These Foolish Games....
Its been two years...two years, seven men, several catastrophies, broken hearts, and my shatterd dreams....
Yes...its been two years. Two years of slipping and falling, screaming and crying, hatred and hiding, fighting and faking...
Two years. I didn't want anything to do with him. Nothing. I hated him. I hated the fact he breathed the same air I did.
I hated him because he hated me. Hated me not only with his words, but with his actions. He took some of the most precious, irreplacable keepsakes in my life...yes he did. He took them, and left me with nothing. Emptied my insides.
I accused him of theft, he stole my heart. What was worse was that he replaced it with so much pain and hurt. I tried to mask it, tried to hide it.
I used to cry to myself as he called frequently to beg forgiveness.
Why did you hate me so much? Why didn't you love me? Why...why...why...why......
Six men. Six men that weren't you. Six men who couldn't do it right. Six men who could not say it right. Six men who did trippled and quadrupled the damage done to my person.
Stealing the reminant of my entrails. Leaving me naked on the road to die.
I was a nobody, nobody to them, nobody to him. I hated it and I hated him. I was the doormat, they just walked all over me.
Jesus. He picked me up. Delivered me. Began to rebuild and reform the destruction...the devistation.
Broke the soul tie, yes...I am no longer attached to him...attached to them...not that way.
Not anymore.
Love. You cannot rebuke love. You cannot break love. You cannot pray against love.
You can mask it all and pretend its okay. Two things won't go away, your memory...
and your love.
I planned my life around him & he destroyed my plans. To God be the glory. I see...I see more to life...
But its there. It won't go away. It has my heart, tugged....on a string...drag me.
I could not fake it anymore. Could not be angry. Could not be mean. Could not yell. Could not scowl.
I could not hate him anymore. I loved him, but my hurt was speaking for me.
I wished evil on him, because of the evil he bestowed upon me.
I had to forgive him, I loved him. I could not help it.
God helped me. Removed the hate I held for him, and the woman that assisted in hurting me.
My love for him...non existant. I told him several times...I didn't love him. To...his face.
In the back of my mind...I knew...I knew...I was lying.
I said it to people.
I remember...breaking down after a recent conversation with him. I didn't even know why.
He was with her. Why should it matter to me....
"I should not be coming home to her D, I should be coming home to you."
"Why did I do what I did to you? I was so...so...so stupid."
"I'm still in love with you....."
She found out that he was contacting me. I spoke to her. Yes. I spoke to her.
him: "Tell me what can I do to make up for all the evil things I did to you. Tell me...tell me please....."
me: *choaking back tears* "Love her...love her..love her the way you never loved me. Treat her like she is the best...stick with her...stay with her...Love her the way...the way you should have loved me."
She left him shortly. Lock, stock, and barrel.
I think it was me.
I didn't speak to him after that. I couldn't. I would not take his calls.
Then...we met...we spoke...we...we.....
We know. We can't. We won't.
He wants to. I don't. It hurts.
Paul prayed for the thorn in his side to go away. It wouldn't.
Maybe this is my thorn.
I love him.
I cannot have any real future with him. It would never happen.
I wish....I wish we said no. I wish we never......
Sometimes I wish I never met him. I believe my heart would be in a better condtion.
Unbroken.
No...It was broken back then too.
"No baby...*wiped tear from my face* your heart...was broken...was broken before those men got to you."
- my cousin Shaun
Lord, I need Your Help! Help me.
Here I am...two years later. Same time...same propostion. Same cycle. I know the future, I know the past. I know what I need to say. I have said it before. I will say it again.
I d o n ' t w a n t t o.
I want...but its not about my wants. Its not about my desires. Its not...not about me.
Oh God. *tears* Oh God.
"If heart break were a spirit....I'd rebuke it."
"These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart."
- Jewel
EDIT...my sister got hit by a car....she got up...after she got hit...she's fine. Thank God.
-©D
