lonely days and depression
I need a big smack in the face. This week I've been doing nothing but sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. I hate when I feel like this. I think it stems from being lonely. Even though I have a roommate we barely see each other and when we do one of us is usually in a bad mood so we never have any fun. I swear when you live with a person it's like you're married. I've always wanted to be married so having a roommate is like a little gleam into the future, without the sex of course. But just being with another person on a daily basis -- it's hard. Mostly with me I feel like I'm always tiptoeing around, not really sure how the other person is going to react, and being afraid that I'm annoying a lot of the time. Then I hear from a mutual friend that yes, I was being annoying.
But this past week I've been feeling so overwhelmed. Well, that's not quite the word. Because I don't work much during the day (a situation that I need to remedy) I have plans to go out in service every day but one. For some reason the thought of facing the people at the meeting for field service is just so daunting. I'll talk to the householders no problem, they dont' know me. But the people at the meeting, those are my friends. To have to smile and say I'm fine and laugh and joke when inside I feel like a shriveled up prune or something is hard. And it actually hurts my honest heart to have to lie like that. I know I dont' have to lie but it sure does make it easier because if a tell the truth I'll have sympathy and people will always think of me as "depressed" (I really loathe that word) and never treat me the same and always ask me how I'm doing and really mean it.
I know everybody has their ups and downs. But I always notice that whenever anybody asks anybody else how they are doing, the answer is always fine or good. In most cases that is not true. It's like we're all living behind smiling masks and we're afraid to take them off.
But this past week I've been feeling so overwhelmed. Well, that's not quite the word. Because I don't work much during the day (a situation that I need to remedy) I have plans to go out in service every day but one. For some reason the thought of facing the people at the meeting for field service is just so daunting. I'll talk to the householders no problem, they dont' know me. But the people at the meeting, those are my friends. To have to smile and say I'm fine and laugh and joke when inside I feel like a shriveled up prune or something is hard. And it actually hurts my honest heart to have to lie like that. I know I dont' have to lie but it sure does make it easier because if a tell the truth I'll have sympathy and people will always think of me as "depressed" (I really loathe that word) and never treat me the same and always ask me how I'm doing and really mean it.
I know everybody has their ups and downs. But I always notice that whenever anybody asks anybody else how they are doing, the answer is always fine or good. In most cases that is not true. It's like we're all living behind smiling masks and we're afraid to take them off.