(no subject)
summers here.. has been for like a week. and i cant say that i dont enjoy going to work instead of school. cus honestly i seriously do. and i cant say that i dont enjoy sleeping instead of running all night and never sleeping. cus i do. the only thing thats gettin to me is dance isnt here. and when dance does come. ill be in the bahamas. i really feel detatched, like i have no place to go for comfort. dance is the only thing in my life that saves me from everything, lets me express my emotions without be taunted by another, without being embarrassed, which is something im so afraid of. i dunno until then, i guess ill make working out and work my life. cus not only do i need to become a better dancer.. but i need to become skinnier. i dunno. and i need to make alot of decisions. like whether or not im gonna be able to pursue dance the way i want to.the bursistis isnt helping much with that at all. im not an amazing dancer.. i can perform, i can perform damn well. but my technique is so so. im really scared that i wont even to be able to major in dance.. that would break my heart. so then i thought maybe ill just stick around here and teach at studios. which i wanna be a dance teacher. but then ithought.. will anyone even hire me. the studio im at now, ive built an incredible basis with. ive assistant taught for years.. damn more than i can even count, and ive worked as a desk personel. all those girls know me, they all will come to me with their problems. they all look up to me as a big sister, and thats relationships you cant just establish, its relatoonshiops you should not let go, cus who knows if theyll find that in any other teacher in their life? yanno? i dunno i feel obligated to some of those students, i dont wanna leave them after next year. i got one year to get it right. becoem good enough to major in dance, and if i feel im not up to speed.. who knows. for my goodbye, im gonna choreograph my solo, show everyone what i can do. maybe i should talk to the owner like in a couple months before i start applying to colleges to see if maybe shell hire me.. i dunno. thats kinda forward. and like i dunno.. thats like rude. right? do i even wanna go to college? i kinda decided with my father, that if i got hired round here. i could teach and then commute and go to umass amherst for school, double major in business and dance. ahhhh decisions.. i dunno. im just so scared. im a senior.. im really growin up.. i cant stop it either. wow. scares the fuck outta me.
on another note.. im doing good with the antisocialness that like happens in the summer.. i usually just will have summer hit, and i wont talk to anyone, cus i wont call. but i have a car, so its easy to just be like "hey im near your house, are you home" which is exactly what me and samon did for indira last night. its good for me cus i dont wanna lose these friends. i love them dearly, and theyve supported me and ive supported them, i feel like ive finally found friends that i actually needed in my life. and i dont wanna lose that. friends i feel completely comfortable with. regardless the couple people i got outside school, i can count on. but the people inside school, ive like switched crews every year since freshman. and this one has been there through the worst year of my life. through the boy troubles.. when the boys made me feel as if im nothing, and im not worth shit. which i still cant get out of my head.. my crew was there through the hard times of this year.. me not sleeping cus of shit i needed to get done, they supported me, and helped me. they called me when they knew i would need someone. i dont think ive ever found a group of friends where we were all tied at the waist. i really dont wanna lose them. specially for my senior year. i need that support system. i love those 4 as if they was my own sisters. i dunno.
i have alot of sorting out to do.
on another note.. im doing good with the antisocialness that like happens in the summer.. i usually just will have summer hit, and i wont talk to anyone, cus i wont call. but i have a car, so its easy to just be like "hey im near your house, are you home" which is exactly what me and samon did for indira last night. its good for me cus i dont wanna lose these friends. i love them dearly, and theyve supported me and ive supported them, i feel like ive finally found friends that i actually needed in my life. and i dont wanna lose that. friends i feel completely comfortable with. regardless the couple people i got outside school, i can count on. but the people inside school, ive like switched crews every year since freshman. and this one has been there through the worst year of my life. through the boy troubles.. when the boys made me feel as if im nothing, and im not worth shit. which i still cant get out of my head.. my crew was there through the hard times of this year.. me not sleeping cus of shit i needed to get done, they supported me, and helped me. they called me when they knew i would need someone. i dont think ive ever found a group of friends where we were all tied at the waist. i really dont wanna lose them. specially for my senior year. i need that support system. i love those 4 as if they was my own sisters. i dunno.
i have alot of sorting out to do.