Early morning and waiting for a sub job
Stress. How else can I put it? I am frustrated with my insomnia issues flaring up again - 5 hrs sleep and that's it. I'm going to try to up my CPAP pressure setting and see if that helps any. I also am stressed, and surprised that there seem to be no sub jobs available today. WTF? I go from having 5 phone calls a day to nothing. I am even up and ready to go. It kind of feels like life is playing a joke on me - I think I have my sleep stuff figured out, and a good source of income and then, nope. More uncertainty. And I don't do uncertainty well.
So I turn to my mystical. Time to vent - I know what I am doing - I know I am just trying to wrap my brain around the idea of a greater power, or greater purpose for all these things happening. But, why not? My other option is sleep deprivation, a lack of control, and confusion. I admit I'm not being very optimistic in this time, but it is hard when you don't get the refreshing sleep that you need. I am UBER thankful that I am not twitching again, and that if it returns that I can have the help of my doctor to get things corrected, BUT still, why is this happening? Why do I have such a hard time with sleep?
Another subject I want to rant about is learned helplessness - I've read that it occurs to animals that are submitted to painful or traumatic experiences over and over again, and in the course of time lose their will to fight the circumstances. I am not in that boat yet, but the more that the sleep issues linger, the more I feel helpless. And I do not WANT to feel helpless. The ironic thing is I then go crazy trying to find things that will help with my situation - medicine, sleep studies, herbal teas and supplements, but the more I try the more things stay the same. It's infuriating, it is beginning to define who I think I am, and it makes me feel stupid when I think or hear that everything will be okay.' At some point, you have to admit that this kind of thinking is merely a optimistic version of denial.
One last thing, on God. I plan to go out today and write God a prayer. I will be honest, and angry. I will beg for an answer, and I will ask why if I seek do you not hear me? So many others seemed to have had a God experience without desiring it, and so many others say just reach out and God will reach back. But it doesn't seem to happen that way. I feel bad, like if I just believed more than things would be better, or if I could perfect my concentration, then maybe God would cut through the bullshit and give me an answer. Yet, I also know that I believe in science a bit too much to simply have blind faith. It God is real, in my mind, I need to see proof of this. I have seen things that I am happy about like a hawk flying overhead at the times when I need it most, yet, I do live in Iowa the "Hawkeye" state. I am thankful for times like these, but there has to be a more honest, authentic way that God could show itself. Continuing, I am pissed that a God appearance hasn't happened to me. It feels almost blasphemous to admit this, but it's true. And I feel is God exist, than God would understand. I'm not asking for a miracle, just help with my feeling of spirituality, and help sleeping through the night. If God does exist too, I kind of feel like I am slapping him in the face, given that a month ago I was not sleeping at all, and on the verge of a mental breakdown. Things could have been so much worse. And that is what I am afraid of too - things turning bad and ugly quickly again.
Honesty time: there's still another part of me that thinks that maybe God IS working in small ways, and that I'll piss him/her/it off by being so quick to judge. Like God is a parent that gives a child juice instead of candy b/c God knows what the child needs more than the kid, but still I more think that this is wishful thinking. And here's where things get stupid for me: What if medicine doesn't work, my own courage, drive and inner resolve doesn't work, and there is no God to save us. Then your just screwed, life's hard, and you deal with it. But I am not ready for that answer yet. And I can not get across the fact that I envy and desire the great feeling of connectedness, love, and reassurance that people of faith have. I do not want to close the door onto this opportunity. Even if God doesn't exist, there must be some way to connect to something b/c millions of people do and have over thousands of years and there is tons of faith based stories.
That is about all I have for now - my eyes are incredibly heavy, but I worry that I will not be able to get back to sleep. I will wait another half hour until I am really, really tired, and then try again.
So I turn to my mystical. Time to vent - I know what I am doing - I know I am just trying to wrap my brain around the idea of a greater power, or greater purpose for all these things happening. But, why not? My other option is sleep deprivation, a lack of control, and confusion. I admit I'm not being very optimistic in this time, but it is hard when you don't get the refreshing sleep that you need. I am UBER thankful that I am not twitching again, and that if it returns that I can have the help of my doctor to get things corrected, BUT still, why is this happening? Why do I have such a hard time with sleep?
Another subject I want to rant about is learned helplessness - I've read that it occurs to animals that are submitted to painful or traumatic experiences over and over again, and in the course of time lose their will to fight the circumstances. I am not in that boat yet, but the more that the sleep issues linger, the more I feel helpless. And I do not WANT to feel helpless. The ironic thing is I then go crazy trying to find things that will help with my situation - medicine, sleep studies, herbal teas and supplements, but the more I try the more things stay the same. It's infuriating, it is beginning to define who I think I am, and it makes me feel stupid when I think or hear that everything will be okay.' At some point, you have to admit that this kind of thinking is merely a optimistic version of denial.
One last thing, on God. I plan to go out today and write God a prayer. I will be honest, and angry. I will beg for an answer, and I will ask why if I seek do you not hear me? So many others seemed to have had a God experience without desiring it, and so many others say just reach out and God will reach back. But it doesn't seem to happen that way. I feel bad, like if I just believed more than things would be better, or if I could perfect my concentration, then maybe God would cut through the bullshit and give me an answer. Yet, I also know that I believe in science a bit too much to simply have blind faith. It God is real, in my mind, I need to see proof of this. I have seen things that I am happy about like a hawk flying overhead at the times when I need it most, yet, I do live in Iowa the "Hawkeye" state. I am thankful for times like these, but there has to be a more honest, authentic way that God could show itself. Continuing, I am pissed that a God appearance hasn't happened to me. It feels almost blasphemous to admit this, but it's true. And I feel is God exist, than God would understand. I'm not asking for a miracle, just help with my feeling of spirituality, and help sleeping through the night. If God does exist too, I kind of feel like I am slapping him in the face, given that a month ago I was not sleeping at all, and on the verge of a mental breakdown. Things could have been so much worse. And that is what I am afraid of too - things turning bad and ugly quickly again.
Honesty time: there's still another part of me that thinks that maybe God IS working in small ways, and that I'll piss him/her/it off by being so quick to judge. Like God is a parent that gives a child juice instead of candy b/c God knows what the child needs more than the kid, but still I more think that this is wishful thinking. And here's where things get stupid for me: What if medicine doesn't work, my own courage, drive and inner resolve doesn't work, and there is no God to save us. Then your just screwed, life's hard, and you deal with it. But I am not ready for that answer yet. And I can not get across the fact that I envy and desire the great feeling of connectedness, love, and reassurance that people of faith have. I do not want to close the door onto this opportunity. Even if God doesn't exist, there must be some way to connect to something b/c millions of people do and have over thousands of years and there is tons of faith based stories.
That is about all I have for now - my eyes are incredibly heavy, but I worry that I will not be able to get back to sleep. I will wait another half hour until I am really, really tired, and then try again.