Trying To Be Strong!
Dear Journal,
I have nothing much to talk about. I guess I will start off with whats new in my life. Well I have my neices living with me now. So I am taking care of 4 babies.. Im not gonna make excuses for her and Im not gonna pretend that everything is ok anymore. I am so tired of being the one that has to be the peace maker. There is so much conflict between my mother and my sister and I, but I, being me, always pretend that I dont care and I just smile and pretend that her neglectment and non-existance in my childrens life doesnt bother me. Im so tired of pretending to be happy in my relationship, in my life and in everything. Dont get me wrong, I love Chris to death, its so funny.. I know that I love him and I know that I treat him wrong, but I cant seem to change that.. Im not even sure that I want to change that. He is such a nice person and he works really hard, he even tries to do anything I want just so that Im in a good mood.. I dont mean to take everything out on him, I want to be happy with him.. Its like if you take away all of the things that make me crazy, I know that I would be so friggin happy.. Its just I am just all screwed up.. I have people that are helping me through my situation and even though there are only a few, they are really helping me.. Its so crazy, the people that I wouldnt think that would be there for me, are the ones that are reaching out.. I really need some friends in my life.. But everytime I think I meet someone that is real and doesnt judge, I find out something else.. Im so frigging tired of working then coming home to four babies that need to be fed, changed, bathed and put to bed, then I have to clean and then get myself in the tub, and by that time, its so late, I fall asleep in the tub, Im so tired.. I go to work so dead tired and drained and stressed.. Between the thing with my sister and DHS, and the fact that Chris and I are just fighting non-stop.. over nothing, nothing important, but every morning we leave eachother mad.. We usually go to bed mad too.. I know that he is tired of my problems with myself, my family and with him.. He is gonna end up leaving me soon and then that will just be the icing to top the cake.. Then what do I do???
Anyways, I love my 2 kids, they are great, smart and really help me get through each day.. I know I complain about them, but they are truly my angels..
I love my 2 neices, they have really helped me open up my heart even more and helped me to see that I can love someone despite my feelings for their father... They are 2 wonderful kids that just want love and attention.. and maybe some toys to play with because they are two little girls.. I know I complain, but my struggles are not even close to what they have been through. I am gonna be here for them for as long as it takes for my sister to get it together.. I cant send them back now.. They need to trust someone in their life..
I love Chris, he is my rock, and the love of my life.. He has been there for me through so much like my dad dieing, family problems, family problems, graduating from school, family problems, just so much and I honestly dont know where I would be without him.. I really have to learn to love again and to just be a better person..
thats all for today... but there will be more..
I have nothing much to talk about. I guess I will start off with whats new in my life. Well I have my neices living with me now. So I am taking care of 4 babies.. Im not gonna make excuses for her and Im not gonna pretend that everything is ok anymore. I am so tired of being the one that has to be the peace maker. There is so much conflict between my mother and my sister and I, but I, being me, always pretend that I dont care and I just smile and pretend that her neglectment and non-existance in my childrens life doesnt bother me. Im so tired of pretending to be happy in my relationship, in my life and in everything. Dont get me wrong, I love Chris to death, its so funny.. I know that I love him and I know that I treat him wrong, but I cant seem to change that.. Im not even sure that I want to change that. He is such a nice person and he works really hard, he even tries to do anything I want just so that Im in a good mood.. I dont mean to take everything out on him, I want to be happy with him.. Its like if you take away all of the things that make me crazy, I know that I would be so friggin happy.. Its just I am just all screwed up.. I have people that are helping me through my situation and even though there are only a few, they are really helping me.. Its so crazy, the people that I wouldnt think that would be there for me, are the ones that are reaching out.. I really need some friends in my life.. But everytime I think I meet someone that is real and doesnt judge, I find out something else.. Im so frigging tired of working then coming home to four babies that need to be fed, changed, bathed and put to bed, then I have to clean and then get myself in the tub, and by that time, its so late, I fall asleep in the tub, Im so tired.. I go to work so dead tired and drained and stressed.. Between the thing with my sister and DHS, and the fact that Chris and I are just fighting non-stop.. over nothing, nothing important, but every morning we leave eachother mad.. We usually go to bed mad too.. I know that he is tired of my problems with myself, my family and with him.. He is gonna end up leaving me soon and then that will just be the icing to top the cake.. Then what do I do???
Anyways, I love my 2 kids, they are great, smart and really help me get through each day.. I know I complain about them, but they are truly my angels..
I love my 2 neices, they have really helped me open up my heart even more and helped me to see that I can love someone despite my feelings for their father... They are 2 wonderful kids that just want love and attention.. and maybe some toys to play with because they are two little girls.. I know I complain, but my struggles are not even close to what they have been through. I am gonna be here for them for as long as it takes for my sister to get it together.. I cant send them back now.. They need to trust someone in their life..
I love Chris, he is my rock, and the love of my life.. He has been there for me through so much like my dad dieing, family problems, family problems, graduating from school, family problems, just so much and I honestly dont know where I would be without him.. I really have to learn to love again and to just be a better person..
thats all for today... but there will be more..