Deeper Concerns...(Worry. Lament. Bitch. Hope.)
I'm not sure if I like Clark. It's definitely not a very eye opening experience. I feel like I'm reverting not growing, but actually I know I'm being stretched, just not in ways I was prepared for. If my program is so much shorter, why is it so easy? Did I cop out? Am I unintentionally not living up to my potential? Do I want to include more art in my life? If so, why aren't I? Should I just grow up and go to work and start settling? Is it immature to not settle?
I am living an opposite of last year. Last year, I did so many things to do, that I had no time for all the other things I wanted and I lived in a constant state of worry about not getting things done and not doing what I truly wanted. Now, all I have is time and virtually nothing school-related to worry about. So why am I not doing all those things I wanted? I have letters to write, letters I WANT to write and I've done two of about twenty. I want to write songs, but the only time I do anything music related is when I sing to myself at school. I have such big plans, so what's keeping them from me?
I feel like everyone's gone, but I know that's not true. I bug Anna daily, but unfortunately has a life of her own, I haven't talked to Sam since before school started, Ellery is still right here and yet I still feel like I'm failing at seeing her, there's lots of people at Clark, but I don't hang out with anyone, all the other people I can think of seem so far away living their seperate lives. I try and connect, but God I have terrible followthrough which is ridiculous when I feel like these things are so important. I haven't sent a single package and I've only sent one letter. And yet, I want to fix everyones problems, but I can't and I want to atleast be there for everyone and I'm not. I feel crazy, like I worry more than the rest of the world, but maybe I'm just weird because I can't keep it to myself. I've decided the twins aren't perfect, but still better. I don't know when I got so whiney, but sadly it's a true representation of my thoughts. I wish I could stop degrading everything I say by apologizing or belittling, but I'm not sure I'm capable of anything else.
I felt so at ease at VSAA and I miss it. I worried, but it seemed less troubling. For all I know, that could just be that I didn't have the time to obsess. WHY does EVERYTHING go back to the Art school? It does seem like it sometimes. It's weird to think I was there from eleven to eighteen. I feel like art schoolers are a breed I shall find no where else even though I desperately search. I also feel like people should just know that I'm an artschooler, which should prepare them or exactly who I am. But instead, I think I just sound like I'll never move on from highschool.
I feel so lame. that's really what I'm saying about everything. What's holding me back? This is my life and what do I do with it? I half assedly count my blessings while I hover over every fear and worry. No matter what I sound like, I'M FINE. How can I worry about useless shit when I'm healthy and all of my problems can be fixed by me? Being around alot of illness that has so little to do with its victim, I know I need to grow up and figure it out. Rob is really tired. Physically and mentally and in a weird way, I want to get over myself and live for him. It's getting harder to stay positive for both of us, but I will do my best. I need to stop using the bad as an excuse to be bitter. I am becoming more okay with people not fully understanding how I work. My grandfather Jack is also quite sick and won't live much longer and he still thinks I play chess like I did in elementary school. I'm going to re-learn how to play chess so I can play against him. If anyone plays chess and would like to play against a lonely chess grandmaster, let me know.
Small things bless my life and that's what I want to focus on. I am making a resolution to continue the good. I will write my letters, I will finish my jewelry, I'll even try to go back to sewing. I will make excellent use of the times I do have and I will create art in whatever circumstance needed. I will lead the life I want, seeing as I know the only thing truly in my way is me.
I am living an opposite of last year. Last year, I did so many things to do, that I had no time for all the other things I wanted and I lived in a constant state of worry about not getting things done and not doing what I truly wanted. Now, all I have is time and virtually nothing school-related to worry about. So why am I not doing all those things I wanted? I have letters to write, letters I WANT to write and I've done two of about twenty. I want to write songs, but the only time I do anything music related is when I sing to myself at school. I have such big plans, so what's keeping them from me?
I feel like everyone's gone, but I know that's not true. I bug Anna daily, but unfortunately has a life of her own, I haven't talked to Sam since before school started, Ellery is still right here and yet I still feel like I'm failing at seeing her, there's lots of people at Clark, but I don't hang out with anyone, all the other people I can think of seem so far away living their seperate lives. I try and connect, but God I have terrible followthrough which is ridiculous when I feel like these things are so important. I haven't sent a single package and I've only sent one letter. And yet, I want to fix everyones problems, but I can't and I want to atleast be there for everyone and I'm not. I feel crazy, like I worry more than the rest of the world, but maybe I'm just weird because I can't keep it to myself. I've decided the twins aren't perfect, but still better. I don't know when I got so whiney, but sadly it's a true representation of my thoughts. I wish I could stop degrading everything I say by apologizing or belittling, but I'm not sure I'm capable of anything else.
I felt so at ease at VSAA and I miss it. I worried, but it seemed less troubling. For all I know, that could just be that I didn't have the time to obsess. WHY does EVERYTHING go back to the Art school? It does seem like it sometimes. It's weird to think I was there from eleven to eighteen. I feel like art schoolers are a breed I shall find no where else even though I desperately search. I also feel like people should just know that I'm an artschooler, which should prepare them or exactly who I am. But instead, I think I just sound like I'll never move on from highschool.
I feel so lame. that's really what I'm saying about everything. What's holding me back? This is my life and what do I do with it? I half assedly count my blessings while I hover over every fear and worry. No matter what I sound like, I'M FINE. How can I worry about useless shit when I'm healthy and all of my problems can be fixed by me? Being around alot of illness that has so little to do with its victim, I know I need to grow up and figure it out. Rob is really tired. Physically and mentally and in a weird way, I want to get over myself and live for him. It's getting harder to stay positive for both of us, but I will do my best. I need to stop using the bad as an excuse to be bitter. I am becoming more okay with people not fully understanding how I work. My grandfather Jack is also quite sick and won't live much longer and he still thinks I play chess like I did in elementary school. I'm going to re-learn how to play chess so I can play against him. If anyone plays chess and would like to play against a lonely chess grandmaster, let me know.
Small things bless my life and that's what I want to focus on. I am making a resolution to continue the good. I will write my letters, I will finish my jewelry, I'll even try to go back to sewing. I will make excellent use of the times I do have and I will create art in whatever circumstance needed. I will lead the life I want, seeing as I know the only thing truly in my way is me.