Early Morning sub thoughts, and my future
Listening to spotify. I swear music is my savior. I was getting discouraged because there were no sub jobs until just a minute ago. I dunno, I am just trying to keep from getting discouraged over everything. Right now it feels like time is creeping on, and on, and on. I am trying to savor this as I know I have many positive things in my life such as my near non existent rent, not having to worry about prepping, grading etc., and my parents generously letting me use their car. Also, having a job that is relatively secure. And I do love what I do. And worst of all, that I feel very guilty about is not being thankful enough for my life not going to shit. Think of how far I've come. Think of all I've overcome.
What is it about me that makes it so hard to be satisfied? Why can't I just let go and be happy? I'm just going to say fuck it and try.
I'm going to try to run a half marathon. Why? To get over my fear that exercise will bring about insomnia. And also, as I mentioned above - it's my thinking. It's so negative, so warped and twisted. It's been this way for awhile now and I believe that it is the root of my anxiety. But any case, it is my hope that I can force myself to change my thinking by running. If you can not block out and ignore the negative, there is no way you can run a half marathon. This is my exact thought process and intent.
One other thing that I need to get over - It is that I need to disconnect my notion that the harder you press, the harder you put forth the effort that all of these things automatically and instantly leads to the same results. I have come to terms with the fact that I may not get a full time classroom of my own next year, and I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT want to give up yet, but I just need to learn and accept that more effort does not always equate with the same exponential return that I expect.
I don't know how I will learn these things, but I know I need to and that I will. I just need patience, faith that it will all work out(which I logically do know), and to use a cautious, optimistic, yet still grounded outlook on my life.
The last thing I need to get off my chest is that I wish I could stop analyzing things. I've tried meditation because this is the exact purpose of it, yet it just felt like nothing. Not good nothing, or bad nothing, just a blah, flat, 'why am I doing this?' Who knows there isn't any huge harm in trying again. I should go and get ready for work. Feeling better now that I vented, and this serves to help me establish just how much I need to let go and have an attitude change.
What is it about me that makes it so hard to be satisfied? Why can't I just let go and be happy? I'm just going to say fuck it and try.
I'm going to try to run a half marathon. Why? To get over my fear that exercise will bring about insomnia. And also, as I mentioned above - it's my thinking. It's so negative, so warped and twisted. It's been this way for awhile now and I believe that it is the root of my anxiety. But any case, it is my hope that I can force myself to change my thinking by running. If you can not block out and ignore the negative, there is no way you can run a half marathon. This is my exact thought process and intent.
One other thing that I need to get over - It is that I need to disconnect my notion that the harder you press, the harder you put forth the effort that all of these things automatically and instantly leads to the same results. I have come to terms with the fact that I may not get a full time classroom of my own next year, and I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT want to give up yet, but I just need to learn and accept that more effort does not always equate with the same exponential return that I expect.
I don't know how I will learn these things, but I know I need to and that I will. I just need patience, faith that it will all work out(which I logically do know), and to use a cautious, optimistic, yet still grounded outlook on my life.
The last thing I need to get off my chest is that I wish I could stop analyzing things. I've tried meditation because this is the exact purpose of it, yet it just felt like nothing. Not good nothing, or bad nothing, just a blah, flat, 'why am I doing this?' Who knows there isn't any huge harm in trying again. I should go and get ready for work. Feeling better now that I vented, and this serves to help me establish just how much I need to let go and have an attitude change.