A moment of thoughtfullness
I'm sitting here and a lot of things started to kind of fall into place I suppose. I'm not sure if I will make this post private or personal. I guess I will read it when I'm done and choose then. I don't really know how to put it into words, but I have so much running through my head, that I have to get it down. Now...... Where to start.
I was just sitting here, reading when a couple things dawned on me. I'm changing. Not who I am, not my personality or anything I stand for. But I know I'm changing, and it's for the better. I think that Mikey has a big thing to do with that, inadvertently. I'm in a sense, I think, changing for him. To be a better person for him. Without him prompting me to, or even asking me to. Not even really noticeable changes either. I'm... The best way to describe it, is that I'm growing up it would seem.
I'm no where near as stressed out as I normally am. I've... Successfully quit smoking, which is something I've attempted numerous times in the past but always failed at. I've done it, cold turkey, with little to no problem. I've always wanted to, and I know too that Mikey doesn't like it. So I think my want to, and knowing that he would like it if I did, even without him asking me to, has helped a lot. Not to mention that being here I've got so much less stress on me, that I don't need the cigarettes to calm me.
He fulfills me. Completely. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. He makes me feel.... There are no words for how he makes me feel.
I've always felt it's easier to live at home with my parents. I've never had a whole lot of motivation to do anything with my life. I guess is a good way of putting it. When I had Xander it motivated me, big time, to get a job, get my GED etc. etc. But when the job fell through I gave up. Mom and dad would support me, why bother. Even though I hated depending on them for anything. I hated depending on anyone for anything. I always have, and most likely always will. I hate not having a job. But had no motivation, nor reason to get one.
Even when I was married to my ex, I just... I don't know. Maybe I was a bad wife, maybe, I don't know. I know that when I was married, I felt out of place. I didn't feel like I should be there, I didn't feel like I should be married. I felt like I should still have been at home with my parents. I didn't feel like an adult. I felt like I should still be living with mom and dad, working and going to school. But there I was hundreds of miles away from my family, married to someone... Someone who didn't make me happy, who didn't fulfill me. I didn't like to clean, never have. I didn't like... doing much of anything. That's changing.
Here I am, again hundreds of miles away from my family, but this time... It's not bothering me in the least. I feel like I should be here. I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I want to get a job (not only need to), to help. I find myself cleaning up our rooms each day, at least straightening them up, and actually enjoying it. I find myself wanting to help out, at least some, around the rest of the house, even though time spent there is a minimum, Maybe that has to do with the fact that it's not my house? I don't know. Maybe it's because I see how hard Mikey is working to make something for us, and I want to help him, in anyway I can....
I'm so happy that I can't begin to put it into words that anyone could fathom in even a bit of how I'm feeling. I'm.. I feel like it's just.... right. Some have asked, "Don't you think you're rushing into this?" and things of that nature, and I can't find any other way to answer than, "Nope. Not at all, it feels right. I know it's right. I'm positive this is what I want, no regrets, no doubts" not one. Not a single doubt in my mind that this is what I should be doing. Where I should be. Who I should be with.
Mikey! I love you! So much more, than I think, I could ever say, or show.