoned, etc.) as long as it doesn't hut me. But some things still bother me on some level.
- I don't like being judged, or seeing people judge. But I am guilty of this despite my efforts.
- Honesty is key, especially with kids, but I lie . . . a lot . . . especially to myself.