Update post vacation
I almost wrote hello all. This is how I start all my e-mails. Funny. In any case I feel the need to let go and put down all the things that have happened since I last wrote. In a nutshell, a super big advancement is that I am sleeping and sleeping quite well. I'll explain some more later on the progression, but for now I have to admit that I am INCREDIBLY frustrated with myself because I am clinging to the fear that I will go back to how things were at Molly's family's house. Nightly my anxiety level grows, and then I have a couple good nights but I still can not convince myself that this is for real. Sleep is still a large issue in my life. It makes me feel guilty, stupid, and helpless that I have it so good AND I am at the place I want to be, but something in me won't let go - won't let me move on. A perfect case in point, last night I had some of the worst jerks that I have had in months. This was in the bed though. I even had a flash of light burst right as I fell asleep. BUT then I came down to the couch and slept perfectly fine. No medicine, no awakenings, 8hrs. But I focus on the bad in exclusion of the good. What the fuck is wrong with me?!
However, there are a few things that help keep me anchored. It seems dumb, and to most people like nothing, but I did take two naps and slept in yesterday. This might not seem like much, but for me it was like striking gold. I genuinely was pleased, ecstatic and felt like things were going back to normal. I just don't know why I can't shake this. I fixate on what's the magic combination - is it exercise, meditation, eating a meal before bed etc. And at the end of the day I know it is strictly mental which then makes me feel even worse because I feel that I am weak because I can not control this all.
I hate to admit it, but if you can't be honest in a journal then why write? Molly is not always helping the situation and has at times made it worse. When I was going through the worst of it she was very supportive and kept me going, but lately it feels like she is judging me. She keeps trying to get me to go to bed with her when she wants even when I know that I am too stressed to sleep in the bed or when I know I am not tired enough to go to sleep. Last night was a perfect example of this. I talked to her this morning because on some level she is right - this is a stupid problem to have. But on another level, she doesn't seem to relate or care what it feels like and the consequences of the actions. I accept these things because I know that this problem has been lingering and I lean on her quite a bit and also know that in her mind she is trying to help me in the best way possible. In reality though it just stresses me out more and makes me feel like less of a normal human.
I am going to update later about the vacation because that was an AMAZING week. Better than I could have predicted. I also made huge progress in the sleep department. Actually what happened was I forgot my medicine - I LOST IT. I thought I was going to go into withdrawls, that I wouldn't sleep during the week, and that I would ruin the vacation. I was even convinced that I would have to begrudgingly beg Molly to go home after I couldn't sleep, and that she would be so let down and upset that she would break up with me. Instead, I slept very fine on nights when I had little sleep the night before, and when I was drunk. Again, things most people don't think about, but for me these were major steps forward. I also was not sure if I could sleep in a bed, which I did.
It comes down to it being so mental. I have good parts of the day where I get it, and I just roll with it. Other times it nags me as an ever present monologue. Rarer still, it consumes me and I have a visceral reaction to the anxiety.
I am going to find a psychologists that I can talk to and hopefully work through these issues. Better still would be learning techniques to use on my own throughout life. I am tired of my own mental games. The 'if I sleep tonight everything will be better', and the 'if I do this all the time I can sleep perfectly', or the 'is this the night where everything fails?'. I guess that is one last thing I want to mention. This is horrible and a perfect sign of being mentally ill - there are times, I hate to admit, when I think for some God unknown reason that the medicine will fail. That I will fail. That there is no hope, and that it is only a matter of time before things go to shit, and then what? But this is not based on fact. This is the left over from the trauma of seeing doctors, them being unable to figure out what was wrong, combined with all the negative information I absorbed by manically going to the insomnia forums. Lastly, there are so many mental images that invade my mind, that I do not want to look at, or acknowledge that they happened. The sleepless nights looking up things on Google. The exhausted days. The time when it would get dark and I would become depressed and anxious. All things I need to unpack.
Now I am just rambling, so I will let myself go. This did help a little bit, but it made me turn my attention to how much work I still have to do. I will overcome this. I will overcome this. I will overcome this. It is stupid, and it needs to vanish and go away forever. I will be successful no matter what.
However, there are a few things that help keep me anchored. It seems dumb, and to most people like nothing, but I did take two naps and slept in yesterday. This might not seem like much, but for me it was like striking gold. I genuinely was pleased, ecstatic and felt like things were going back to normal. I just don't know why I can't shake this. I fixate on what's the magic combination - is it exercise, meditation, eating a meal before bed etc. And at the end of the day I know it is strictly mental which then makes me feel even worse because I feel that I am weak because I can not control this all.
I hate to admit it, but if you can't be honest in a journal then why write? Molly is not always helping the situation and has at times made it worse. When I was going through the worst of it she was very supportive and kept me going, but lately it feels like she is judging me. She keeps trying to get me to go to bed with her when she wants even when I know that I am too stressed to sleep in the bed or when I know I am not tired enough to go to sleep. Last night was a perfect example of this. I talked to her this morning because on some level she is right - this is a stupid problem to have. But on another level, she doesn't seem to relate or care what it feels like and the consequences of the actions. I accept these things because I know that this problem has been lingering and I lean on her quite a bit and also know that in her mind she is trying to help me in the best way possible. In reality though it just stresses me out more and makes me feel like less of a normal human.
I am going to update later about the vacation because that was an AMAZING week. Better than I could have predicted. I also made huge progress in the sleep department. Actually what happened was I forgot my medicine - I LOST IT. I thought I was going to go into withdrawls, that I wouldn't sleep during the week, and that I would ruin the vacation. I was even convinced that I would have to begrudgingly beg Molly to go home after I couldn't sleep, and that she would be so let down and upset that she would break up with me. Instead, I slept very fine on nights when I had little sleep the night before, and when I was drunk. Again, things most people don't think about, but for me these were major steps forward. I also was not sure if I could sleep in a bed, which I did.
It comes down to it being so mental. I have good parts of the day where I get it, and I just roll with it. Other times it nags me as an ever present monologue. Rarer still, it consumes me and I have a visceral reaction to the anxiety.
I am going to find a psychologists that I can talk to and hopefully work through these issues. Better still would be learning techniques to use on my own throughout life. I am tired of my own mental games. The 'if I sleep tonight everything will be better', and the 'if I do this all the time I can sleep perfectly', or the 'is this the night where everything fails?'. I guess that is one last thing I want to mention. This is horrible and a perfect sign of being mentally ill - there are times, I hate to admit, when I think for some God unknown reason that the medicine will fail. That I will fail. That there is no hope, and that it is only a matter of time before things go to shit, and then what? But this is not based on fact. This is the left over from the trauma of seeing doctors, them being unable to figure out what was wrong, combined with all the negative information I absorbed by manically going to the insomnia forums. Lastly, there are so many mental images that invade my mind, that I do not want to look at, or acknowledge that they happened. The sleepless nights looking up things on Google. The exhausted days. The time when it would get dark and I would become depressed and anxious. All things I need to unpack.
Now I am just rambling, so I will let myself go. This did help a little bit, but it made me turn my attention to how much work I still have to do. I will overcome this. I will overcome this. I will overcome this. It is stupid, and it needs to vanish and go away forever. I will be successful no matter what.