Hawks, frisbee golf, and sleep
Feeling good, woke up after sleeping in bed all night long. I usually wake up in bed, can't go to sleep, and then have to come down to the couch to fall back asleep. The other weird thing is lately I have been having muscle twitches all the time, not just before bed like before. This made me nervous as I was SURE I was going to not be able to fall asleep because of the twitching, hypnic jerks. It seems that that worry is overblown.
Today it feels like a hurdle has been overcome, but I still fear that if I exercise things will get worse. And also think back to when I ran the 400 meter hurdles in high school. All the hurdles were hard, but the last 50 meters were the hardest. I do not know how close I am to the finish line, but I do know I am far from the starting line, and I believe closer to the finish than the start.
Also that worry is just a way to predict and try to control the future.u> Worriers would rather know/think they know a bad outcome vs. being unsure. I read that awhile back and need to remind myself of that. Also, the fact that when I was doing everything right, I still had the jerks, so who knows? It is all part of me trying, but being unable to simply let go and be.
Last night I jammed with Chris. Well I should say he rocked and I tried to follow along. However, I am inspired now and am trying to learn more new songs. I also need to upload some more pictures including my guitar tattoo. Off subject, but I want another tattoo pretty badly.
So the one thing that I set out to write about was what today has in store as well as the really cool, and hopefully symbolic thing that happened yesterday. As I was driving and thinking about how the stay positive when my anxiety creeps in a hawk flew over my car about 5 feet from the roof of it. It was SOOO cool. In the past, when I was in my very dark and scared period from the no sleep and twitching awake, whenever I needed help or guidance a hawk would appear. There were even several times (at least once for sure, but I think a few)where I thought to myself, I need some guidance, I need some reassurance. Please let me see the hawk to know that something out there is taking care of me. And boom, it would happen. When I have looked up what a hawk represents it is seeing things from a higher perspective. I need that higher perspective. I know I am blocking my own progress but I just don't just don't know how to get out of my own way.
In other news, Molly and I are going to go disc golfing then ride our bikes home. Besides being nervous about starting exercise again, I am super excited. Just the two of us, doing something date like. It should help us along. Hopefully get us out of our funk. Not that we are in major trouble or anything, it's just with me trying to find a new job and her likewise combined with trying to save money, and quite Frankly having been together for so long that it can be hard sometimes to find the romance.
I really wish I could ride my bike across the country camping along the way, meeting people, eating in local diners, getting drunk at local dive bars, seeing the sights. Just forgetting everything. Leaving my own shit behind and best of all, getting outside of my own head.
About worry: I'll probably worry tomorrow. I'll probably find a reason that I will have the jerks. I'll probably think for at least five straight minute several times a day that my life will be over, that I can't handle this, and that, unconsciously, I should try to do all I need to do to prepare for dealing with going back to the twitching time.
In reality it probably won't happen. When it does I do have some control. I can take the Klonopin. If that doesn't work, I'll go to the doctor. Or it may resolve on it's own. Twitching during the day does not mean that it will happen, nor does worry help keep you safe from it happening. This worry does take a toll on you though!! Just breath, stop for awhile, and remember that anxiety, worry, and fear are a means of control. They thrive on attention. They are a 5 year old trying to get a toy and trying every tactic in the bo.U>
But there all BULLSHIT lies:
*"I'm only helping you....."
*"You need to worry because it COULD happen....."
*What will you think about if you don't worry....."
*"You've always worried, your just a worrier....."
*"Think of how bad things could be......."
*"You need to listen to me, I am the 'true' reality....."
*"The physical goings on in your body are telling you to worry...."
*"JUST LISTEN TO ME....."
*"You don't have to think, let me AKA WORRY, do the thinking for you....."
*"Bad things are bound to happen, so worry is a good thing....."
*"I'm in control, not your thought process....."
*"I'll come back, so you might as well listen to me...."
*"When you worry, your actually just being pragmatic...."
Such bullshit. Don't feed your mind bullshit. Feed it love. Feed it care. Admit these feeling. Admit that they will return. But don't listen to them. Don't let them control you. Don't hate them. Love them for what they are, then just move on. It is only fear, and anxiety.
I think most of all, I need to remember this old I believe Buddhist saying:
When a young monk asked a wise sage whether good or evil was more powerful the wise sage remarked :' Good and evil are both like hungry tigers. It is the one that I feed that is more powerful.'
Except of course, mine has to do with fear and courage. Anxiety vs peace of mind.
Today it feels like a hurdle has been overcome, but I still fear that if I exercise things will get worse. And also think back to when I ran the 400 meter hurdles in high school. All the hurdles were hard, but the last 50 meters were the hardest. I do not know how close I am to the finish line, but I do know I am far from the starting line, and I believe closer to the finish than the start.
Also that worry is just a way to predict and try to control the future.u> Worriers would rather know/think they know a bad outcome vs. being unsure. I read that awhile back and need to remind myself of that. Also, the fact that when I was doing everything right, I still had the jerks, so who knows? It is all part of me trying, but being unable to simply let go and be.
Last night I jammed with Chris. Well I should say he rocked and I tried to follow along. However, I am inspired now and am trying to learn more new songs. I also need to upload some more pictures including my guitar tattoo. Off subject, but I want another tattoo pretty badly.
So the one thing that I set out to write about was what today has in store as well as the really cool, and hopefully symbolic thing that happened yesterday. As I was driving and thinking about how the stay positive when my anxiety creeps in a hawk flew over my car about 5 feet from the roof of it. It was SOOO cool. In the past, when I was in my very dark and scared period from the no sleep and twitching awake, whenever I needed help or guidance a hawk would appear. There were even several times (at least once for sure, but I think a few)where I thought to myself, I need some guidance, I need some reassurance. Please let me see the hawk to know that something out there is taking care of me. And boom, it would happen. When I have looked up what a hawk represents it is seeing things from a higher perspective. I need that higher perspective. I know I am blocking my own progress but I just don't just don't know how to get out of my own way.
In other news, Molly and I are going to go disc golfing then ride our bikes home. Besides being nervous about starting exercise again, I am super excited. Just the two of us, doing something date like. It should help us along. Hopefully get us out of our funk. Not that we are in major trouble or anything, it's just with me trying to find a new job and her likewise combined with trying to save money, and quite Frankly having been together for so long that it can be hard sometimes to find the romance.
I really wish I could ride my bike across the country camping along the way, meeting people, eating in local diners, getting drunk at local dive bars, seeing the sights. Just forgetting everything. Leaving my own shit behind and best of all, getting outside of my own head.
About worry: I'll probably worry tomorrow. I'll probably find a reason that I will have the jerks. I'll probably think for at least five straight minute several times a day that my life will be over, that I can't handle this, and that, unconsciously, I should try to do all I need to do to prepare for dealing with going back to the twitching time.
In reality it probably won't happen. When it does I do have some control. I can take the Klonopin. If that doesn't work, I'll go to the doctor. Or it may resolve on it's own. Twitching during the day does not mean that it will happen, nor does worry help keep you safe from it happening. This worry does take a toll on you though!! Just breath, stop for awhile, and remember that anxiety, worry, and fear are a means of control. They thrive on attention. They are a 5 year old trying to get a toy and trying every tactic in the bo.U>
But there all BULLSHIT lies:
*"I'm only helping you....."
*"You need to worry because it COULD happen....."
*What will you think about if you don't worry....."
*"You've always worried, your just a worrier....."
*"Think of how bad things could be......."
*"You need to listen to me, I am the 'true' reality....."
*"The physical goings on in your body are telling you to worry...."
*"JUST LISTEN TO ME....."
*"You don't have to think, let me AKA WORRY, do the thinking for you....."
*"Bad things are bound to happen, so worry is a good thing....."
*"I'm in control, not your thought process....."
*"I'll come back, so you might as well listen to me...."
*"When you worry, your actually just being pragmatic...."
Such bullshit. Don't feed your mind bullshit. Feed it love. Feed it care. Admit these feeling. Admit that they will return. But don't listen to them. Don't let them control you. Don't hate them. Love them for what they are, then just move on. It is only fear, and anxiety.
I think most of all, I need to remember this old I believe Buddhist saying:
When a young monk asked a wise sage whether good or evil was more powerful the wise sage remarked :' Good and evil are both like hungry tigers. It is the one that I feed that is more powerful.'
Except of course, mine has to do with fear and courage. Anxiety vs peace of mind.