(no subject)
The first day of school was pretty much exactly what I expected.
So, all summer I was upset because I felt like NONAMEDROPPING didn't make time for me, which I talked to her about. Except I really didn't feel like it changed. Because she never called me or anything. And it was kind of like... someone dying... for me. It was so terrible. And I cried about it. And I pretended not to care about it. And I tried to act like everything was fine. But it wasn't. And then my goal for school was to ignore this person, and let them come to me if they cared. And then, you know what I realized? I don't want to. I care too much to know. If NONAMEDROPPING didn't make the effort and come to be, I'd be even more a wreck. Why did I have to play that game with myself? So instead, I'm just trying really really really hard to make things okay again. Because for me, it's too valuable to let go of. I am not going to let go of it, I am going to fight like hell.
NONAMEDROPPING will prbly figure out that this is about her. If she does, I really mean no offense, I'm just typing as my brain works it out.
I'm going over Zach's after dinner to watch a movie. I know I say this a lot, but I don't know what I would do without him. He's always there for me, even when he doesn't know he's being there for me, and I appreciate it so so much. I know I can count on him at the end of a long day to sit around and watch a movie with me, or make me laugh like crazy, or eat icecream with me... or anything. It's amazing.
Did you ever notice life is one hufe popularity contest? And everyone (almost) buys into it. I do. Example - facebook. Everyone wants to be the top in compare people and the bottom in no mercy. topfriends. everyone wants to be in the top, and if they move down even one spot, many take it terribly. and school. everyone is pressurized to be the best, to get into the best colleges... but wh? Some people do fine without college. Some people go to middlesex and do just as well as people who go to, say brown. so why do we all try to be the prettiest, the skinniest, the best, the top? I know I can't help it. As much as I'd love to say "i don't care", I do. So do most people. WHY do we do it to ourselves? really, we do it to ourselves. I guess I have an answer... but at the same time, the whole concept makes no sense.