OMG... Wow. Just... what to say?
Okay that so totally sucked! I am a gamer to the core, so in most cases I uses keyboard "shortcuts" rather than the mouse. Like for example, I will type "ctrl + N" to open a new window. Well, I was posting to this stupid blog, and had about half of it finished, and went to open a new window to look up the spelling of a word, and instead of hitting ctrl + n I accidentally hit ctrl + w which is the shortcut to "close" the window. So.. eeepies. I just deleted the whole half of a post I had... So yeah here goes again:
It's Tuesday now. That much is obvious. Yesterday and the Sunday I was beginning to get depressed about today's approach. You see, I was supposed to go back to Florida today. Yeah, that didn't happen. I knew, that last thing that I wanted to do today was to get on that bus and go home. It's not like there is anything really, tying me to Florida. Nothing. Not really. No Job. No Finances. No Commitments. Not Many Friends. Family. That's it. Family. Family that I have already spent the better part of the past three years hundreds of miles away from. And the better part of four months of that, well over 1,000 miles away from. I can talk to them when I will or want to. My list of friends is so minute it is not even funny. But again, not a very social person, and when you sort of "disappear" for near to three years, the list of friends you once had rapidly diminishes. So what is there to hold me to florida?
Samantha? Hardly. Yes, she is my best friend, like a sister. Yes, she is the mother of my godson and my son's god mother. But, NO we don't talk. No, we don't hang out. And No, we don't see one another. Why? She is too busy, the girl is, like me 20yrs old, and unlike me, a single mother, working three jobs to support her and her son. With not much of a life to speak of. Our paths in life are just pulling us in such opposite directions we are lucky to say "Hi, how's it going. Shit! Answer later, gotta run." If we would even get that much in. Toddlers keep your hands full, not to mention trying to prepare to go back to school, and also trying to get a job.
Katherine? Ashley? The sisters. Yes, they are good friend's of mine. Granted they are also five and six years younger than I am, and are more friend's of my baby sister's than they are friends of my own. Not to mention the when I most oftenly talk to them it is online anyway. So what difference would it make if it was online from Florida, or Online from Georgia?
Amber? Hahahahahahahaha! Yeah right! I would not consider her a friend, not that I can think of atleast. An acquaintance, yeah sure. Friend... not likely. We get along, yeah. But she's my mom's friend. I've known her, but don't like her enough to call her "friend" not like we would EVER hang out. We are WAY too much of opposites to one another.
Bonni? Another one that hardly counts. She is not only the little sister's friend. But also the sister of my best friend's ex. She is my god son's father's sister, and thusly my god son's aunt. Probably the mix of that and her being Mary's friend are the only reasons I'm even really associated with her to begin with. So yeah. Nothing holding me back there.
What do I have to benefit from being here in Georgia? So much more than I think most would expect! Okay, so yes I could get my CNA in Florida, but I could get it just as easily up here, if not easier. I'm happy! That is one HUGE benefit of being here. I am so blissfully happy when I am with Mikey. Just having his arms around me, or seeing him smile at me, the way he does. Or look into my eyes. Never in my life have I felt, or experienced a happiness that ran so deep that I could feel it to the very core of who I am. That is the biggest benefit and the one most worth while!
Why did I choose to stay, rather than go back home to my parents where I could stay? Yeah sure, staying means getting a job, rather than being free to do what I will in my parents house. It also entails rent, bills.... finances to put it easily. etc. etc. but you know what, as crazy as people may think I am. I want THAT. I haven't worked in so long it drives me bonkers. Not to mention that, those things only show my life with the most wonderful man I've ever met. I want to take those steps to making my goals in life come true, with him at my side. With his help every step of the way. With HIM!
So yes.... All in all I decided at about 5:30 this morning that, yeah... I was SO not getting on the bus back to Florida, everyone else be damned. I wanted to stay here and be with Mikey, I was going to stay here with him. I love him with all of my heart. And what he does to me, both physically and emotionally makes me feel wonderful. Just being around him is enough to boost my own ego, my self esteem... Which has always been pitifully low. Being in his arms makes me feel safe, protected, loved, cherished. He's me, in male form. He's my exact replica, as if looking into a mirror, with just enough differences to make it unique, to make it fun. He's a challenge, but a fun one. And I can honestly say that looking into the future... If I close my eyes and imagine. I see him! I can see myself growing old with him. With Xander growing up and possibly a Rydia and/or Christian in there too...
I think that is all I need to say on this subject. Atleast for tonight now that I've unloaded the constant chaos in this mind of mine.
It's Tuesday now. That much is obvious. Yesterday and the Sunday I was beginning to get depressed about today's approach. You see, I was supposed to go back to Florida today. Yeah, that didn't happen. I knew, that last thing that I wanted to do today was to get on that bus and go home. It's not like there is anything really, tying me to Florida. Nothing. Not really. No Job. No Finances. No Commitments. Not Many Friends. Family. That's it. Family. Family that I have already spent the better part of the past three years hundreds of miles away from. And the better part of four months of that, well over 1,000 miles away from. I can talk to them when I will or want to. My list of friends is so minute it is not even funny. But again, not a very social person, and when you sort of "disappear" for near to three years, the list of friends you once had rapidly diminishes. So what is there to hold me to florida?
Samantha? Hardly. Yes, she is my best friend, like a sister. Yes, she is the mother of my godson and my son's god mother. But, NO we don't talk. No, we don't hang out. And No, we don't see one another. Why? She is too busy, the girl is, like me 20yrs old, and unlike me, a single mother, working three jobs to support her and her son. With not much of a life to speak of. Our paths in life are just pulling us in such opposite directions we are lucky to say "Hi, how's it going. Shit! Answer later, gotta run." If we would even get that much in. Toddlers keep your hands full, not to mention trying to prepare to go back to school, and also trying to get a job.
Katherine? Ashley? The sisters. Yes, they are good friend's of mine. Granted they are also five and six years younger than I am, and are more friend's of my baby sister's than they are friends of my own. Not to mention the when I most oftenly talk to them it is online anyway. So what difference would it make if it was online from Florida, or Online from Georgia?
Amber? Hahahahahahahaha! Yeah right! I would not consider her a friend, not that I can think of atleast. An acquaintance, yeah sure. Friend... not likely. We get along, yeah. But she's my mom's friend. I've known her, but don't like her enough to call her "friend" not like we would EVER hang out. We are WAY too much of opposites to one another.
Bonni? Another one that hardly counts. She is not only the little sister's friend. But also the sister of my best friend's ex. She is my god son's father's sister, and thusly my god son's aunt. Probably the mix of that and her being Mary's friend are the only reasons I'm even really associated with her to begin with. So yeah. Nothing holding me back there.
What do I have to benefit from being here in Georgia? So much more than I think most would expect! Okay, so yes I could get my CNA in Florida, but I could get it just as easily up here, if not easier. I'm happy! That is one HUGE benefit of being here. I am so blissfully happy when I am with Mikey. Just having his arms around me, or seeing him smile at me, the way he does. Or look into my eyes. Never in my life have I felt, or experienced a happiness that ran so deep that I could feel it to the very core of who I am. That is the biggest benefit and the one most worth while!
Why did I choose to stay, rather than go back home to my parents where I could stay? Yeah sure, staying means getting a job, rather than being free to do what I will in my parents house. It also entails rent, bills.... finances to put it easily. etc. etc. but you know what, as crazy as people may think I am. I want THAT. I haven't worked in so long it drives me bonkers. Not to mention that, those things only show my life with the most wonderful man I've ever met. I want to take those steps to making my goals in life come true, with him at my side. With his help every step of the way. With HIM!
So yes.... All in all I decided at about 5:30 this morning that, yeah... I was SO not getting on the bus back to Florida, everyone else be damned. I wanted to stay here and be with Mikey, I was going to stay here with him. I love him with all of my heart. And what he does to me, both physically and emotionally makes me feel wonderful. Just being around him is enough to boost my own ego, my self esteem... Which has always been pitifully low. Being in his arms makes me feel safe, protected, loved, cherished. He's me, in male form. He's my exact replica, as if looking into a mirror, with just enough differences to make it unique, to make it fun. He's a challenge, but a fun one. And I can honestly say that looking into the future... If I close my eyes and imagine. I see him! I can see myself growing old with him. With Xander growing up and possibly a Rydia and/or Christian in there too...
I think that is all I need to say on this subject. Atleast for tonight now that I've unloaded the constant chaos in this mind of mine.