(no subject)
Title: Lost
Author:
damn_hero_zoe
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Firefly
Characters: Zoe, Jayne
Word Count: 459
Warning: Post-BDM; This is a little dark in my eyes, but maybe that's just me. Could be my mood, who knows. Hope you enjoy it, though.
Disclaimer: Joss is God and owns the wonderful 'verse that is Firefly/Serenity. And some of the words are from the song "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescene. Everything else, which isn't much, is mine.
Summary: Zoe is feeling lost and Jayne snaps her out of it.
Feel like a body. Nothing more than an empty shell. After so long, is it possible to still fell so lost? I’m frozen inside without your touch, without your love. Darling, only you are the life among the dead. I’ll never be the same. I can’t be the same without you.
He saw her up on the catwalk, looking lost, looking completely un-Zoë. He wanted to help her. She sighed and closed her eyes, gripping the railing tightly. Jayne was worried about her. He couldn’t help not worrying about Zoë, not when she was like this. And she was always so distracted on job. But what could he do? He wasn’t Wash.
Now that I know what I’m without, you can’t just leave me here. Please, God, don’t leave me here alone. Save me from the darkness that threatens my soul. I can’t breathe. God, please, save me.
She looked like she was going to cry or jump and Jayne ran up the stairs to the catwalk faster than lightning. His arms were tight around her and she froze, shaking in his grip. She looked at him and his eyes bore into her own, as if they could see deep inside her.
How can you see into my eyes, like open doors leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb? How is it possible, Jayne? I just don’t understand.
He held her and moved her away from the railing, pulling them both to sit on the grating. She leaned against him and he petted her hair. Silent tears spilt down her cheeks. She felt so helpless, so dead. “I feel like I’m dead inside.”
I feel like I’m nothing, that I can’t be anything without him. I feel so dark, so helpless. Please, wake me up inside. Call my name and save me from the dark, from the nothing I’ve become. Can I even be saved?
“Yer not dead, Zo’, juss a lil lost is all.” He held her close and rocked her, scared for her, by the fact that she was so broken inside and that she almost didn’t let it out. It had been months and she was still so fragile.
All of this time, I can’t believe I couldn’t see. Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me. I’ve been sleeping a thousand years, it seems, got to open my eyes to what I’ve got here and now. I’ve got to wake up.
She shifted in his arms, calming slowly. “Thank you, Jayne.” She slid her arm around his waist, pulling her body closer, soothed by the feel of him holding her. “Thank you.”
Bring me to life. I’ve been living a lie. There was nothing inside. But now…
Title: Do You Know What Your Sin Is? (3/7)
Author:
damn_hero_zoe with the assistance of the lovely
vigotmanpartsv
Pairing: Zoe/Jayne
Word Count: 4,105
Prompt: Pride
Spoilers: Post-BDM
Zoë had been denying even to herself what she was feeling for Jayne. It wouldn't work out. Or that's what she kept telling herself. She wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of knowing what he made her feel, the way he filled her thoughts... She couldn't.
She ignored the feeling in her gut that told her to tell him, to kiss him, to hold him. She was too proud to admit when she was wrong about someone. And she had been wrong about Jayne. He wasn't the brain-less merc some, well Mal, made him out to be. She had seen him doing little things around the ship, giving Kaylee the last roll, letting Inara pass him in the hallway almost like a gentleman. But even those things couldn't change Zoë’s mind.
She walked into the galley to find a snack. She ended up pulling out a tea bag and a protein bar and set about making herself a cup of tea. While the water was boiling, she leaned against the counter, munching the bar and thinking. Jayne wasn't a bad guy. Not exactly the one Wash would have picked out for her, but somehow she couldn't get him off her mind.
The tea water boiled and she poured the water into the mug too quickly and scalded herself. "Gorramit!" she hissed. She turned on the water and ran her hand under the cool water, hissing again. She needed to stop day dreaming.
Jayne strode into the mess, like a lazy lion looking for his next meal. He headed for the lockers and rummaged around looking for a protein bar or something.
He had spotted Zoë, didn't say anything. Nothing to say. He knew she really didn't care for him and he was still stuck on Miss Kaylee, who was all agog over the Doc. Jayne sighed and grumbled. His face a mask of a frown or a scowl. Something so that people couldn't read his thoughts. He found a few protein bars and snagged them. He sat down abruptly and threw his legs onto the table’s edge, ripping open the bar and eating it, sitting there in a thoughtful haze.
She looked up when she heard his grumble, a sour look on her face, mostly from the pain. He had grabbed a protein bar and sat down, not saying a word to her. She turned off the water and grabbed a towel, wrapping it gently around her injured hand. Thankfully it wasn't her good hand. She took the offending tea and sat at the other end of the table, bad hand resting in her lap. She waited to see if he'd address her. After a brief moment, she decided to speak first.
"Hello to you, too, Jayne." It came off snarky and she felt a little bad, but didn't let it show.
He looked to her slowly, letting her voice sink into his head. ‘God, her lips were so...’ He shook off the thought like a dog shaking off water and really looked at her. “Huh! Hey, Zoë, wha' the hell happened ta yer han'?” He leaned over and removed the towel, looking at the reddish-pink skin. “Ya burn yerself? Let me get ya some burn cream...” He stood stiffly.
She felt a shiver when his hand brushed against her wrist to pull back the towel. She looked up at him, eyes betraying her for a fraction of an instant. She pulled her hand back.
"I just scalded it a little. It's fine." She held it protectively with her other hand, forgetting he'd moved the towel. When her finger touched her sensitive skin, she winced.
“Jesus, Zoë... I juss’…” He put the scowl back on his face. “Fine...” he said, leaning back in his chair and throwing his booted feet back on the table. He went back to happily munching his protein bar.
"Sorry," she murmured quietly. "Just..." ‘Not myself today’, she thought to herself, not that she'd admit that to Jayne. "You were trying to be nice and I snapped at you." She took a deep breath and placed her hand on the table next to her mug, not really looking at him.
“Yea, no worries… won' happen again, I promise!” he said snarkily. ‘Gods, never be nice… ever! It gets you yelled at, snapped at, and other gorram things,’ he thought. “Shoul' go see the doc, coul' get infected,’ he commented blandly to his food.
She had tried to apologize and he snapped at her. She sighed frustratedly. "I will, thank you." She stood and put her mug in the sink, not having touched the tea at all.
“Good, see abou' gettin' summin' ta calm tha' gorram attitude while yer at it!” he sighed back. Lately that is all Zoë did, take risks, mind not on the job, snapping if the air blows wrong in the mess. He shook his head.
She glared at him and headed for the infirmary, too flustered and angry to think of some snappy come back. Simon wasn't around, so she started poking around for some burn salve. She found some and grabbed some gauze too. She knew how to care for a burn. She was confused and upset, too. She put the salve on and tried not to think about what had just happened in the galley.
He stormed after her, angry that she didn't yell back. This is what he was talking about, the non Zoë. “Wey! I was talkin' atchoo!”
She wheeled around to look at him as he approached the infirmary. "Oh really?" she said, turning back to taking care of her hand. "'Cause last time I had a conversation with someone, they weren't SHOUTING AND INSULTING ME!" She was fuming mad at this point.
“Insulting you.. Hell, ain't even started tha'!” He gestured to her hand. “Ain't like ya Zoë, ya been all manner 'a not here, since....” He let the words dies on his lips. She looked up at him as her trailed off, forgetting to finish bandaging her hand. She stepped away from the counter and towards him as he continued his little rant.
“But ya know.. I know ya dun' like me much but when ya put my life in chaos cause ya ain't thinkin' it's a problem. An' its worse when people try ta help ya an' all ya do is act like a spoiled brat! I've taken more bullets then I can coun' lately, why is tha'? Where the hell is yer head? I sure know it ain't on yer shoulders.. an' yer too gorram proud ta take some help or let someone in ta lissen'.” His jaw was set.
Her jaw muscles clenched as she stood in front of him, eyes blazing. "You think I put your life on the line? That I did it on purpose? You're funny, Jayne. Real funny. My head is here, Jayne. Here, thinking about everything, not wanting and not willing to lose someone else."
“Oh Righ' tha's funny Zoë. Dun' think I see things... I ain't talkin' abou’ ya willin' ta lose anyone else.. but yer more willin' ta lose yerself. Its hurtin' everyone else in the process.” He folded his arms over his broad chest.
"You're the only one who seems to be complainin', Jayne. No one else has yelled at me." ‘I feel like I have nothing left and no one is there anymore.’ Her subconscious was screaming for help, trying to push aside her pride to heal. Her pride wouldn't allow it. She clenched her fists, hissing as the skin stretched over her injured hand. She unclenched her hand and shot him a stony glare. She moved back to the bench to fix her hand.
“Ain't no one else WILLIN’ ta complain, Zoë. I'm a hundan, plain as day. I dun' min' speakin' the truth of things.” Ambling over to the bench, he pushed her hands away and began to help her put the cream on it.
Her eyes smoldered but she had nothing to say. She knew he was right. She took too many risks, wanting to forget the pain, the guilt that had been building, more and more since... She couldn’t even finish that thought to herself. She didn't fight his hands.
He snagged the gauze and wrapped her hand. He watched her for a few minutes and noted that distant, cold, far off look in her eye. The place no one could get to her but she needed to be gotten. He shook his head, nothing he said sunk in. “Too gorram proud. Yer bein' a fool!” He turned on his heel and stormed out of the infirmary toward his bunk.
Her? A fool? She followed him. "I'm a fool? When was the last time you let anyone in Jayne? Don't think you have any right to be judging me."
He snorted. “No one wan's ta be 'round or near me, Zoë. I ain't foolin' myself.”
"How do you know? You're too proud to open your own gorram eyes." ‘And see how I feel,’ she thought.
He turned on her. “Too proud! I do open my eyes.. I ain't suai enuff fer some people.. I got my whores, my guns an' my money. I dun' need nuttin' else!” he glared.
"Oh, really?" She glared right back at him, moving closer. "Ain't suai enough for who Jayne? Who you got your eye set on that you're too proud to tell?" Not that she should be talking about that.
“None a yer gorram business, sides, dun' matter none no more...” Then he thought, ‘Not like you even see me unless yer yellin' at me or tellin' me off or what' ta do!’
"If ya ain't gonna tell me, than you shouldn't be yelling at me for keeping to myself." ‘Why are you so proud, Zoë?’ her heart asked. ‘Don't do this to him.’ But she didn't listen. "How will you know what she feels if you don't tell her?"
“Cause I ain't importan' enuff,” he bellowed. “So drop it…”
"Who says you're not important enough, Jayne?" She didn't think that, so why did he?
He snorted and turned on her, heading for his bunk again.
She grabbed his arm. "WAIT a minute. I asked you a question, Jayne." He didn't let her get away before and she wasn't about to let him get away now.
He snagged his arm away. He was thinking about when he got a bolt in the leg by them Reavers, she came screaming down the stairs asking if the Doc was okay. Like he weren’t even there… or how she ran to him. No one asked how he was. Or how now, after a job, she storms in and heads off to the infirmary then to her bunk or straight to her bunk. No matter how many bullets he took for her.
“I heard ya! Dun' mean I gotta answer neither!”
"Why not?" She wasn't letting this go. She was stubborn like that sometimes.
“Cause ya can' go orderin' a man's feelin's ‘bout like they’re a piece of steak! ‘Sides, ya always get wha' ya wan'?”
"I wasn't ordering, I was..." She sighed. "No, I don't." She dropped it and turned toward her bunk.
“I dun' get ya, girl!” His arms were crossed, watching her with piercing blue eyes, kicking at his door. “Ya ain't you... you nev'a give up on a figh'!” he snorted.
"You want me to yell at you?" Her heart sank. He had no idea. What was it her mother had always told her? That boys picked on the girls they liked. Well, Zoë used to do it when she was little, before her momma died. She did it with Wash. And now it wasn't working. She hated feeling the way she did.
“No!” he stated flatly. “I wan' tha' fire tha's been missin' back!” He was tempted to slam her up against the wall and shake her or something. The look flashed across his face.
She looked at him, arms crossed. Her eyes flashed at him. "I know I changed after what happened, Jayne. Ain't about to deny that. But I'm still me." Her voice was quiet. 'I'm still a woman, wanting, no, needing to be loved.'
“Righ'!” He shook his head. Nothing he said sunk in. He wasn't denying her need to be loved or not, but if she didn't want to live, she couldn't be around long enough to be loved. “Zoë, juss' go ress' yer hand,” he said with an exasperated sigh. He dropped into his bunk, leaving the door open behind him. He ambled to his bunk, laying down, crossing his feet, hands behind his head, eyes closed.
She stood there for a moment, trying to make sense of what had just happened. He didn't seem to believe her. She climbed down into his bunk, standing just in front of the ladder.
"Sometimes, I'm too proud to ask for help," she whispered.
He tensed and then turned his head toward the ladder, not expecting her to have followed him. “Yea? Who ain't!” he stated softly.
"I'm sorry." She didn't want to fight with him. She wanted to kiss him.
“Fer wha'? Why ya sorry, Zoë?”
She moved into the room, standing next to the bed now. She looked him in the eye. "For yelling at you, for putting you in danger, for shutting you out." ‘For everything I've done and everything I havn't.’
He sat up fast cause he thought she would hit him or something the way she snuck up on him on the bed, looking at her as she spoke, eyes a bit wide. “Um, All righ'... um... thanks.” He cleared his throat. “We good...” He stood up and going to wash his face.
'Just tell him, Zoë.' "No, there's something else I'm sorry for Jayne." He clenched his hands on the sink and looked at her through his small, cracked mirror, water dripping off his face onto his shirt.
“Ya said yer peace, Zoë, we fine....”
She couldn't hide the sadness in her eyes. "Fine." She turned to leave before she embarrassed herself anymore than she already had.
"I'm sorry I pushed you so far away you'd never see how I feel." She said it softly as she started up the ladder, probably unheard by him.
“Wha'? Ya mumblin' ta yerself when I know ya tryin' ta tell me summin'!” Frankly, he was afraid to hear what she had to say.
She paused and looked at him through the rungs. "It doesn't matter, Jayne." ‘Not when you can't feel the same way because you're pining over someone else.’ "Just know I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. Won't happen again."
He grumbled and sighed. “Fine…” He nodded. “Good ta know.. close the door on yer way out.” He looked sad but resigned, flopping on his bunk.
"What the hell has gotten into you, Jayne?" She couldn't help asking.
“Wha'? Wha' now?” He sat up and looked at her, face a grimace. “Wha' the hell?”
She dropped off the ladder. "I don't understand you, Jayne." ‘And I so desperately want to.’ "I came down here to apologize. So what's the problem?"
“I said we was fine...” He looked scandalized. He gave her a look that said, ‘Just go away, woman.’ What did she want? Why is she tormenting him all of a sudden? He was nothing to her, so now why was he in her radar?
She saw the look in his eyes, the one that told her to go away. But she was too stubborn to listen.
"I'm sorry, Jayne, sorry I've been pushing everyone away, especially for pushing you away." Something betrayed her feelings for him in her voice and she couldn't hide it.
He swallowed thickly and just looked at her, nodding. “Ooohhh Kay... it's all good, Zoë,” he said slightly shaky.
It was too much for her, to have him not react. She said nothing and climbed up as fast as her injured hand could allow her. She didn't head for her bunk, but instead to the bridge, quiet with no one on it. She sat in the co-pilot's chair and looked at the stars, attempting to find solace somewhere.
He stood up and paced his bunk, tetchy now, crawling around like a caged cat. “MADE!” he bellowed. What the fuck did she want from him?
Twenty minutes passed when he went up the stairs and looked around, spying her on the bridge. He grabbed her roughly and turned her to look at him. “Yer MAKIN' ME crazy!”
She looked at him, startled from her thoughts. "I'm sorry, Jayne." ‘You make me crazy, too.’ She paused for a moment, unsure of herself.
"I like you, Jayne. Don't mean to make you crazy or push you away. Know you don't feel the same, so I'm sorry and I won't bring it up again. Okay?" She pulled herself from his grasp and sat down again.
“Who said?” he asked, pointedly looking at her, leaning against the co-pilot’s chair.
She didn't expect him to still be there. "Who said what?" She looked up at him.
“Who said I didn' feel the same gorram way?”
"Anyone can see plain as day how you feel about Kaylee."
He bristled. ‘Then she ain't had her gorram eyes open.’ “She ain't thinkin' I am suai enuff, tol' ya tha'.. I dun' deal in loss causes.”
"She's a fool," she muttered, looking out into the black again.
“Nah, she ain't… she's happy...we only get it once iffen we lucky. Sides, I am a bitter, ole hundan.. too tarnished fer our Miss Kaylee. She also ain’t the only woman in the verse.”
Zoë closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the chair. "I don't think you're tarnished, Jayne."
“Huh, then who ya been workin' wit ' all these years then?”
"Then if you're tarnished, then what does that make me?"
“Someone gotta be perfec' might as well be you!”
She laughed. "I'm not perfect. You proved that before, laying out all my faults like you did."
“Dun' mean ya ain't perfec'... juss' kinda bruised....all in perspective.” He looked to her, eyes boring into her.
She looked up at him, not the warrior he was used to. The woman sat before him, completely unsure of herself, no longer too proud. She was bare to him. "You really think that?" How could anyone think that?
“Ain't one to say summin' I dun' mean!”
She smiled softly. "Thank you, Jayne."
“Heh, ain't no need ta thank wha' is truthsome... But um… yea, yer welcome.”
She stood up. "Still..." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "After the way I treated you before, you deserve to be thanked."
He blushed and sidestepped her. “Well, it's fine…” nodding his head curtly. “I, um, shoul' go take tha' nap.”
She looked at him, smiling. "Didn't know you blush, Jayne."
“I dun' blush," he said vehemently.
She laughed. "Then why are your cheeks pink?"
He looked around for a good cover. He couldn’t find one, so he made one up. “Cause it's gorram hot on this bridge… all them things workin'… throws off heat!”
She laughed again. "Sure. Well, if that's the case, then why aren’t my cheeks pink?"
“Cause yer skin's a darker shade than mine... an'... an' it's dar' in here... I'm sure they are! Us white boys... heat shows easily on us…”
She did her best to hide her laughter. "They're not pink, Jayne." She took his hand and held it to her cheek. "See, no warmer than usual."
He brushed his thumb over her cheek and then quickly pulled his hand away. “Yea, they feel, um fine…” he said, nodding.
She bit her lip to keep from laughing. "Am I making you nervous?"
“NO! Wha' the hell make ya say summin' like tha'!” He looked scandalized again.
"Oh, nothing," she teased. "You just seemed nervous." She stepped closer. "Don't want you to be nervous." She looked up at him from beneath her thick lashes, suddenly feeling very flirtatious.
He balked, cheeks going redder. “Zoë, did tha' protein bar have summin' in it I shoul' know 'bout?”
"Don't think so. Why?" She smiled to see him redden more.
“Cause yer actin' all manner 'a ...flirty! ya ain't flirty...”
"How would you know?"
“Well, ain't tha' the poin'..ya dun' flirt wit' me... ya dun' even like me!” he said, trying to find somewhere to back up to.
He was backing right up into the co-pilot console, but Zoë didn't move. "Didn't I just tell you that I do like you?" So he hadn't even been paying attention to her.
But he had, the evidence was evident, thus why he was backing up. “I leff' Vera out on the table.. an' lil crazy migh' try an play wit' her,” he was stumbling over his words and himself.
"River knows better. Why are you avoiding the question, Jayne?"
“Well, I figger ya like me enuff all these years ta not let me get killed...”
"No one's gonna kill you, Jayne. You're not forcing me to do anything."
“Dun' matter... yer Mal's firs' mate.. an', well, I ain't nuttin' but the hired muscle.”
"To him, maybe. You mean more to me, Jayne." She stood in front of him again, all flirtatiousness gone now, her expression serious. His mouth worked like a fish out of water. She leaned up and kissed him, softly, gently. He blinked.
“Zoë?” he whispered hoarsely. “Do ya know wha' yer doin'?”
"Yes, I do, Jayne. I'm kissing you." She leaned up and kissed him again, hand at the back of his neck.
“Why?” he whispered, forgetting himself and his predicament for a moment to kiss her back, goatee grazing her chin, teeth grazing her tongue.
"Because, Jayne." She pulled her lips back from his. "Because I've been wanting to for a little while now." Her eyes looked into his deep blue ones.
“Fer wha'?” He looked at her puzzled.
"You're a good man, whether you believe it or not. I see you taking care of everyone, trying to do it quietly. I just fell for you, in the purest way possible." ‘The way I fell for Wash.’ "You didn't want everyone to know. But I know and that's part of why I care for you so much."
“Zoë, I ain't sure.. I mean...Mal will kill me…”
"Have to get through me first."
“Well, hell I dun' need protectin'.. Juss'...ya know. I can handle myself...”
"I know that. I'm just not gonna let him do anything to you. He threatened Wash, too, you know. Wasn't anything more than talk."
“Yea, well,” he mumbled, rubbing his forehead fiercely suddenly. “I dun' think it's all talk!”
"Is Mal the only thing holding you back?" she asked quietly.
He cleared his throat. He wasn’t used to this thing called intimacy unless he was paying. How do you act or respond without coming off as an ass? “I dun' know wha' ta... ya know.. how to…”
"It's not hard." She placed her hand over his heart. "Just gotta listen to this." She tapped his chest.
Wasn't hard for her, maybe. He moved from her hand like she burned him but it was more just he was so unused to all this. “Zoë, I mean.. come on... I... I juss' dun' make no gorram sense.. yer better 'en me...”
Her hand dropped to her side. "If I really believed that, Jayne, I wouldn't feel the way I do." She took a deep breath and smiled at him. "Maybe you want some time to think about it."
He nodded and looked at her. “I..I juss' migh'!”
"Alright." She smiled and kissed his cheek softly. "You know where to find me." She turned and headed to her bunk, the softest smile on her face.
“Um yea... yea I do...” He shook his head dumbly as he watched her go.
She climbed down and sat on her bed, pulling off her boots and replaying their kiss in her mind. It made her smile.
He sat there on the bridge, for a long time, looking dumbfounded and unsure of what just happened. “Did Zoë juss' kiss me?”
She took her holster off and lay back on the bed, thinking. She was glad she finally told him. She looked at the bandage he'd placed on her hand and smiled more, remembering his gentle touch, even though he was yelling at her.
He walked stupidly back to his own bunk and dropped down into it, making a lot of noise as he did, he ambled to his bunk and lay down. “Ta ma duh! Wha' a humped day!”
Author:
damn_hero_zoe
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Firefly
Characters: Zoe, Jayne
Word Count: 459
Warning: Post-BDM; This is a little dark in my eyes, but maybe that's just me. Could be my mood, who knows. Hope you enjoy it, though.
Disclaimer: Joss is God and owns the wonderful 'verse that is Firefly/Serenity. And some of the words are from the song "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescene. Everything else, which isn't much, is mine.
Summary: Zoe is feeling lost and Jayne snaps her out of it.
Feel like a body. Nothing more than an empty shell. After so long, is it possible to still fell so lost? I’m frozen inside without your touch, without your love. Darling, only you are the life among the dead. I’ll never be the same. I can’t be the same without you.
He saw her up on the catwalk, looking lost, looking completely un-Zoë. He wanted to help her. She sighed and closed her eyes, gripping the railing tightly. Jayne was worried about her. He couldn’t help not worrying about Zoë, not when she was like this. And she was always so distracted on job. But what could he do? He wasn’t Wash.
Now that I know what I’m without, you can’t just leave me here. Please, God, don’t leave me here alone. Save me from the darkness that threatens my soul. I can’t breathe. God, please, save me.
She looked like she was going to cry or jump and Jayne ran up the stairs to the catwalk faster than lightning. His arms were tight around her and she froze, shaking in his grip. She looked at him and his eyes bore into her own, as if they could see deep inside her.
How can you see into my eyes, like open doors leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb? How is it possible, Jayne? I just don’t understand.
He held her and moved her away from the railing, pulling them both to sit on the grating. She leaned against him and he petted her hair. Silent tears spilt down her cheeks. She felt so helpless, so dead. “I feel like I’m dead inside.”
I feel like I’m nothing, that I can’t be anything without him. I feel so dark, so helpless. Please, wake me up inside. Call my name and save me from the dark, from the nothing I’ve become. Can I even be saved?
“Yer not dead, Zo’, juss a lil lost is all.” He held her close and rocked her, scared for her, by the fact that she was so broken inside and that she almost didn’t let it out. It had been months and she was still so fragile.
All of this time, I can’t believe I couldn’t see. Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me. I’ve been sleeping a thousand years, it seems, got to open my eyes to what I’ve got here and now. I’ve got to wake up.
She shifted in his arms, calming slowly. “Thank you, Jayne.” She slid her arm around his waist, pulling her body closer, soothed by the feel of him holding her. “Thank you.”
Bring me to life. I’ve been living a lie. There was nothing inside. But now…
Title: Do You Know What Your Sin Is? (3/7)
Author:
damn_hero_zoe with the assistance of the lovely
vigotmanpartsv
Pairing: Zoe/Jayne
Word Count: 4,105
Prompt: Pride
Spoilers: Post-BDM
Zoë had been denying even to herself what she was feeling for Jayne. It wouldn't work out. Or that's what she kept telling herself. She wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of knowing what he made her feel, the way he filled her thoughts... She couldn't.
She ignored the feeling in her gut that told her to tell him, to kiss him, to hold him. She was too proud to admit when she was wrong about someone. And she had been wrong about Jayne. He wasn't the brain-less merc some, well Mal, made him out to be. She had seen him doing little things around the ship, giving Kaylee the last roll, letting Inara pass him in the hallway almost like a gentleman. But even those things couldn't change Zoë’s mind.
She walked into the galley to find a snack. She ended up pulling out a tea bag and a protein bar and set about making herself a cup of tea. While the water was boiling, she leaned against the counter, munching the bar and thinking. Jayne wasn't a bad guy. Not exactly the one Wash would have picked out for her, but somehow she couldn't get him off her mind.
The tea water boiled and she poured the water into the mug too quickly and scalded herself. "Gorramit!" she hissed. She turned on the water and ran her hand under the cool water, hissing again. She needed to stop day dreaming.
Jayne strode into the mess, like a lazy lion looking for his next meal. He headed for the lockers and rummaged around looking for a protein bar or something.
He had spotted Zoë, didn't say anything. Nothing to say. He knew she really didn't care for him and he was still stuck on Miss Kaylee, who was all agog over the Doc. Jayne sighed and grumbled. His face a mask of a frown or a scowl. Something so that people couldn't read his thoughts. He found a few protein bars and snagged them. He sat down abruptly and threw his legs onto the table’s edge, ripping open the bar and eating it, sitting there in a thoughtful haze.
She looked up when she heard his grumble, a sour look on her face, mostly from the pain. He had grabbed a protein bar and sat down, not saying a word to her. She turned off the water and grabbed a towel, wrapping it gently around her injured hand. Thankfully it wasn't her good hand. She took the offending tea and sat at the other end of the table, bad hand resting in her lap. She waited to see if he'd address her. After a brief moment, she decided to speak first.
"Hello to you, too, Jayne." It came off snarky and she felt a little bad, but didn't let it show.
He looked to her slowly, letting her voice sink into his head. ‘God, her lips were so...’ He shook off the thought like a dog shaking off water and really looked at her. “Huh! Hey, Zoë, wha' the hell happened ta yer han'?” He leaned over and removed the towel, looking at the reddish-pink skin. “Ya burn yerself? Let me get ya some burn cream...” He stood stiffly.
She felt a shiver when his hand brushed against her wrist to pull back the towel. She looked up at him, eyes betraying her for a fraction of an instant. She pulled her hand back.
"I just scalded it a little. It's fine." She held it protectively with her other hand, forgetting he'd moved the towel. When her finger touched her sensitive skin, she winced.
“Jesus, Zoë... I juss’…” He put the scowl back on his face. “Fine...” he said, leaning back in his chair and throwing his booted feet back on the table. He went back to happily munching his protein bar.
"Sorry," she murmured quietly. "Just..." ‘Not myself today’, she thought to herself, not that she'd admit that to Jayne. "You were trying to be nice and I snapped at you." She took a deep breath and placed her hand on the table next to her mug, not really looking at him.
“Yea, no worries… won' happen again, I promise!” he said snarkily. ‘Gods, never be nice… ever! It gets you yelled at, snapped at, and other gorram things,’ he thought. “Shoul' go see the doc, coul' get infected,’ he commented blandly to his food.
She had tried to apologize and he snapped at her. She sighed frustratedly. "I will, thank you." She stood and put her mug in the sink, not having touched the tea at all.
“Good, see abou' gettin' summin' ta calm tha' gorram attitude while yer at it!” he sighed back. Lately that is all Zoë did, take risks, mind not on the job, snapping if the air blows wrong in the mess. He shook his head.
She glared at him and headed for the infirmary, too flustered and angry to think of some snappy come back. Simon wasn't around, so she started poking around for some burn salve. She found some and grabbed some gauze too. She knew how to care for a burn. She was confused and upset, too. She put the salve on and tried not to think about what had just happened in the galley.
He stormed after her, angry that she didn't yell back. This is what he was talking about, the non Zoë. “Wey! I was talkin' atchoo!”
She wheeled around to look at him as he approached the infirmary. "Oh really?" she said, turning back to taking care of her hand. "'Cause last time I had a conversation with someone, they weren't SHOUTING AND INSULTING ME!" She was fuming mad at this point.
“Insulting you.. Hell, ain't even started tha'!” He gestured to her hand. “Ain't like ya Zoë, ya been all manner 'a not here, since....” He let the words dies on his lips. She looked up at him as her trailed off, forgetting to finish bandaging her hand. She stepped away from the counter and towards him as he continued his little rant.
“But ya know.. I know ya dun' like me much but when ya put my life in chaos cause ya ain't thinkin' it's a problem. An' its worse when people try ta help ya an' all ya do is act like a spoiled brat! I've taken more bullets then I can coun' lately, why is tha'? Where the hell is yer head? I sure know it ain't on yer shoulders.. an' yer too gorram proud ta take some help or let someone in ta lissen'.” His jaw was set.
Her jaw muscles clenched as she stood in front of him, eyes blazing. "You think I put your life on the line? That I did it on purpose? You're funny, Jayne. Real funny. My head is here, Jayne. Here, thinking about everything, not wanting and not willing to lose someone else."
“Oh Righ' tha's funny Zoë. Dun' think I see things... I ain't talkin' abou’ ya willin' ta lose anyone else.. but yer more willin' ta lose yerself. Its hurtin' everyone else in the process.” He folded his arms over his broad chest.
"You're the only one who seems to be complainin', Jayne. No one else has yelled at me." ‘I feel like I have nothing left and no one is there anymore.’ Her subconscious was screaming for help, trying to push aside her pride to heal. Her pride wouldn't allow it. She clenched her fists, hissing as the skin stretched over her injured hand. She unclenched her hand and shot him a stony glare. She moved back to the bench to fix her hand.
“Ain't no one else WILLIN’ ta complain, Zoë. I'm a hundan, plain as day. I dun' min' speakin' the truth of things.” Ambling over to the bench, he pushed her hands away and began to help her put the cream on it.
Her eyes smoldered but she had nothing to say. She knew he was right. She took too many risks, wanting to forget the pain, the guilt that had been building, more and more since... She couldn’t even finish that thought to herself. She didn't fight his hands.
He snagged the gauze and wrapped her hand. He watched her for a few minutes and noted that distant, cold, far off look in her eye. The place no one could get to her but she needed to be gotten. He shook his head, nothing he said sunk in. “Too gorram proud. Yer bein' a fool!” He turned on his heel and stormed out of the infirmary toward his bunk.
Her? A fool? She followed him. "I'm a fool? When was the last time you let anyone in Jayne? Don't think you have any right to be judging me."
He snorted. “No one wan's ta be 'round or near me, Zoë. I ain't foolin' myself.”
"How do you know? You're too proud to open your own gorram eyes." ‘And see how I feel,’ she thought.
He turned on her. “Too proud! I do open my eyes.. I ain't suai enuff fer some people.. I got my whores, my guns an' my money. I dun' need nuttin' else!” he glared.
"Oh, really?" She glared right back at him, moving closer. "Ain't suai enough for who Jayne? Who you got your eye set on that you're too proud to tell?" Not that she should be talking about that.
“None a yer gorram business, sides, dun' matter none no more...” Then he thought, ‘Not like you even see me unless yer yellin' at me or tellin' me off or what' ta do!’
"If ya ain't gonna tell me, than you shouldn't be yelling at me for keeping to myself." ‘Why are you so proud, Zoë?’ her heart asked. ‘Don't do this to him.’ But she didn't listen. "How will you know what she feels if you don't tell her?"
“Cause I ain't importan' enuff,” he bellowed. “So drop it…”
"Who says you're not important enough, Jayne?" She didn't think that, so why did he?
He snorted and turned on her, heading for his bunk again.
She grabbed his arm. "WAIT a minute. I asked you a question, Jayne." He didn't let her get away before and she wasn't about to let him get away now.
He snagged his arm away. He was thinking about when he got a bolt in the leg by them Reavers, she came screaming down the stairs asking if the Doc was okay. Like he weren’t even there… or how she ran to him. No one asked how he was. Or how now, after a job, she storms in and heads off to the infirmary then to her bunk or straight to her bunk. No matter how many bullets he took for her.
“I heard ya! Dun' mean I gotta answer neither!”
"Why not?" She wasn't letting this go. She was stubborn like that sometimes.
“Cause ya can' go orderin' a man's feelin's ‘bout like they’re a piece of steak! ‘Sides, ya always get wha' ya wan'?”
"I wasn't ordering, I was..." She sighed. "No, I don't." She dropped it and turned toward her bunk.
“I dun' get ya, girl!” His arms were crossed, watching her with piercing blue eyes, kicking at his door. “Ya ain't you... you nev'a give up on a figh'!” he snorted.
"You want me to yell at you?" Her heart sank. He had no idea. What was it her mother had always told her? That boys picked on the girls they liked. Well, Zoë used to do it when she was little, before her momma died. She did it with Wash. And now it wasn't working. She hated feeling the way she did.
“No!” he stated flatly. “I wan' tha' fire tha's been missin' back!” He was tempted to slam her up against the wall and shake her or something. The look flashed across his face.
She looked at him, arms crossed. Her eyes flashed at him. "I know I changed after what happened, Jayne. Ain't about to deny that. But I'm still me." Her voice was quiet. 'I'm still a woman, wanting, no, needing to be loved.'
“Righ'!” He shook his head. Nothing he said sunk in. He wasn't denying her need to be loved or not, but if she didn't want to live, she couldn't be around long enough to be loved. “Zoë, juss' go ress' yer hand,” he said with an exasperated sigh. He dropped into his bunk, leaving the door open behind him. He ambled to his bunk, laying down, crossing his feet, hands behind his head, eyes closed.
She stood there for a moment, trying to make sense of what had just happened. He didn't seem to believe her. She climbed down into his bunk, standing just in front of the ladder.
"Sometimes, I'm too proud to ask for help," she whispered.
He tensed and then turned his head toward the ladder, not expecting her to have followed him. “Yea? Who ain't!” he stated softly.
"I'm sorry." She didn't want to fight with him. She wanted to kiss him.
“Fer wha'? Why ya sorry, Zoë?”
She moved into the room, standing next to the bed now. She looked him in the eye. "For yelling at you, for putting you in danger, for shutting you out." ‘For everything I've done and everything I havn't.’
He sat up fast cause he thought she would hit him or something the way she snuck up on him on the bed, looking at her as she spoke, eyes a bit wide. “Um, All righ'... um... thanks.” He cleared his throat. “We good...” He stood up and going to wash his face.
'Just tell him, Zoë.' "No, there's something else I'm sorry for Jayne." He clenched his hands on the sink and looked at her through his small, cracked mirror, water dripping off his face onto his shirt.
“Ya said yer peace, Zoë, we fine....”
She couldn't hide the sadness in her eyes. "Fine." She turned to leave before she embarrassed herself anymore than she already had.
"I'm sorry I pushed you so far away you'd never see how I feel." She said it softly as she started up the ladder, probably unheard by him.
“Wha'? Ya mumblin' ta yerself when I know ya tryin' ta tell me summin'!” Frankly, he was afraid to hear what she had to say.
She paused and looked at him through the rungs. "It doesn't matter, Jayne." ‘Not when you can't feel the same way because you're pining over someone else.’ "Just know I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. Won't happen again."
He grumbled and sighed. “Fine…” He nodded. “Good ta know.. close the door on yer way out.” He looked sad but resigned, flopping on his bunk.
"What the hell has gotten into you, Jayne?" She couldn't help asking.
“Wha'? Wha' now?” He sat up and looked at her, face a grimace. “Wha' the hell?”
She dropped off the ladder. "I don't understand you, Jayne." ‘And I so desperately want to.’ "I came down here to apologize. So what's the problem?"
“I said we was fine...” He looked scandalized. He gave her a look that said, ‘Just go away, woman.’ What did she want? Why is she tormenting him all of a sudden? He was nothing to her, so now why was he in her radar?
She saw the look in his eyes, the one that told her to go away. But she was too stubborn to listen.
"I'm sorry, Jayne, sorry I've been pushing everyone away, especially for pushing you away." Something betrayed her feelings for him in her voice and she couldn't hide it.
He swallowed thickly and just looked at her, nodding. “Ooohhh Kay... it's all good, Zoë,” he said slightly shaky.
It was too much for her, to have him not react. She said nothing and climbed up as fast as her injured hand could allow her. She didn't head for her bunk, but instead to the bridge, quiet with no one on it. She sat in the co-pilot's chair and looked at the stars, attempting to find solace somewhere.
He stood up and paced his bunk, tetchy now, crawling around like a caged cat. “MADE!” he bellowed. What the fuck did she want from him?
Twenty minutes passed when he went up the stairs and looked around, spying her on the bridge. He grabbed her roughly and turned her to look at him. “Yer MAKIN' ME crazy!”
She looked at him, startled from her thoughts. "I'm sorry, Jayne." ‘You make me crazy, too.’ She paused for a moment, unsure of herself.
"I like you, Jayne. Don't mean to make you crazy or push you away. Know you don't feel the same, so I'm sorry and I won't bring it up again. Okay?" She pulled herself from his grasp and sat down again.
“Who said?” he asked, pointedly looking at her, leaning against the co-pilot’s chair.
She didn't expect him to still be there. "Who said what?" She looked up at him.
“Who said I didn' feel the same gorram way?”
"Anyone can see plain as day how you feel about Kaylee."
He bristled. ‘Then she ain't had her gorram eyes open.’ “She ain't thinkin' I am suai enuff, tol' ya tha'.. I dun' deal in loss causes.”
"She's a fool," she muttered, looking out into the black again.
“Nah, she ain't… she's happy...we only get it once iffen we lucky. Sides, I am a bitter, ole hundan.. too tarnished fer our Miss Kaylee. She also ain’t the only woman in the verse.”
Zoë closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the chair. "I don't think you're tarnished, Jayne."
“Huh, then who ya been workin' wit ' all these years then?”
"Then if you're tarnished, then what does that make me?"
“Someone gotta be perfec' might as well be you!”
She laughed. "I'm not perfect. You proved that before, laying out all my faults like you did."
“Dun' mean ya ain't perfec'... juss' kinda bruised....all in perspective.” He looked to her, eyes boring into her.
She looked up at him, not the warrior he was used to. The woman sat before him, completely unsure of herself, no longer too proud. She was bare to him. "You really think that?" How could anyone think that?
“Ain't one to say summin' I dun' mean!”
She smiled softly. "Thank you, Jayne."
“Heh, ain't no need ta thank wha' is truthsome... But um… yea, yer welcome.”
She stood up. "Still..." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "After the way I treated you before, you deserve to be thanked."
He blushed and sidestepped her. “Well, it's fine…” nodding his head curtly. “I, um, shoul' go take tha' nap.”
She looked at him, smiling. "Didn't know you blush, Jayne."
“I dun' blush," he said vehemently.
She laughed. "Then why are your cheeks pink?"
He looked around for a good cover. He couldn’t find one, so he made one up. “Cause it's gorram hot on this bridge… all them things workin'… throws off heat!”
She laughed again. "Sure. Well, if that's the case, then why aren’t my cheeks pink?"
“Cause yer skin's a darker shade than mine... an'... an' it's dar' in here... I'm sure they are! Us white boys... heat shows easily on us…”
She did her best to hide her laughter. "They're not pink, Jayne." She took his hand and held it to her cheek. "See, no warmer than usual."
He brushed his thumb over her cheek and then quickly pulled his hand away. “Yea, they feel, um fine…” he said, nodding.
She bit her lip to keep from laughing. "Am I making you nervous?"
“NO! Wha' the hell make ya say summin' like tha'!” He looked scandalized again.
"Oh, nothing," she teased. "You just seemed nervous." She stepped closer. "Don't want you to be nervous." She looked up at him from beneath her thick lashes, suddenly feeling very flirtatious.
He balked, cheeks going redder. “Zoë, did tha' protein bar have summin' in it I shoul' know 'bout?”
"Don't think so. Why?" She smiled to see him redden more.
“Cause yer actin' all manner 'a ...flirty! ya ain't flirty...”
"How would you know?"
“Well, ain't tha' the poin'..ya dun' flirt wit' me... ya dun' even like me!” he said, trying to find somewhere to back up to.
He was backing right up into the co-pilot console, but Zoë didn't move. "Didn't I just tell you that I do like you?" So he hadn't even been paying attention to her.
But he had, the evidence was evident, thus why he was backing up. “I leff' Vera out on the table.. an' lil crazy migh' try an play wit' her,” he was stumbling over his words and himself.
"River knows better. Why are you avoiding the question, Jayne?"
“Well, I figger ya like me enuff all these years ta not let me get killed...”
"No one's gonna kill you, Jayne. You're not forcing me to do anything."
“Dun' matter... yer Mal's firs' mate.. an', well, I ain't nuttin' but the hired muscle.”
"To him, maybe. You mean more to me, Jayne." She stood in front of him again, all flirtatiousness gone now, her expression serious. His mouth worked like a fish out of water. She leaned up and kissed him, softly, gently. He blinked.
“Zoë?” he whispered hoarsely. “Do ya know wha' yer doin'?”
"Yes, I do, Jayne. I'm kissing you." She leaned up and kissed him again, hand at the back of his neck.
“Why?” he whispered, forgetting himself and his predicament for a moment to kiss her back, goatee grazing her chin, teeth grazing her tongue.
"Because, Jayne." She pulled her lips back from his. "Because I've been wanting to for a little while now." Her eyes looked into his deep blue ones.
“Fer wha'?” He looked at her puzzled.
"You're a good man, whether you believe it or not. I see you taking care of everyone, trying to do it quietly. I just fell for you, in the purest way possible." ‘The way I fell for Wash.’ "You didn't want everyone to know. But I know and that's part of why I care for you so much."
“Zoë, I ain't sure.. I mean...Mal will kill me…”
"Have to get through me first."
“Well, hell I dun' need protectin'.. Juss'...ya know. I can handle myself...”
"I know that. I'm just not gonna let him do anything to you. He threatened Wash, too, you know. Wasn't anything more than talk."
“Yea, well,” he mumbled, rubbing his forehead fiercely suddenly. “I dun' think it's all talk!”
"Is Mal the only thing holding you back?" she asked quietly.
He cleared his throat. He wasn’t used to this thing called intimacy unless he was paying. How do you act or respond without coming off as an ass? “I dun' know wha' ta... ya know.. how to…”
"It's not hard." She placed her hand over his heart. "Just gotta listen to this." She tapped his chest.
Wasn't hard for her, maybe. He moved from her hand like she burned him but it was more just he was so unused to all this. “Zoë, I mean.. come on... I... I juss' dun' make no gorram sense.. yer better 'en me...”
Her hand dropped to her side. "If I really believed that, Jayne, I wouldn't feel the way I do." She took a deep breath and smiled at him. "Maybe you want some time to think about it."
He nodded and looked at her. “I..I juss' migh'!”
"Alright." She smiled and kissed his cheek softly. "You know where to find me." She turned and headed to her bunk, the softest smile on her face.
“Um yea... yea I do...” He shook his head dumbly as he watched her go.
She climbed down and sat on her bed, pulling off her boots and replaying their kiss in her mind. It made her smile.
He sat there on the bridge, for a long time, looking dumbfounded and unsure of what just happened. “Did Zoë juss' kiss me?”
She took her holster off and lay back on the bed, thinking. She was glad she finally told him. She looked at the bandage he'd placed on her hand and smiled more, remembering his gentle touch, even though he was yelling at her.
He walked stupidly back to his own bunk and dropped down into it, making a lot of noise as he did, he ambled to his bunk and lay down. “Ta ma duh! Wha' a humped day!”