it feels like this alien fire is sweeping through me. it alters my moods and inward existence. and i wake each day and drive. and it seems like every morning i'm praying for the car beside me to ram right into me so i won't have to face the rest of the day.
every day is a day where they say they understand, but in their eyes you see indifference. they twist in an attempt to relate. apparently they've been where you are standing, and they know how to deal with such feelings. but they can't. only you know how the fire burns inside, eating away parts of you. it's terrifying to wake up not knowing yourself; to wake up empty. to sit inside yourself and watch as you interact with others. watching yourself, you see that you aren't genuine. one person notices. one. and it doesn't matter if you want to share this with them or not because you can't explain what's going on inside you. this alien fire.
it isn't fair to change me, i just became comfortable again. and now i'm all burns and knots and loose ends. raw. naked. i feel like everyone can see inside me. they must know i'm acting. they must know something's wrong here.
but they don't. and all these damn loose ends and knots are trying to find themselves. and i don't want to think about them because it's everything bad in my life that i just want to forget. these thoughts of justin and natalie (my natalie) and jason are the reasons i pray for that car to crash. i can't face them, they have no end.
i miss natalie so much. i can't express why, i don't even understand it. she stood me up. she made bad choices. but she took care of me regardless. she was always positive toward me. you know when you see two girls in the mall linking arms and wearing similar clothes? and they're laughing about something but they haven't even shared words yet? the two girls who are completely comfortable with each other, who walk into each other's house to find another home. i had this in natalie. i had all that. God i miss her. i miss her family. i haven't really spoken to lacey since summer. i don't see john ever. and i rarely talk to kathi. she was my second mom. and i don't even know how natalie's doing. she's got a boyfriend that i didn't originally like. i know because i stalk her myspace page. he's there. he took my spot.
and her. ashley. she replaced me. she's better than me. she believes more in natalie. she accepts things, she doesn't push her in the right direction, she lets her do what she wants. which isn't good. what if she's had sex? what if derick got her into drugs? she's 18. he's 24. what if she's always at his house and drinking and doing things because i'm not there to talk her out of it? she has a heart and a conscience but her mind is so set on this one thing.
i want to tell her these things. i've come so close to walking u pto her house, walking through the door, and making her hear me out. but i chicken out. she'll have a defense for all this if i remember to make all these points. which i wont. i'll walk in, say i miss you, and burst into tears. she'll throw me out.
i think about her every day. not once in a while. every single day, at least four or five times. and every time she pops into my head, i whisper that i miss her, willing the words to reach her by some magic force. i have dificulty listening to certain songs i know she would like. songs she probably hasn't heard, but i think she will like them. that's crazy. and then i see the car hit mine, and i silently hate myself.
thank you for reading
every day is a day where they say they understand, but in their eyes you see indifference. they twist in an attempt to relate. apparently they've been where you are standing, and they know how to deal with such feelings. but they can't. only you know how the fire burns inside, eating away parts of you. it's terrifying to wake up not knowing yourself; to wake up empty. to sit inside yourself and watch as you interact with others. watching yourself, you see that you aren't genuine. one person notices. one. and it doesn't matter if you want to share this with them or not because you can't explain what's going on inside you. this alien fire.
it isn't fair to change me, i just became comfortable again. and now i'm all burns and knots and loose ends. raw. naked. i feel like everyone can see inside me. they must know i'm acting. they must know something's wrong here.
but they don't. and all these damn loose ends and knots are trying to find themselves. and i don't want to think about them because it's everything bad in my life that i just want to forget. these thoughts of justin and natalie (my natalie) and jason are the reasons i pray for that car to crash. i can't face them, they have no end.
i miss natalie so much. i can't express why, i don't even understand it. she stood me up. she made bad choices. but she took care of me regardless. she was always positive toward me. you know when you see two girls in the mall linking arms and wearing similar clothes? and they're laughing about something but they haven't even shared words yet? the two girls who are completely comfortable with each other, who walk into each other's house to find another home. i had this in natalie. i had all that. God i miss her. i miss her family. i haven't really spoken to lacey since summer. i don't see john ever. and i rarely talk to kathi. she was my second mom. and i don't even know how natalie's doing. she's got a boyfriend that i didn't originally like. i know because i stalk her myspace page. he's there. he took my spot.
and her. ashley. she replaced me. she's better than me. she believes more in natalie. she accepts things, she doesn't push her in the right direction, she lets her do what she wants. which isn't good. what if she's had sex? what if derick got her into drugs? she's 18. he's 24. what if she's always at his house and drinking and doing things because i'm not there to talk her out of it? she has a heart and a conscience but her mind is so set on this one thing.
i want to tell her these things. i've come so close to walking u pto her house, walking through the door, and making her hear me out. but i chicken out. she'll have a defense for all this if i remember to make all these points. which i wont. i'll walk in, say i miss you, and burst into tears. she'll throw me out.
i think about her every day. not once in a while. every single day, at least four or five times. and every time she pops into my head, i whisper that i miss her, willing the words to reach her by some magic force. i have dificulty listening to certain songs i know she would like. songs she probably hasn't heard, but i think she will like them. that's crazy. and then i see the car hit mine, and i silently hate myself.
thank you for reading