...
Actually, I don't even know why I decided to open this journal and write? Another thing that gives nothing except just being and forcing to look at from time to time and maybe write something... stupid.
I feel very tired inside. Tired and dead. Some seemingly meanigless things, couple of more seroius, and me in between all this... I'm hanging again. Shoot me!! I wish I could go out for hours. Disappear for some time, so far, far away... Where ther'd be no questions, no tasks I'm obliged to fulfill, just... I don't know myself. If everything was so easy as my way of thinking. I'm sick of everyone's saying: "You can do better than this.", "You still can do something with your life.", "Oh, stop complaining!" What if I don't want to? What if I just talk like this, to keep the conversation going? So what I laugh? So what I joke? So what???? If there's no faith in me? No strenght? No will? No craving for anything?
Is there a thing, an impuls that makes people want to struggle? And if there is... If there is one... I don't want to know it. I want my world curled up in a little ball inside of me, black, abandoned, hollow, alone- never lonely. Again I'm afraid of people. Those I'm already familiar with, and those I don't know at all. Strangers' voices make me shiver, and back away.
Will I... do what I've planned for the nearest future? I hope so... but I don't beleive it. When something goes smoothly there must be something fucked up. And it's fucked up really badly. This one goal runs away fast. Too fast to be reached by me,a nd I only laugh. Laugh like I was a madman!!!
I feel very tired inside. Tired and dead. Some seemingly meanigless things, couple of more seroius, and me in between all this... I'm hanging again. Shoot me!! I wish I could go out for hours. Disappear for some time, so far, far away... Where ther'd be no questions, no tasks I'm obliged to fulfill, just... I don't know myself. If everything was so easy as my way of thinking. I'm sick of everyone's saying: "You can do better than this.", "You still can do something with your life.", "Oh, stop complaining!" What if I don't want to? What if I just talk like this, to keep the conversation going? So what I laugh? So what I joke? So what???? If there's no faith in me? No strenght? No will? No craving for anything?
Is there a thing, an impuls that makes people want to struggle? And if there is... If there is one... I don't want to know it. I want my world curled up in a little ball inside of me, black, abandoned, hollow, alone- never lonely. Again I'm afraid of people. Those I'm already familiar with, and those I don't know at all. Strangers' voices make me shiver, and back away.
Will I... do what I've planned for the nearest future? I hope so... but I don't beleive it. When something goes smoothly there must be something fucked up. And it's fucked up really badly. This one goal runs away fast. Too fast to be reached by me,a nd I only laugh. Laugh like I was a madman!!!