What to do?
Dear Journal,
What am I to do?? I make a decision that I think is a good one.. And now Im left with all of these thoughts.. Ya know, some people that know me, know that my dad was my strongest influence in my life then and still is.. I have always lived for him and all of my decisions that I have ever made, I thought about what he would think first.. Im not saying I was such a good girl, I have made choices that my dad didnt agree with, but I can say I did think about what he would think, and if I chose that other route, trust me, I thought long and hard about it.. But anyways, I made a decision to let my older sister help me with one of the babies, but I was told that my dad came to someone in a dream and didnt say much, but all he said was to tell me No, dont do it.. He didnt say No dont do what, he just said for them to tell me No.. There are all these feelings I have inside like Im doing the wrong thing.. Am I?? I was told that I should keep the two kids together, that they need eachother, thats all they will ever have is eachother.. That made my heart drop.. Thats how I feel about me and Shannon.. But then I got to thinking again.. Its so funny because if one day, I just woke up and said I quit, Im done with everyone, everything.. where would everyone be?? Im not saying that I save lives or anything, but If I quit tomorrow, where would they be?? I really feel like I hold up the weight for so many people.. Its just not fair.. I have no one to call onto when Im feeling my world is coming down.. because all of the people that I would call on, Im already holding them up.. so who is there for me??? Im really starting to wonder about life and myself.. I think I have done good for myself, but yet I am not reaping its benefits.. I work hard and I stay strong, but yet I feel worthless and weak.. I smile but inside Im crying.. I get paid, but I have no money for food.. Im just so messed up.. My safe routine that I had, is all in a disarray.. I just wonder what to do? Do I take help route out and let her take the baby with all of these gut feelings, or do I say that I can do this?? Can I do this? I dont know... all i know is that I cant and wont let this affect my job in anyway.. I am gonna step up my game so that they know that even with stuff going on, I am still serious and I want to do my best.. Im just so stressed..
What am I to do?? I make a decision that I think is a good one.. And now Im left with all of these thoughts.. Ya know, some people that know me, know that my dad was my strongest influence in my life then and still is.. I have always lived for him and all of my decisions that I have ever made, I thought about what he would think first.. Im not saying I was such a good girl, I have made choices that my dad didnt agree with, but I can say I did think about what he would think, and if I chose that other route, trust me, I thought long and hard about it.. But anyways, I made a decision to let my older sister help me with one of the babies, but I was told that my dad came to someone in a dream and didnt say much, but all he said was to tell me No, dont do it.. He didnt say No dont do what, he just said for them to tell me No.. There are all these feelings I have inside like Im doing the wrong thing.. Am I?? I was told that I should keep the two kids together, that they need eachother, thats all they will ever have is eachother.. That made my heart drop.. Thats how I feel about me and Shannon.. But then I got to thinking again.. Its so funny because if one day, I just woke up and said I quit, Im done with everyone, everything.. where would everyone be?? Im not saying that I save lives or anything, but If I quit tomorrow, where would they be?? I really feel like I hold up the weight for so many people.. Its just not fair.. I have no one to call onto when Im feeling my world is coming down.. because all of the people that I would call on, Im already holding them up.. so who is there for me??? Im really starting to wonder about life and myself.. I think I have done good for myself, but yet I am not reaping its benefits.. I work hard and I stay strong, but yet I feel worthless and weak.. I smile but inside Im crying.. I get paid, but I have no money for food.. Im just so messed up.. My safe routine that I had, is all in a disarray.. I just wonder what to do? Do I take help route out and let her take the baby with all of these gut feelings, or do I say that I can do this?? Can I do this? I dont know... all i know is that I cant and wont let this affect my job in anyway.. I am gonna step up my game so that they know that even with stuff going on, I am still serious and I want to do my best.. Im just so stressed..