Per a request
Dag's Sekrit Lunch Stir Fry Goodness
0) The night before, drink. Heavily.
1) You'll wanna start some rice. You've got a ricemaker, right? Sure, sure. I can make rice too. Screw that. 4 scoops rice, 2 hunks of butter, some salt, some pepper, appropriate amount of water. Press the button. PRESS THE BUTTON JOEL, YOU'VE GOT MOVIE-SIGN.
2) You'll need some chicken, ideally boneless, as, well, you're in no condition to be de-boning things, likely. Get your cubist on with the chicken.
2a) Fuck. Still frozen.
2b) No, this is cool. Cube it. Mic it for ~ 2 minutes/pound, give or take. It helps if you have a button on the microwave you can just keep hitting until it seems right.
3) Wok. Shit. No wok. What the hell kind of tortureland did you wake up in that they don't have a wok? Ok; breathe, breathe, ooh, look, rounded sauce pan. This'll work.
4) Something to stir things with. Ideally, this will be some form of superadvanced ultra durable unstainable spatula. It's as likely to be a wooden spoon you're praying won't turn black from what you're about to do. C'est la vie.
5) Ok. Heat + Stovetop == cooking. It's true, for certain values of cooking. You should get on that. In your skilletywok, put some wok oil, or sesame oil, or something.
5a) You should really do something with that. Crank the heat down to low, grab two cloves of garlic. Peel, smush, pretend you know how to dice, then they go into the skilletywok. Temperature back up to 'ZOMG HOT'
6) Realize that you might want to think about vegetables.
6a) Your choices are limited, unless you like corn in your stir-fry. I cannot recommend this. Deal with being a carnivore. Should you have mushrooms, however, they should be getting chopped nowish.
7) Chicken goes in the hot oil. Stir until it stops moving. Or is, y'know, "Done".
[sidebar] Let's be honest here. If you have a compromised immune system, you likely weren't out drinking last night, nor should you be so dumb as to be eating my day-after cooking. Cook it until it's barely pink inside. Keep stirring. For the love of god, Montressor, keep stirring! Why do you think they call it stir-fry?
8) Ok. You have chicken that is nearly at the peak of happy tasting. Get 1/4 cup of water. Realize you have no good way to measure out 2 tbsp of garlic black bean sauce (make my own? no. no no no no no). Grab a spoon, throw a couple hunks in there.
9) Put a little corn starch in your GBB Sauce/water mix. It can't hurt.
10) Liquid goes into the SkilletWok. It should be piping hot. Like, boiling. WTH did you do with those mushrooms? Crap. Might as well put 'em in now. This is why you don't drink scotch while cooking. Keep stirring, let all that stuff cook in, shouldn't take more than 2-3 minutes, your chicken is done, you have a sauce [pro tip to follow], nom nom nom, as they say. This would be a good time to, say, add the hot cock sauce . If you know what I mean.
Pro Tip: If you keep a bowl in the oven, on 'warm', you can transfer the chikn into it for the minute or two more you're going 'thicken, you damn dirty sauce, thicken!'
Serve over rice. Eat to the dulcet tones of Anthony Bourdain eating rat in Guatemala. Or whatever he's eating wherever.
0) The night before, drink. Heavily.
1) You'll wanna start some rice. You've got a ricemaker, right? Sure, sure. I can make rice too. Screw that. 4 scoops rice, 2 hunks of butter, some salt, some pepper, appropriate amount of water. Press the button. PRESS THE BUTTON JOEL, YOU'VE GOT MOVIE-SIGN.
2) You'll need some chicken, ideally boneless, as, well, you're in no condition to be de-boning things, likely. Get your cubist on with the chicken.
2a) Fuck. Still frozen.
2b) No, this is cool. Cube it. Mic it for ~ 2 minutes/pound, give or take. It helps if you have a button on the microwave you can just keep hitting until it seems right.
3) Wok. Shit. No wok. What the hell kind of tortureland did you wake up in that they don't have a wok? Ok; breathe, breathe, ooh, look, rounded sauce pan. This'll work.
4) Something to stir things with. Ideally, this will be some form of superadvanced ultra durable unstainable spatula. It's as likely to be a wooden spoon you're praying won't turn black from what you're about to do. C'est la vie.
5) Ok. Heat + Stovetop == cooking. It's true, for certain values of cooking. You should get on that. In your skilletywok, put some wok oil, or sesame oil, or something.
5a) You should really do something with that. Crank the heat down to low, grab two cloves of garlic. Peel, smush, pretend you know how to dice, then they go into the skilletywok. Temperature back up to 'ZOMG HOT'
6) Realize that you might want to think about vegetables.
6a) Your choices are limited, unless you like corn in your stir-fry. I cannot recommend this. Deal with being a carnivore. Should you have mushrooms, however, they should be getting chopped nowish.
7) Chicken goes in the hot oil. Stir until it stops moving. Or is, y'know, "Done".
[sidebar] Let's be honest here. If you have a compromised immune system, you likely weren't out drinking last night, nor should you be so dumb as to be eating my day-after cooking. Cook it until it's barely pink inside. Keep stirring. For the love of god, Montressor, keep stirring! Why do you think they call it stir-fry?
8) Ok. You have chicken that is nearly at the peak of happy tasting. Get 1/4 cup of water. Realize you have no good way to measure out 2 tbsp of garlic black bean sauce (make my own? no. no no no no no). Grab a spoon, throw a couple hunks in there.
9) Put a little corn starch in your GBB Sauce/water mix. It can't hurt.
10) Liquid goes into the SkilletWok. It should be piping hot. Like, boiling. WTH did you do with those mushrooms? Crap. Might as well put 'em in now. This is why you don't drink scotch while cooking. Keep stirring, let all that stuff cook in, shouldn't take more than 2-3 minutes, your chicken is done, you have a sauce [pro tip to follow], nom nom nom, as they say. This would be a good time to, say, add the hot cock sauce . If you know what I mean.
Pro Tip: If you keep a bowl in the oven, on 'warm', you can transfer the chikn into it for the minute or two more you're going 'thicken, you damn dirty sauce, thicken!'
Serve over rice. Eat to the dulcet tones of Anthony Bourdain eating rat in Guatemala. Or whatever he's eating wherever.