(no subject)
so today, i look up, and theres the senior in the window of my classroom with his best friend, opening the door. unnaturally, my heart starts beating faster, i start shaking. for no reason. i havnt talked to this boy in maybe a month, 3 weeks maybe? he had dropped off the face of the earth for all i knew. or "cared". and all on account of that he cant get over whatever has happened before, and it restricts him from gettin involved with girls the way he wants to, and hes leaving anyways so why doesnt he just push me away completely. naturally, like i am, i just never called him, acted like nothing happened. everytime after that shit i was just like hey whatever, all still smiling and shit with him the same. cus thats just how i am. so he comes in, and me and him are like heyy how ya doin, i told him i missed him and that if he even cared for me and shit. and he shrugged his shoulders, and before he even had words coem out his mouth i was like.. thinkin o god. then hes like, i always care for my friends. and im like oo i thought you were gon say you didnt, that like broke my heart right there, and hes like mines been broken. and walked away. then i dunno we talked a bit more, sayin nothing and then he left a bit later. so then samon and this kid brandon were makin fun of them sayin how the senior's best friend walks like hes in a beauty pageant, and its so funny, cus its absolutly true, so i couldnt stop laughin and it made me feel better. so me and samon start walkin to our next class, and i look at her and shes like dont even talk to me, im so upset with you right now, and im like wtf so she then goes on to say that i was presenting myself all different and that i was throwin myself at him and thats not the case at all i just acted the same as i did before he stopped talkin to me cus of whatever, cus thats not me at all im not like that whatsoever to show my true feelings to the person who hurts me thats not me cus im too strongheaded for that and stubborn too and she knows that so then shes like why do you do that? you act the same just so they wont know how they really made you feel i was like give me an example shes like ok, alan, (my military ball date). even after you knew his true feelings and intentions, you still went to military ball with him as your date cus you didnt wanna act different and make him think something, not only did you not change but youve done that all the time, and with this kid too, you act the same even though it kills you that he wont even act like he cares for you anymore cus of somethin goin on wit him. shes like yanno if you expressed yourself to them and not just to me, youd feel 10 times more relieved. its cool that your lettin it out, but its not relievin you, your just hurtin yourself more by not actin like your hurt, she said that i was stubborn and i needed to start helpin myself out and being there for me instead of pretending like im fine for everyone else and honestly, this is the onyl person in my life who can always and will always figure me out besides bean and hooch, and i wont have to say a word, shell just know and all that is exactly the truth after she said all that, i put my books down where we were sittin and i was like ill be back, cus i was tearin up cus im honestly so hurt by everythin thats gone on, and shes like where you goin, i was like i dunno, ill just be back. and she knows me and knows if i dont say come with me, to not evne come with me, and im just so upset with this right now i cant understand absoluty anything anymore. im just scared that if i told that person how much im hurt by them, itd make me look weak and sprung and bleh im not a lilltle love sick puppy never that i guess im just tired of not being good enough, and being unwanted i dont understand whats so bad bout me that makes every boy deeply hurt me or just throw me away, i feel so helpless its scary and im like ridiculously independent, so for me to feel like attatched or needy is not me at all, and thats not the case either. i dunno.. i guess samon figuring me out kills me. and after all this, im like, samon i absolutly hate you, and shes like why, im like cus you bring up shit and make me think bout shit i honestly want nothing to do with. my heads gonna be a mess now.. its bullshit. im quality right? why will i never feel that way.