After graduation, rut? Nervousness, unease
So I have been trying to think of what to say, do, or write for awhile now. It's the same shit, just dressed up as something else. I have begun to dig into spirituality again and the reason why? Sleep, a restless feeling in my soul, and only the slightest bit of curiosity. If God does exist, he/she, it, the entity surely sees this as a power grab - my insane attempt at getting his will, the universe, whatever you want to call it to do my bidding - Mainly, peaceful, refreshing, restful, and rejuvenating sleep. It's funny that now, as I write this I think of people praying for money, health, guidance, and all I want is sleep.
I am naively hopeful that my attempts as meditating will somehow give me a mystical experience, or somehow calm my nerves when I need it most -at sleep through the night. To be honest, a large part of me knows how ridiculous this is. In a sense, it is like believing in Santa, fairies, or some other power. yet, another part of me genuinely wants to have a spiritual aspect to my life and knows that even if there is no God that there are documented experiences of people who have used a spiritual approach to do amazing things in terms of transforming their lives, and even more intriguingly the physiology of their bodies. I mean, there Buddhist monks can warm their bodies to fight hypothermia, and some cane even control their blood sugar - surely, I can get my body to stop twitching and go to sleep right? Or at the VERY least, calm my mind enough to stop obsessing about my sleep right?
It has been a long road to get here - from the craziness of my not being able to sleep, to then finding any cause under the sun to explain what was happening/work myself up into a frenzy, to now having okay sleep but unresolved issues with my sleep. I don't know, I am afraid that I don't completely get it, and that I am so accustomed to being nervous and anxious all the time that this will be my life forever. But I desperately want to change this. Worst case, I do have the medicine I need to keep me from melting down and losing everything until I can see the doctors again, but I am desperate to just be normal without needing any more medicine, drama, or mental pain. In many ways, I feel that I am stuck in the fear mode that is caused by a combo of the insomnia stuff combined with the realization that I have had sleep issues from the past. I am glad that I am writing this as it cathartic, and makes me realize just how much I've needed to sort through these thoughts and feelings.
Why not just stay positive and get over it? Well, this may be an excuse, and I want someone to call me on it, but staying positive just feels fake. I hate it, and am afraid that I am just a negative person. There are a number of reasons that this may be, but I don't feel like going into any of them now. I don't know - I think i tend to say, think, and write that when I am fed up with my own thought process or am on the verge of saying something that is just too honest, too close to home, or too uncomfortable with me to admit. In any case, it is odd that I would so systematically shut down something that can work so well, requires no spirituality, and has a proven track record. Here's my thoughts on that: an honest assessment, and one of the things I don't want to admit, but am forcing myself to:
What if it never gets better? What if this is something I have to live with? Being overly positive would make me feel like an idiot for wasting my emotional time and energy instead of bracing myself and finding ways to be realistic about the situation that confronts me. I also hate that it feels like I am being self-pitying. I think that this is all the strength and courage I have to lay it out like this right now. I want to say more, but don't know how it would come out, or what more there is to say. Also I am happy to at least have a bit of reassurance that what I am doing is a bit of a balancing act, and that so far I have been lucky. At least my symptoms have subsided, there is nothing terribly wrong with me health wise, and that I do have the medical, financial, and emotional support that I need. Also, that I am not crazy for doing the things that I do and have done.
In a lighter note, I am ecstatic that my career is taking off. I already have one teacher that requested me to come back and teach in her class. Also the dean of students at Lovejoy elementary Also, I am moving out of Molly's house Sat which is very exciting. One last thing that I am excited to pursue is the Buddhist side of life - that all joy is fleeting and that suffering is inescapable. This has brought me great meaning and solace during this time of emotional turmoil and uncertainty. I also do have great moments where I am open to, embrace, pray for, and look forward to receiving/ finding my spiritual side and/or reality if one is to be discovered. Also, it is very fun to realize that I can look back with wisdom an growth at the person I used to be by reflecting on old journal entries.
I am naively hopeful that my attempts as meditating will somehow give me a mystical experience, or somehow calm my nerves when I need it most -at sleep through the night. To be honest, a large part of me knows how ridiculous this is. In a sense, it is like believing in Santa, fairies, or some other power. yet, another part of me genuinely wants to have a spiritual aspect to my life and knows that even if there is no God that there are documented experiences of people who have used a spiritual approach to do amazing things in terms of transforming their lives, and even more intriguingly the physiology of their bodies. I mean, there Buddhist monks can warm their bodies to fight hypothermia, and some cane even control their blood sugar - surely, I can get my body to stop twitching and go to sleep right? Or at the VERY least, calm my mind enough to stop obsessing about my sleep right?
It has been a long road to get here - from the craziness of my not being able to sleep, to then finding any cause under the sun to explain what was happening/work myself up into a frenzy, to now having okay sleep but unresolved issues with my sleep. I don't know, I am afraid that I don't completely get it, and that I am so accustomed to being nervous and anxious all the time that this will be my life forever. But I desperately want to change this. Worst case, I do have the medicine I need to keep me from melting down and losing everything until I can see the doctors again, but I am desperate to just be normal without needing any more medicine, drama, or mental pain. In many ways, I feel that I am stuck in the fear mode that is caused by a combo of the insomnia stuff combined with the realization that I have had sleep issues from the past. I am glad that I am writing this as it cathartic, and makes me realize just how much I've needed to sort through these thoughts and feelings.
Why not just stay positive and get over it? Well, this may be an excuse, and I want someone to call me on it, but staying positive just feels fake. I hate it, and am afraid that I am just a negative person. There are a number of reasons that this may be, but I don't feel like going into any of them now. I don't know - I think i tend to say, think, and write that when I am fed up with my own thought process or am on the verge of saying something that is just too honest, too close to home, or too uncomfortable with me to admit. In any case, it is odd that I would so systematically shut down something that can work so well, requires no spirituality, and has a proven track record. Here's my thoughts on that: an honest assessment, and one of the things I don't want to admit, but am forcing myself to:
What if it never gets better? What if this is something I have to live with? Being overly positive would make me feel like an idiot for wasting my emotional time and energy instead of bracing myself and finding ways to be realistic about the situation that confronts me. I also hate that it feels like I am being self-pitying. I think that this is all the strength and courage I have to lay it out like this right now. I want to say more, but don't know how it would come out, or what more there is to say. Also I am happy to at least have a bit of reassurance that what I am doing is a bit of a balancing act, and that so far I have been lucky. At least my symptoms have subsided, there is nothing terribly wrong with me health wise, and that I do have the medical, financial, and emotional support that I need. Also, that I am not crazy for doing the things that I do and have done.
In a lighter note, I am ecstatic that my career is taking off. I already have one teacher that requested me to come back and teach in her class. Also the dean of students at Lovejoy elementary Also, I am moving out of Molly's house Sat which is very exciting. One last thing that I am excited to pursue is the Buddhist side of life - that all joy is fleeting and that suffering is inescapable. This has brought me great meaning and solace during this time of emotional turmoil and uncertainty. I also do have great moments where I am open to, embrace, pray for, and look forward to receiving/ finding my spiritual side and/or reality if one is to be discovered. Also, it is very fun to realize that I can look back with wisdom an growth at the person I used to be by reflecting on old journal entries.