Some new life thoughts
Putzing around on Facebook and trolling my e-mail. Didn't feel like getting on here, but as soon as I see the old school blue design and options I am glad and even a bit relieved to be on here.
So the news. Sunday was great. Had a +3 day for disc golf, with the real possibility of a +1 if I hadn't messed up on a whole. Then rode my Bike with Molly. Chatting, laughing. Stopped at the Confluence and had some great craft beers and met a real cool older couple. Even better went to Barcademium, which had cheap beers and free arcade games. Including Area51. I loved that game growing up. At one point I was going full blast, gun in each hand style.
Then to Carl's Place. Shit hit the fan. I brought up how she cheated on me, she called me an alcoholic. I was pissed but we pressed on to La Hacienda. The plan was to get nachos, a margarita, and go home. Only my crazy raging wanting to drink side came out. I wanted to go to the strip club. Keep drinking. Keep raging. And I was pissed that she called me an alcoholic. Maybe because she's right
I haven't drank and don't plan to. I don't feel the 'need' to quit, But Molly mention that when she and I drink we both have a "switch" that once flipped doesn't want to stop at all. And she's right about it. I'm not at the bars every day. I don't drink at home. I don't even overdo it every time. But once I reach the point of a bit past drunk, game on. All bets off. I want to drink until my face can't take it. Past blacked out. Past being dumb. Past walking bad. Past bad decisions. Just breeze past them all. Another thing that worries me is how I blew off the friends I was supposed to chill with because I was too drunk, and blew off going home to learn more guitar songs. Stupid is what it is. And I've been here too many times before.
In other worlds, not sure if I am incredibly excited about my future career, or already becoming disillusioned. I am getting to be very, very good at teaching, at making connections, and at best of all effecting students at a personal, emotional level. But here's the crux. I keep putting out my feelers, keep buttering up who I need to. Performing, and showing that I have what it takes. I know that am better than some teachers who are hired right now. But some schools seem very dedicated to the kids and the betterment of them while others, I show up, see teachers do their thing, get through the worksheets and get out as soon as the bell rings. I submit my application over and over again. Send e-mails. Then.......... nothing. No reply. Is this good, is this bad? The teachers and principals that request me and compliment me. Are they saying 'good job keeping those kids in line while the REAL teacher is gone' or 'Good job, your hard work will be worth it?'
What got me on this scared path is hearing other subs and asking how long they have been doing this for and the say YEARS. YEARS as a sub??!! No. Not me. No FUCKING way. There is so much shit you have to put up with, too many hour, emotions, and training to not have a class of my own.
The district that I am in keeps accepting transfers until July, and I've heard of people being hired days before, or even during the school year. But just waiting in limbo with no sense of where I actually stand is killing me.
Americore is also a cool thing I am looking forward to, and I was told literally ,"this is a direct pathway to a full time teaching career" and that "HR is next door." But again, how much sway do they have? Are they over advertising? I took the job because I love teaching, would accept the on the job training/practice, and to advance my career, but my deep fear is that it will too be a good stepping stone that actually just leads to a different dead end.
At worst, I will have the ability to meet my goals and Molly's. Save for her Grad school. Move and try again to get a classroom. But there is a certain part of me that feels like either A)society owes me or B)I was sold a sham, bad promise. You go to college. You do what your good at. You do what you love as a profession. You get a job. A career. And I am doing something already that is for the betterment of the world. Or so I hope. To educate, to empower, to help students find themselves, their own passions, and their directions. I do genuinely love and believe these ideals. But what if instead, teaching is just about who you know, luck, and performing a task like some monkey? What's to stop me from cutting and running before I end up 45 up in the cliché but all too true reality of kids, a dumb job, and having missed the chance to cut loose and at very least, exploring life? I don't believe that good always wins, and I don't even believe in real good or evil - I do believe that if you want to make a difference you can, and that in a profession like teaching where good qualified people aren't exactly beating down the door or staying then I should be able to do something positive.
I guess right now I am just an alcoholic, teacher hopeful who has no choice but to keep grinding, keep waiting, and keep hoping.
Oh, and one last thing - If I am able to be hired on fulltime in the fall, that makes all the difference. I can finally make good on all my efforts, hopes, and dreams. How I want it so badly.
So the news. Sunday was great. Had a +3 day for disc golf, with the real possibility of a +1 if I hadn't messed up on a whole. Then rode my Bike with Molly. Chatting, laughing. Stopped at the Confluence and had some great craft beers and met a real cool older couple. Even better went to Barcademium, which had cheap beers and free arcade games. Including Area51. I loved that game growing up. At one point I was going full blast, gun in each hand style.
Then to Carl's Place. Shit hit the fan. I brought up how she cheated on me, she called me an alcoholic. I was pissed but we pressed on to La Hacienda. The plan was to get nachos, a margarita, and go home. Only my crazy raging wanting to drink side came out. I wanted to go to the strip club. Keep drinking. Keep raging. And I was pissed that she called me an alcoholic. Maybe because she's right
I haven't drank and don't plan to. I don't feel the 'need' to quit, But Molly mention that when she and I drink we both have a "switch" that once flipped doesn't want to stop at all. And she's right about it. I'm not at the bars every day. I don't drink at home. I don't even overdo it every time. But once I reach the point of a bit past drunk, game on. All bets off. I want to drink until my face can't take it. Past blacked out. Past being dumb. Past walking bad. Past bad decisions. Just breeze past them all. Another thing that worries me is how I blew off the friends I was supposed to chill with because I was too drunk, and blew off going home to learn more guitar songs. Stupid is what it is. And I've been here too many times before.
In other worlds, not sure if I am incredibly excited about my future career, or already becoming disillusioned. I am getting to be very, very good at teaching, at making connections, and at best of all effecting students at a personal, emotional level. But here's the crux. I keep putting out my feelers, keep buttering up who I need to. Performing, and showing that I have what it takes. I know that am better than some teachers who are hired right now. But some schools seem very dedicated to the kids and the betterment of them while others, I show up, see teachers do their thing, get through the worksheets and get out as soon as the bell rings. I submit my application over and over again. Send e-mails. Then.......... nothing. No reply. Is this good, is this bad? The teachers and principals that request me and compliment me. Are they saying 'good job keeping those kids in line while the REAL teacher is gone' or 'Good job, your hard work will be worth it?'
What got me on this scared path is hearing other subs and asking how long they have been doing this for and the say YEARS. YEARS as a sub??!! No. Not me. No FUCKING way. There is so much shit you have to put up with, too many hour, emotions, and training to not have a class of my own.
The district that I am in keeps accepting transfers until July, and I've heard of people being hired days before, or even during the school year. But just waiting in limbo with no sense of where I actually stand is killing me.
Americore is also a cool thing I am looking forward to, and I was told literally ,"this is a direct pathway to a full time teaching career" and that "HR is next door." But again, how much sway do they have? Are they over advertising? I took the job because I love teaching, would accept the on the job training/practice, and to advance my career, but my deep fear is that it will too be a good stepping stone that actually just leads to a different dead end.
At worst, I will have the ability to meet my goals and Molly's. Save for her Grad school. Move and try again to get a classroom. But there is a certain part of me that feels like either A)society owes me or B)I was sold a sham, bad promise. You go to college. You do what your good at. You do what you love as a profession. You get a job. A career. And I am doing something already that is for the betterment of the world. Or so I hope. To educate, to empower, to help students find themselves, their own passions, and their directions. I do genuinely love and believe these ideals. But what if instead, teaching is just about who you know, luck, and performing a task like some monkey? What's to stop me from cutting and running before I end up 45 up in the cliché but all too true reality of kids, a dumb job, and having missed the chance to cut loose and at very least, exploring life? I don't believe that good always wins, and I don't even believe in real good or evil - I do believe that if you want to make a difference you can, and that in a profession like teaching where good qualified people aren't exactly beating down the door or staying then I should be able to do something positive.
I guess right now I am just an alcoholic, teacher hopeful who has no choice but to keep grinding, keep waiting, and keep hoping.
Oh, and one last thing - If I am able to be hired on fulltime in the fall, that makes all the difference. I can finally make good on all my efforts, hopes, and dreams. How I want it so badly.