still working.
I am still working and thinking about body and life. I haven't been coming here as frequently.
I think I wrote about my amazing class in expressive therapies that I took in June. It really opened my eyes to the potential of the arts to heal your body.
I know it's important to live the questions, not the answers. Today I found myself in the shower, stuck on memories and trying to bury them. In fact, I probably wrote about some of them in this journal several years ago.
I started to realize that I think there was just a full year of my life that was long, drawn-out, traumatic episodes. It sounds dramatic, but I have some deep-rooted hurt that it is still hard for me to face. I think back on some of the events, and I shudder and instantly use distraction techniques to try to forget. I feel incredibly shameful and embarrassed.
I have realized that is a common theme for me--to feel guilt and shame for my past, even if I haven't done anything. I dwell on mistakes that I made in my life, and I hide from them. For example, I threw away a journal from middle school because I was so embarrassed of it. I will probably never go to my high school or college reunions because I'm very afraid that people will see me and laugh.
But I know this is rather unwarranted. There are a few people, particularly from college, that may have reacted this way and I have cut off contact from them. But I know that my fears are more of facing my own past, and by reuniting with the environment, I know that it will come up.
Back to the idea of "living the questions". It hurts to live the questions. It hurts for me to think in depth about events and just ask why they bother me. It's incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like I can't accomplish anything, that I'm just dwelling and not moving forward. I'm not moving away, I'm stuck.
I know however that my body releases this pain and discomfort somatically. It tells me to release it and be proud of my life. I'm moving in that direction, but days like today, when I'm just haunted...it leaves me with nothing but frustration.
I'm trying to learn to cherish hurt, pain, frustration as emotions in life that I am fortunate to feel. It has created my character. It has made me real. It has opened my eyes to empathy and love.
I think I wrote about my amazing class in expressive therapies that I took in June. It really opened my eyes to the potential of the arts to heal your body.
I know it's important to live the questions, not the answers. Today I found myself in the shower, stuck on memories and trying to bury them. In fact, I probably wrote about some of them in this journal several years ago.
I started to realize that I think there was just a full year of my life that was long, drawn-out, traumatic episodes. It sounds dramatic, but I have some deep-rooted hurt that it is still hard for me to face. I think back on some of the events, and I shudder and instantly use distraction techniques to try to forget. I feel incredibly shameful and embarrassed.
I have realized that is a common theme for me--to feel guilt and shame for my past, even if I haven't done anything. I dwell on mistakes that I made in my life, and I hide from them. For example, I threw away a journal from middle school because I was so embarrassed of it. I will probably never go to my high school or college reunions because I'm very afraid that people will see me and laugh.
But I know this is rather unwarranted. There are a few people, particularly from college, that may have reacted this way and I have cut off contact from them. But I know that my fears are more of facing my own past, and by reuniting with the environment, I know that it will come up.
Back to the idea of "living the questions". It hurts to live the questions. It hurts for me to think in depth about events and just ask why they bother me. It's incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like I can't accomplish anything, that I'm just dwelling and not moving forward. I'm not moving away, I'm stuck.
I know however that my body releases this pain and discomfort somatically. It tells me to release it and be proud of my life. I'm moving in that direction, but days like today, when I'm just haunted...it leaves me with nothing but frustration.
I'm trying to learn to cherish hurt, pain, frustration as emotions in life that I am fortunate to feel. It has created my character. It has made me real. It has opened my eyes to empathy and love.