Some thoughts and happy place
As usual I don't know what I intend to say - I can start by writing some of the things that I meant to write yesterday but that my phone deleted. What everything that comes down to is that things aren't like I feel that they should be in my schema. Meditation doesn't seem to be working yet, the medicine is helping but I am building up a tolerance so that it is not working very well, and I still am stuck having my worries about my sleep just hanging out in the background, nagging, and never going away. A great question for myself: Is Molly right, and I am making too big of a deal out of it, or is what I consider to be my intuition right and I have a problem that is not resolved? The issue with my intuition is that I do not know if it is being a voice of reason, trying to help me by warning me of an issue, or if my thought process is hijacking my reasoning mechanisms and trying to convince me that what it is saying really is the "truth." A lot of the issue comes back to when I was gasping for breath and could not sleep - It really did have a traumatic effect on my psyche. It is not something that I consciously think about very often, yet it lives deep in my brain and consciousness, like a dragon that I can hear and see the smoke, yet do not dare to try to look it in the eyes.
I do try to keep things balanced here, so I will share the happy news- when meditating today I did get a rough draft of "my happy place" - it is a long, modified ranch style cabin in the woods. It is fall time, with oranges and yellow leaves, half on the ground, half in the trees. There is a great cobblestone fireplace, as well as, big circle window that allows for bright, warm sunlight in. Under this is a wrap around porch, with stained glass windows, on either side of an intricately decorated, hand carved, thick wooden pine door. In the backyard is an old-fashioned caboose. This is the hangout place, and is complete with bunk bed seating, a kitchen, a old wooden table, big screen TV, kitchen, and meditation room. A small creek runs into a pond, where deer come to drink. Maybe a little less than a half mile away there is a green house that sits next to a garden plot where food and flowers are grown. Directly next to this is a large circular labyrinth, that winds to a center spot where an old, dark, cold stone circular temple is. The temple is half in the ground, half out of the ground. The center of the temple has a large arching circle skylight, where are the prime colors stream in. In the temple there is complete silence, and utter peace. Times ceases to exist, and worries do not exist either.
That is what I have so far.
I do try to keep things balanced here, so I will share the happy news- when meditating today I did get a rough draft of "my happy place" - it is a long, modified ranch style cabin in the woods. It is fall time, with oranges and yellow leaves, half on the ground, half in the trees. There is a great cobblestone fireplace, as well as, big circle window that allows for bright, warm sunlight in. Under this is a wrap around porch, with stained glass windows, on either side of an intricately decorated, hand carved, thick wooden pine door. In the backyard is an old-fashioned caboose. This is the hangout place, and is complete with bunk bed seating, a kitchen, a old wooden table, big screen TV, kitchen, and meditation room. A small creek runs into a pond, where deer come to drink. Maybe a little less than a half mile away there is a green house that sits next to a garden plot where food and flowers are grown. Directly next to this is a large circular labyrinth, that winds to a center spot where an old, dark, cold stone circular temple is. The temple is half in the ground, half out of the ground. The center of the temple has a large arching circle skylight, where are the prime colors stream in. In the temple there is complete silence, and utter peace. Times ceases to exist, and worries do not exist either.
That is what I have so far.