Turning the Blues around
This brings back memories of being on the big lake freighter Edward B. Greene. We were leaving Sandusky harbor in late August on a Sunday morning years ago with the sun sparkling off the water. We neared Cedar Point on the way out of the bay and suddenly there were sailboats seemingly everywhere. These Sunday drivers were acting like they had the right-of-way, but getting something as big as the GREENE to turn or stop takes much preparation and time. Our captain wasn't happy as I don't think he relished squishing these irritating "bugs" in the water ahead of us.
So for me, turning these blues around, is like that big steel "football field" length boat stopping or making a turn. It is a slow process.
I do believe I am in my turn, not just thinking about starting the turn.
Thanksgiving day was emotional for me. But I had a wonderful time with my brother and his family. Lots of fun conversation and sharing. I loved the singing at the table. Our food was very well received and enjoyed. Listening to the girls upstairs showering after the turkey trot while I finished preparations in the kitchen, felt warming.
But looking towards Christmas is difficult. Huge changes in my original family with the death of my parents. I count both parents in my Mom's more recent death, because it's definitely the end of an era. And the prospect of a very downsized Christmas with my children is another monumental change.
So first, coming to grips with any unresolved childhood issues is heavy on my plate. You would think these things would have been worked out to my satisfaction because I am fast approaching the end of my own life, but I think the finality of death brings many feelings back into my present. And I see my siblings struggling also. We all are, but what can we do to move more easily through these holidays. Probably lower our expectations of a traditional celebration. We need something different. My brother has done that already by planning a wonderful time in Las Vegas, renting a house and getting his 4 daughters all to join him. What about my sisters? We seem to be in a spot right now where the issues of our parents house and trappings are keeping us all in a funk. Maybe we could meet for a special dinner.
We will spend the days before and after with my daughter B, because S is not coming home this year. Also, I don't plan to see M and family at all. Again, I need to change my expectations. It's sad, but at this point I am better off not planning on anything. Plus I think high expectations are the stuff that leads to the blues. The experiences of getting ready for Christmas (decorating & preparing food) does have me choking up some, so I need to work through that angst. Also, I try to put myself in my childrens' places. I know there were times when the "celebrations" and traveling across town were too much for me. Trying to balance my original family, with my own husband & children was often tough. Since Dad died, I've wanted to avoid the holiday tradition at my parents. We were losing Mom slowly and Dad wasn't there. It was too much to bear. In fact last year where we had sisters and my Mom over to our house, turned out great! I love that picture of my Mom looking down and Cobra-Ky looking up into her eyes and will cherish that "moment in time" forever.
So how to get past these blues that definitely are here for me? Keep busy. This does really seem to work. We cooked (and cleaned) for family and friends Thursday and Saturday. Friday I worked on updating my jewelry pictures on line and helped Dunk with outside Christmas decorations on Saturday. Sunday we continued with lighting out in front of our house in the drizzle and then I got down to work on a handmade wool stocking that is going to be a gift for a good friend to keep at her house for her new grandson. (She wants to buy it, but I can't seem to set a price. It is made with love. If I charged for my time, it would be way too expensive.)
Time to make peace and forgive. Time to be grateful for my many, many blessings. Time to let go of past hurts. Time to be open to change. Time to let go of expectations that can't really materialize. Time to trust and have faith. Isn't that what the holiday season is all about? To trust in God.