Fears are back, as irrational as they may be
Why do I wait until I am at my wits end to post? Why do I let myself build up all this tension? It is so silly, and when I realize it has happened all over again I am simply embarrassed.
So much has changed, yet so much has not. I am teaching 4th grade at Monroe Elementary School. This is a stressful, whirlwind time that I should have been keeping up with also. Oh yea, and my dad had a double bypass heart surgery on Tuesday (St. Patrick's day). Yet, the real reason that I am writing is be because this last week has been spring break and all I have done is obsess and get myself worked up into a crazy madman version of myself again.
It all started last Thursday, which was the first day of spring break. I had a very, very stressful day and I was worried. I drank a lot of caffeine and then proceeded to take a short nap. When it was time for me to go to bed I went to sleep like normal. Then the twitching happened. Not once, not twice but ALOT. I lost my mind. Even now, I struggle to think about what to do if it happens again in the future.
The past week I have been going through all the old self destructive coping mechanisms. Thinking that if I can "just sleep tonight" that everything will be okay. Thinking that there are things I need to avoid such as caffeine and not getting enough sleep. Thinking about how if I only get 6 hours sleep in the future that it will lead to more twitching, and an inevitable breakdown that spirals into craziness.
After reading all my old posts (which I will include in the bottom) I see how sick in the head that I am. I thought I was over all of this stupidness, I thought it was gone. I thought I was past it! Yet, when I look back and think there were signs that I was still obsessing. Thinking that I needed to fall asleep in front of the TV to go to sleep. Thinking that if I didn't have too much stress that I would be okay. Thinking about when I took a nap, how that would effect me. Being hung-over and being "SURE" that this would be my undoing.
IT'S CRAZY!! PURE CRAZINESS, yet part of me still believes in it all. WHY, WHY, WHY??!! Sometimes it's like I've made no progress, or worse, have gone backwards.
I have an appointment with a therapist April 1st. I want to unravel all this. I want to get better. I need to TRUELY get over this. It is not enough to play the game, it is not enough to have the threat of not sleeping bring me to my knees. It is not okay to spend, or better yet, WASTE my time and my life rehearsing for this made up disaster, to anticipate something that is not materializing.
Well that actually brings me to a secondary point - I think the reason that I am SO thrown off now is that I DID super twitch last Thursday. I got to the point where I thought it wouldn't happen and couldn't but then it did. EVEN IF IT WAS EVER SO BREIFLY. It put me back into the mind frame of fear, of preparing. Of ramping up the 'war machine' to fight this battle and minimize my emotional and physical consequences. Mostly, it rattled my psyche and scared the SHIT out me.
It is a good and weird place to be to see how my thoughts and actions brought me to this place ( by looking at my own old words and thoughts), but also makes me feel fragile, weak, confused, and stuck. I know that this is the path to healing, but I don't know what to do. I am less worried now that I see this as a sickness, a phobia, some kind of mental snag but likewise the pull of it still seduces, convinces, lies, and manipulates so well.
I want to get to the bottom of this problem, to the heart of the matter. To clear the fog, face the demons, and uncertainty, and move on for good. Some how, some way I will. The only other choice is to stay saddled to this misfortune, misery, self-destructive, and wrong thinking. Fuck that. Send that type of thinking to hell, and let it burn.
OLD STUFF
Jan 17th, 2014
My 3 reoccuring triggers are sunset feeling tired and having time on my hands to think about things. I'll start by discussing the time on my hands issue when I have time on my hands I tend to obsess found a catastrophic thinking. there is a sixth form of reinforcement going on logically I know this is unhealthy and is cause more anxiety, yet the,the security of seemingly know in the future brings me back every time. as far as sunset goes, the reason this causes so much anxiety is that I know that I must go to sleep at night. this creates a lady because I have a false believe that my body has failed me when sleeping. time to scan my body,and notice and/or fabricate false symptoms. I really get a visceral reaction to this feeling. to counter this I intend to do cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.
First good night's sleep
Jan. 18th, 2014 at 6:19 PM
me
so,that's promising update - very good news was I was able to sleep through the night! to my knowledge, there was no hypnic jerking at all!not only that but I was oI kind of have to laugh at myself an hour to guess I was being. pleAsant surprised to find out that I thought it was 4 a.m. But really it was 7 a.m..I have to laugh at myself at how ridiculous that I was being. it seems to me that there is a bigger issue brewing c Though. this issue is but how I think in general.although, it is only been a day of meditating I'm already starting to see many of the ways that thoughts affect my perception.the biggest one, is that I have the ability to accept or deny any of my thoughts.this is not easy though sometimes the thoughts feel real but I merely manifestations of my emotions hopes for Fears. I am also be getting to see how thoughts really do have no beginning or end. I do not mean this in some trippy Buddhist Way,I simply mean I get lost in thoughts I forget where they even came from.
January 23rd, 2014
update
Jan. 23rd, 2014 at 6:22 PM
me
in a nutshell I'm frustrated and feel stuck.my sleeping has gotten moderately better,and for this I am thankful,however,I'm still frustrated because I don't know what's going on with my body.the sleep technician during the sleep study said but I did not have sleep apnea, however,the sleep study place called and wants me on a CPAP machine. even more irritating and frustrating is the fact that will not see me for 2 weeks even though I just want to discuss the results of the study with them. additionally I am worried about what happens if I cannot sleep. lastly,is the strange on explain feeling of numbness that still over takes my arms. the other areas of my life that I'm frustrated with include not subbing yet still living in Molly's house.
January 26th, 2014
Don't know what to think anymore
Jan. 26th, 2014 at 6:24 PM
I also am scared of two things in particular - one, going in to a hospital, and two, losing my ability to sleep again. Number one makes me nervous, no longer because I think I am dying or anything, but strictly financially. Even with insurance, it is so easy to go bankrupt or have insurance drop you. Number two, if I lose sleep, I feel that I would lose everything that I have worked so hard for, and it would exasperate all the stress that I am under and force me to actually face that I don't know what is causing the problem.
My insurance kicks in Sat, and worst case I do have a doctor's appointment Wed which I know I can make it until (as I have gone without sleep during the first time), so I know I need to stay strong and not freak out. However, it is so hard and I have never had to be this strong through this sort of trouble. I am almost to the point of my success, but that is what is so hard. Why now? As if there is ever a good time....
February 10th, 2014
It has been a long road to get here - from the craziness of my not being able to sleep, to then finding any cause under the sun to explain what was happening/work myself up into a frenzy, to now having okay sleep but unresolved issues with my sleep. I don't know, I am afraid that I don't completely get it, and that I am so accustomed to being nervous and anxious all the time that this will be my life forever. But I desperately want to change this. Worst case, I do have the medicine I need to keep me from melting down and losing everything until I can see the doctors again, but I am desperate to just be normal without needing any more medicine, drama, or mental pain. In many ways, I feel that I am stuck in the fear mode that is caused by a combo of the insomnia stuff combined with the realization that I have had sleep issues from the past. I am glad that I am writing this as it cathartic, and makes me realize just how much I've needed to sort through these thoughts and feelings.
Why not just stay positive and get over it? Well, this may be an excuse, and I want someone to call me on it, but staying positive just feels fake. I hate it, and am afraid that I am just a negative person. There are a number of reasons that this may be, but I don't feel like going into any of them now. I don't know - I think i tend to say, think, and write that when I am fed up with my own thought process or am on the verge of saying something that is just too honest, too close to home, or too uncomfortable with me to admit. In any case, it is odd that I would so systematically shut down something that can work so well, requires no spirituality, and has a proven track record. Here's my thoughts on that: an honest assessment, and one of the things I don't want to admit, but am forcing myself to:
What if it never gets better? What if this is something I have to live with? Being overly positive would make me feel like an idiot for wasting my emotional time and energy instead of bracing myself and finding ways to be realistic about the situation that confronts me. I also hate that it feels like I am being self-pitying. I think that this is all the strength and courage I have to lay it out like this right now. I want to say more, but don't know how it would come out, or what more there is to say. Also I am happy to at least have a bit of reassurance that what I am doing is a bit of a balancing act, and that so far I have been lucky. At least my symptoms have subsided, there is nothing terribly wrong with me health wise, and that I do have the medical, financial, and emotional support that I need. Also, that I am not crazy for doing the things that I do and have done.
So much has changed, yet so much has not. I am teaching 4th grade at Monroe Elementary School. This is a stressful, whirlwind time that I should have been keeping up with also. Oh yea, and my dad had a double bypass heart surgery on Tuesday (St. Patrick's day). Yet, the real reason that I am writing is be because this last week has been spring break and all I have done is obsess and get myself worked up into a crazy madman version of myself again.
It all started last Thursday, which was the first day of spring break. I had a very, very stressful day and I was worried. I drank a lot of caffeine and then proceeded to take a short nap. When it was time for me to go to bed I went to sleep like normal. Then the twitching happened. Not once, not twice but ALOT. I lost my mind. Even now, I struggle to think about what to do if it happens again in the future.
The past week I have been going through all the old self destructive coping mechanisms. Thinking that if I can "just sleep tonight" that everything will be okay. Thinking that there are things I need to avoid such as caffeine and not getting enough sleep. Thinking about how if I only get 6 hours sleep in the future that it will lead to more twitching, and an inevitable breakdown that spirals into craziness.
After reading all my old posts (which I will include in the bottom) I see how sick in the head that I am. I thought I was over all of this stupidness, I thought it was gone. I thought I was past it! Yet, when I look back and think there were signs that I was still obsessing. Thinking that I needed to fall asleep in front of the TV to go to sleep. Thinking that if I didn't have too much stress that I would be okay. Thinking about when I took a nap, how that would effect me. Being hung-over and being "SURE" that this would be my undoing.
IT'S CRAZY!! PURE CRAZINESS, yet part of me still believes in it all. WHY, WHY, WHY??!! Sometimes it's like I've made no progress, or worse, have gone backwards.
I have an appointment with a therapist April 1st. I want to unravel all this. I want to get better. I need to TRUELY get over this. It is not enough to play the game, it is not enough to have the threat of not sleeping bring me to my knees. It is not okay to spend, or better yet, WASTE my time and my life rehearsing for this made up disaster, to anticipate something that is not materializing.
Well that actually brings me to a secondary point - I think the reason that I am SO thrown off now is that I DID super twitch last Thursday. I got to the point where I thought it wouldn't happen and couldn't but then it did. EVEN IF IT WAS EVER SO BREIFLY. It put me back into the mind frame of fear, of preparing. Of ramping up the 'war machine' to fight this battle and minimize my emotional and physical consequences. Mostly, it rattled my psyche and scared the SHIT out me.
It is a good and weird place to be to see how my thoughts and actions brought me to this place ( by looking at my own old words and thoughts), but also makes me feel fragile, weak, confused, and stuck. I know that this is the path to healing, but I don't know what to do. I am less worried now that I see this as a sickness, a phobia, some kind of mental snag but likewise the pull of it still seduces, convinces, lies, and manipulates so well.
I want to get to the bottom of this problem, to the heart of the matter. To clear the fog, face the demons, and uncertainty, and move on for good. Some how, some way I will. The only other choice is to stay saddled to this misfortune, misery, self-destructive, and wrong thinking. Fuck that. Send that type of thinking to hell, and let it burn.
OLD STUFF
Jan 17th, 2014
My 3 reoccuring triggers are sunset feeling tired and having time on my hands to think about things. I'll start by discussing the time on my hands issue when I have time on my hands I tend to obsess found a catastrophic thinking. there is a sixth form of reinforcement going on logically I know this is unhealthy and is cause more anxiety, yet the,the security of seemingly know in the future brings me back every time. as far as sunset goes, the reason this causes so much anxiety is that I know that I must go to sleep at night. this creates a lady because I have a false believe that my body has failed me when sleeping. time to scan my body,and notice and/or fabricate false symptoms. I really get a visceral reaction to this feeling. to counter this I intend to do cognitive behavioral therapy techniques.
First good night's sleep
Jan. 18th, 2014 at 6:19 PM
me
so,that's promising update - very good news was I was able to sleep through the night! to my knowledge, there was no hypnic jerking at all!not only that but I was oI kind of have to laugh at myself an hour to guess I was being. pleAsant surprised to find out that I thought it was 4 a.m. But really it was 7 a.m..I have to laugh at myself at how ridiculous that I was being. it seems to me that there is a bigger issue brewing c Though. this issue is but how I think in general.although, it is only been a day of meditating I'm already starting to see many of the ways that thoughts affect my perception.the biggest one, is that I have the ability to accept or deny any of my thoughts.this is not easy though sometimes the thoughts feel real but I merely manifestations of my emotions hopes for Fears. I am also be getting to see how thoughts really do have no beginning or end. I do not mean this in some trippy Buddhist Way,I simply mean I get lost in thoughts I forget where they even came from.
January 23rd, 2014
update
Jan. 23rd, 2014 at 6:22 PM
me
in a nutshell I'm frustrated and feel stuck.my sleeping has gotten moderately better,and for this I am thankful,however,I'm still frustrated because I don't know what's going on with my body.the sleep technician during the sleep study said but I did not have sleep apnea, however,the sleep study place called and wants me on a CPAP machine. even more irritating and frustrating is the fact that will not see me for 2 weeks even though I just want to discuss the results of the study with them. additionally I am worried about what happens if I cannot sleep. lastly,is the strange on explain feeling of numbness that still over takes my arms. the other areas of my life that I'm frustrated with include not subbing yet still living in Molly's house.
January 26th, 2014
Don't know what to think anymore
Jan. 26th, 2014 at 6:24 PM
I also am scared of two things in particular - one, going in to a hospital, and two, losing my ability to sleep again. Number one makes me nervous, no longer because I think I am dying or anything, but strictly financially. Even with insurance, it is so easy to go bankrupt or have insurance drop you. Number two, if I lose sleep, I feel that I would lose everything that I have worked so hard for, and it would exasperate all the stress that I am under and force me to actually face that I don't know what is causing the problem.
My insurance kicks in Sat, and worst case I do have a doctor's appointment Wed which I know I can make it until (as I have gone without sleep during the first time), so I know I need to stay strong and not freak out. However, it is so hard and I have never had to be this strong through this sort of trouble. I am almost to the point of my success, but that is what is so hard. Why now? As if there is ever a good time....
February 10th, 2014
It has been a long road to get here - from the craziness of my not being able to sleep, to then finding any cause under the sun to explain what was happening/work myself up into a frenzy, to now having okay sleep but unresolved issues with my sleep. I don't know, I am afraid that I don't completely get it, and that I am so accustomed to being nervous and anxious all the time that this will be my life forever. But I desperately want to change this. Worst case, I do have the medicine I need to keep me from melting down and losing everything until I can see the doctors again, but I am desperate to just be normal without needing any more medicine, drama, or mental pain. In many ways, I feel that I am stuck in the fear mode that is caused by a combo of the insomnia stuff combined with the realization that I have had sleep issues from the past. I am glad that I am writing this as it cathartic, and makes me realize just how much I've needed to sort through these thoughts and feelings.
Why not just stay positive and get over it? Well, this may be an excuse, and I want someone to call me on it, but staying positive just feels fake. I hate it, and am afraid that I am just a negative person. There are a number of reasons that this may be, but I don't feel like going into any of them now. I don't know - I think i tend to say, think, and write that when I am fed up with my own thought process or am on the verge of saying something that is just too honest, too close to home, or too uncomfortable with me to admit. In any case, it is odd that I would so systematically shut down something that can work so well, requires no spirituality, and has a proven track record. Here's my thoughts on that: an honest assessment, and one of the things I don't want to admit, but am forcing myself to:
What if it never gets better? What if this is something I have to live with? Being overly positive would make me feel like an idiot for wasting my emotional time and energy instead of bracing myself and finding ways to be realistic about the situation that confronts me. I also hate that it feels like I am being self-pitying. I think that this is all the strength and courage I have to lay it out like this right now. I want to say more, but don't know how it would come out, or what more there is to say. Also I am happy to at least have a bit of reassurance that what I am doing is a bit of a balancing act, and that so far I have been lucky. At least my symptoms have subsided, there is nothing terribly wrong with me health wise, and that I do have the medical, financial, and emotional support that I need. Also, that I am not crazy for doing the things that I do and have done.