"i dont wanna waste your time..."
ok well i havent written in here in forever... i dont know where to begin, its not that much has happened, just that i have realized so much. and me thinking to much isnt good. i think of random things and like go crazy. i basically cannot stop thinking about 3 things in my life... one would be college/ how i am not going to get in, SUMMMER, uncle dan...
im sure you all really want to hear about this, my depressing life that isnt depressing only i try and look for the miserable points. really my life is amazing and i shoudnt complain this much. i swear there is something wrong with me. i am not this sad all the time... truthfully i am not. i mean summer i dont think i ever am like trully sad, more like annoyed at my parents... i mean the running away and stuff is more mad and i get upset but over little things like not doing well in swimming. i dont know why i care so much about swimming. i dont swim winter. i shouldnt give a shit i should be happy that i do as well as i do without practicing, but when it comes to swimming i feel like i have to be better then anything i get. well that goes for anything but school. with gymnastics i also feel like i need to always fix something that it can always be better, even if i dont practice, i dont blame it on me not practicing but mroe on me and i shouldnt do it... i get mad and in wierd moods. if i want to do well i have ot practice, yet i feel like if i practice people will expect so much more out of me. i mean what if i practice and nothing changes, i just feel like i wasted my time., or i am an even bigger failure, but that is a crap reason, i mean what if i do better? my dreams will come true. but then again there is always a bigger dream after your original dream, you will never be satisfied. ok i really dont know what i am talking about. idont know how to explain it basically i was thiking about next year. i HATE running like mad. i dont get adrenolen rushes like i do for gymnastics and swimming, i am not good at it. i love XC though, actually i really dont. but i do. like i love everyone on it but i really hate running like with a mad passion. i cant imagine not doing XC but it makes SO much more sense not to. i have a feeling that i should swim next winter, like it is going to be my year. i dont know why just something is telling me to do this. only i dont know where. RMSC like i dont know it doesnt seem right for me, and i dunno about aquahoyas, i mean i never really seen there practicing but i dunno, i hate swimming practicing but i feel like if i do swim i can feel better about myself and will get better. ugh why do i care SO much?!?!?! last week luis came to our meet, i geuss that got me. like he came and was still coaching me, he is an amazing coach and somehow when he was there he made me change my mind about not liking swimming. DUDE i love it. i really dont like practicing but i can learn to like it. like the feeling you get before you go up to the blocks is je nais se quoi... way to use my voacab words... but like standing there ready to dive in i just get this feeling like i dunno. the voice of the person saying take your marks, and the beep, wow i sound like an idot but seriously. WOW i love swimming and i just realized it, it took me this long. but then ther is gymnastics, i love that too. its just so exciting, the sound of the music and then smell of the chalk, hairspray and sweat... ahhhhh hahaha wow i am on crack... ok imdone with my sports dilemas that are always here... please leave advice on what to do... i really dont know.
wow that wasnt even on my list of what to talk about. o well. dude i am not going to get into college... i hate school i really cannot handle it i have been trying really hard but i am not doing any better. i am such an idiot i need like someone else to live my life. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ok well on to what has happened this week... i am 16. the bitter and sweet birthday that everyone looks forward to. i must say that i have amazing friends, the beach was SO FUN!! i love those kids, you could put me in the middle of no where with them and i would still have fun. i was talking to my mom about what will happen when we graduate, will we still be friends? i geuss thats my biggest fear is not talking with these people everyday... my mom said that we will most likely stay frinds b/c she said she hasnt seen a bunch of people that close. that made me feel good. i mean i have known you guys forever and i cant even imagince not talking to you or seeing you when we go away to college. i have a feeling that we will alway be friends but i feel like i cannot be certain, all i know id that i will never ever have as good of friends as you guys!! so many good times that make me laugh!! ok im done i graduate in 2 years not now, thank god. I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL SUMMER 92 days!!! i would say 92 days let the drama being but it already has so yeah.. TW has to be the biggest soap opera ever. it makes me chuckle hard. hahahaha we are such bad kids only not. lol literally cannot wait!!! i think i might shit my pants!!
i dont know why i cant stop thinking about dan. ok i know why maybe b/c he is my uncle... but i mean its not like i just found out he had cancer. i geuss it got me this week. my cousins new cat was lost over night, my cousins were heart broken, they cried themselves to sleep, and i just realized that if they are this upset about a cat i cant even imagince them if there dad dies... there i said it, i feel like everyone thinks he is going to die. i just dont want to beleive it, it cant happen. UGH! why does such horrible things happen to such great people?!?! seriously i think i deserve to have cancer more than my uncle. he has to be one of the nicest people ever. i hate it, i hate thinking that if i am this sad about it what it is doing to my cousins. my aunt. i hate people being sad it makes me feel sad. i am one of those people where if i see someone crying i start to cry. i dont know why i brought this up cuz i am starting to get teary eyed again and its a snow day i should be happy once again ending this entry with how i started. ia m really lucky and i need to stop over analyzing things and feeling miserable. pheewwwww i dont know know what to say anymore. just live life to its fullest and i leave you with saying, "Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it."
Life is too important to take seriously.
The purpose of life is to fight maturity.
There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.
We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
hehe i am quote obsessive!!
love always burger