I am back and better than ever
So tis the time to be writing in LiveJournal I take it. So maybe I should join in the club and put in my two cents about my life. I am sure there are so many people out there that want and need to hear the exciting story of my life and they have missed. Oh well, even if I don't have an audience I at least enjoy talking to myself. It is fun.
So where exactly do I start? What should I blab on and on about until you are blue in the face from holding your breath over shear boredom? How about school. I think I can be short and sweet about that subject. I think I can even sum it up in two words, but of course everyone knows I am going to elaborate at least a little bit. I GRADUATED!!! Granted it took me a very long time to do this, but I finally did it and I am very proud of myself. Right now, I am off of work and this morning and yesterday morning I actually didn't HAVE to be anywhere. I felt so unproductive that I had to go and look for a job. I decided I would rather do Cosmetology than work for Starbucks (imagine that).
Here is the more serious part that I am even more proud of myself than I am about school. I ended something that had been going on for a very long time that actually meant a lot to me. I ended something that at one point in time I loved more than life itself. I broke up with Randy after a 4 year long relationship. Out of all the things that have been milestones in my life, this was the hardest one for me to overcome. I battled with doing this for a very long time. Probably since February actually. I found out through a friend of mine that Randy was seeing another girl and all Randy could do was lie about it. For awhile I was in denial about it because I wanted so badly to believe that I hadn't wasted 4 years of my life investing in that relationship, but the truth is, I did. He cheated on me (at least in my mind he had cheated on me). The anger built up and built up for months. I was trying to end things without ever having to say the words, but we were entirely too comfortable with each other to do anything like that. I actually had to leave my comfort zone to break up with him. It was the hardest words I ever had to say outloud and sound like I meant them. You know, we weren't even fighting over anything significant, believe it or not, the placement of a tattoo and the fixing of another tattoo. Stupidest argument ever. The words I said next surprised me and yet his reaction to me saying them was very dissappointing really. I told him, "I don't think I love you anymore." He rolled over and went to sleep. I was pissed. I just told the man, er... boy I had been with for 4 years that I HAD once loved that I no longer loved him and instead of hurting, he rolled over and went to sleep. That definately helped my decision. Fuck him I don't need him.
I spent a few days wishing I never said anything of the sort, but I did and I could never take it back.. the question wasn't could we ignore what I said, it was did I really want to revoke some harsh words that I probably meant? I was in shock. I spent almost every day hanging out with Amy because she knew what I was going through (having gone through it only a year before I did). She was my support. I don't know if I could have ever thanked her for what she did for me (but I tried and bought her a tattoo).
Every now and then I think about what would have happened had I never said those words. I don't think I would like who I would have been. So I know I did the right thing by ending it. I am so much happier that I made that decision and stuck to it.
So that brings us to the next topic of discussion. Happiness. Someone has made me a very happy person. I can't explain it. After I broke up with randy, I was no where close to wanting a relationship, but sometimes I guess that's when you find it. I guess 3 or 4 months ago I went to a bar with Amy. (I was still with randy then). I don't know, maybe it was the amount of beers I had, or the mindset I was in at the time, but her friend John was just really interesting. I don't know how to explain this certain form of attraction. It wasn't the looks, even though I have no complaints in that department, I think it was more the conversation. Honestly, I think it was more than the conversation, it was the connection behind the conversation. When talking to John (and that night I probably spent about 4 hours talking to him and not many other people), it felt like I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen in years, but still felt able to carry on a conversarion. I was very up front about my relationship with randy... ok up front with the fact that I had a relationship. I didn't want to tell him that my relationship was in turmoil, it might lead him to believe something that wasn't. (after all, I was still in denial). I dunno exactly what it was, but something in my mind clicked. I didn't break up with randy for John if that is what you are thinking.
Have you ever had that one moment where you felt like a princess? With randy, I never did. I never felt like I was the most important thing in his life. With John, I never like anything less. I truly feel like a princess. I feel like I am held high on a pedestle and anything I want, I get. I won't go that far. He doesn't spoil me completely. He just never lets me believe the negative things about me that I have grown accustomed to. I never felt like I was the most beautiful girl on the planet before. With John, I could grow to believe that he doesn't see anyone else other than me. The things he says... everything. Out of curiousity, I asked him what bothered him about me... he said, "I haven't found anything yet." Do you know what it is like to spend the day (everyday) with someone and not once argue? I sure as hell didn't until now. I guess I can sum up the whole journal by saying, I am happy and I couldn't be happier with where my life is headed right now. Thanks everyone for reading my journal.
So where exactly do I start? What should I blab on and on about until you are blue in the face from holding your breath over shear boredom? How about school. I think I can be short and sweet about that subject. I think I can even sum it up in two words, but of course everyone knows I am going to elaborate at least a little bit. I GRADUATED!!! Granted it took me a very long time to do this, but I finally did it and I am very proud of myself. Right now, I am off of work and this morning and yesterday morning I actually didn't HAVE to be anywhere. I felt so unproductive that I had to go and look for a job. I decided I would rather do Cosmetology than work for Starbucks (imagine that).
Here is the more serious part that I am even more proud of myself than I am about school. I ended something that had been going on for a very long time that actually meant a lot to me. I ended something that at one point in time I loved more than life itself. I broke up with Randy after a 4 year long relationship. Out of all the things that have been milestones in my life, this was the hardest one for me to overcome. I battled with doing this for a very long time. Probably since February actually. I found out through a friend of mine that Randy was seeing another girl and all Randy could do was lie about it. For awhile I was in denial about it because I wanted so badly to believe that I hadn't wasted 4 years of my life investing in that relationship, but the truth is, I did. He cheated on me (at least in my mind he had cheated on me). The anger built up and built up for months. I was trying to end things without ever having to say the words, but we were entirely too comfortable with each other to do anything like that. I actually had to leave my comfort zone to break up with him. It was the hardest words I ever had to say outloud and sound like I meant them. You know, we weren't even fighting over anything significant, believe it or not, the placement of a tattoo and the fixing of another tattoo. Stupidest argument ever. The words I said next surprised me and yet his reaction to me saying them was very dissappointing really. I told him, "I don't think I love you anymore." He rolled over and went to sleep. I was pissed. I just told the man, er... boy I had been with for 4 years that I HAD once loved that I no longer loved him and instead of hurting, he rolled over and went to sleep. That definately helped my decision. Fuck him I don't need him.
I spent a few days wishing I never said anything of the sort, but I did and I could never take it back.. the question wasn't could we ignore what I said, it was did I really want to revoke some harsh words that I probably meant? I was in shock. I spent almost every day hanging out with Amy because she knew what I was going through (having gone through it only a year before I did). She was my support. I don't know if I could have ever thanked her for what she did for me (but I tried and bought her a tattoo).
Every now and then I think about what would have happened had I never said those words. I don't think I would like who I would have been. So I know I did the right thing by ending it. I am so much happier that I made that decision and stuck to it.
So that brings us to the next topic of discussion. Happiness. Someone has made me a very happy person. I can't explain it. After I broke up with randy, I was no where close to wanting a relationship, but sometimes I guess that's when you find it. I guess 3 or 4 months ago I went to a bar with Amy. (I was still with randy then). I don't know, maybe it was the amount of beers I had, or the mindset I was in at the time, but her friend John was just really interesting. I don't know how to explain this certain form of attraction. It wasn't the looks, even though I have no complaints in that department, I think it was more the conversation. Honestly, I think it was more than the conversation, it was the connection behind the conversation. When talking to John (and that night I probably spent about 4 hours talking to him and not many other people), it felt like I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen in years, but still felt able to carry on a conversarion. I was very up front about my relationship with randy... ok up front with the fact that I had a relationship. I didn't want to tell him that my relationship was in turmoil, it might lead him to believe something that wasn't. (after all, I was still in denial). I dunno exactly what it was, but something in my mind clicked. I didn't break up with randy for John if that is what you are thinking.
Have you ever had that one moment where you felt like a princess? With randy, I never did. I never felt like I was the most important thing in his life. With John, I never like anything less. I truly feel like a princess. I feel like I am held high on a pedestle and anything I want, I get. I won't go that far. He doesn't spoil me completely. He just never lets me believe the negative things about me that I have grown accustomed to. I never felt like I was the most beautiful girl on the planet before. With John, I could grow to believe that he doesn't see anyone else other than me. The things he says... everything. Out of curiousity, I asked him what bothered him about me... he said, "I haven't found anything yet." Do you know what it is like to spend the day (everyday) with someone and not once argue? I sure as hell didn't until now. I guess I can sum up the whole journal by saying, I am happy and I couldn't be happier with where my life is headed right now. Thanks everyone for reading my journal.