Untitled
Where to begin?? I went through many of my old entries dating back to the days of University of Iowa and even some before then.
Molly and I got married in July. July 20th to be exact. Luke is about to have a baby. Nick bought a house and my dad is finally retired. I live in Charlotte as I have for 2 years. I've been teaching for 4 year. 4 years!
In fact that is what brought me back here, is that I am not sure if I will teach next year. Not by my choosing, there is a complication with the process of keeping my license to teach in NC.
I joined a LGBT rugby team. My close friends and brother and of course Molly know I am bisexual. I've even told a few coworkers.
My anxiety is still here, it feels like it defines me. It winds me into these crazy narratives, in a way it gives me an identify. It tells my story, directs the narrative. I can't even believe it is still here after all these years.
As always as I try to get in touch with my inner thoughts I have an unwavering ability to shut down. I just want to say 'I don't know, I don't know...'
I will sometime get into all that I have yet to put int a journal, but it felt so unnecessary. It felt terribly silly to do it on "LJ." Yet here is where all the moments were captured in my own words and thoughts. I love that I can go back and recapture them. That I can see them with new eyes and a new perspective. I hope to one day have a more complete, if not choppy story of my life.
Molly graduated from grad school. What a change - from freaking out, sure I wasn't going to get a job, sure I was going to have to sub in DSM, sure it would be hard to living here, loving it and wanting all this to continue.
I can not put into words how odd this time is, the not knowing what I'll be doing in the fall, to the not knowing Molly's career etc. I am happy and anxious. So anxious all the time.
I am trying to let go and learn t accept. Most of all I'm trying to make peace with not knowing - to realign my beliefs against what is ahead. Did I make the right decision? Will the move out here be a learning experience or my new life? What should I make of the time in Des Moines - the Monroe years. The years under Laurel and being a new teacher? Will I continue to teach? Will I become more domestic, have kids, a dog, a house, a career or will life go in another direction? Not to mention the politics of late - Trump as president. Trump?! Like for real?!
I guess this is where I'll leave off now, thinking of long forgotten parts of me that have become cartoonish and garish, but still effect me daily. It is strange to realize this, but it is true. I am in therapy using Internal Family Systems to try to sort it all out. I am meditating. Things are changing, but I do not know how or where it will all lead.
Molly and I got married in July. July 20th to be exact. Luke is about to have a baby. Nick bought a house and my dad is finally retired. I live in Charlotte as I have for 2 years. I've been teaching for 4 year. 4 years!
In fact that is what brought me back here, is that I am not sure if I will teach next year. Not by my choosing, there is a complication with the process of keeping my license to teach in NC.
I joined a LGBT rugby team. My close friends and brother and of course Molly know I am bisexual. I've even told a few coworkers.
My anxiety is still here, it feels like it defines me. It winds me into these crazy narratives, in a way it gives me an identify. It tells my story, directs the narrative. I can't even believe it is still here after all these years.
As always as I try to get in touch with my inner thoughts I have an unwavering ability to shut down. I just want to say 'I don't know, I don't know...'
I will sometime get into all that I have yet to put int a journal, but it felt so unnecessary. It felt terribly silly to do it on "LJ." Yet here is where all the moments were captured in my own words and thoughts. I love that I can go back and recapture them. That I can see them with new eyes and a new perspective. I hope to one day have a more complete, if not choppy story of my life.
Molly graduated from grad school. What a change - from freaking out, sure I wasn't going to get a job, sure I was going to have to sub in DSM, sure it would be hard to living here, loving it and wanting all this to continue.
I can not put into words how odd this time is, the not knowing what I'll be doing in the fall, to the not knowing Molly's career etc. I am happy and anxious. So anxious all the time.
I am trying to let go and learn t accept. Most of all I'm trying to make peace with not knowing - to realign my beliefs against what is ahead. Did I make the right decision? Will the move out here be a learning experience or my new life? What should I make of the time in Des Moines - the Monroe years. The years under Laurel and being a new teacher? Will I continue to teach? Will I become more domestic, have kids, a dog, a house, a career or will life go in another direction? Not to mention the politics of late - Trump as president. Trump?! Like for real?!
I guess this is where I'll leave off now, thinking of long forgotten parts of me that have become cartoonish and garish, but still effect me daily. It is strange to realize this, but it is true. I am in therapy using Internal Family Systems to try to sort it all out. I am meditating. Things are changing, but I do not know how or where it will all lead.