i never thought
so i'm bored, i usually work the sunday morning shift and come home to an empty house where i actually have the luxury of existing outside my four walls of sanctuary because the drunkards are out to play
so i started to wonder why i spend so much time on my computer because i feel like i was so busy my junior year i couldn't ever get online and now that's all i do so i'm thinking there's something legitimately wrong with me or that i don't care anymore to the point that senioritis has taken over my life, but that didn't make sense because i enjoy work when so it's not laziness and it's not like i don't have any friends, i just don't have that many good ones that i hang out with on a regular basis
i stop at that thought, and i remember one of the reasons bowie meant so much to me was i had 70 brothers and sisters that i got to see every day and who genuinely seemed to notice/care, add to which i had parents who gave a damn (or at least a mom who cared and a stepfather who until recently i had assumed cared), now i have like 2 friends i see on a regular basis and i live with 2 grown ass men (one of which who refuses to get a job and sits at home on his couch drinking until he passes out at 1 in the morning) who epitomize the exact opposite of what i want out of my life
so i realize that as sad as it sounds, this is one of my few connections with real people who are out there, somewhere, and who i might meet some day, and that scares the shit out of me because my only communication at this point with the outside world is a 10x10 computer screen and 20 hours a week at work...not exactly living the good life...
so now i'm looking for alternatives only to realize my only alternatives involve money and i will not have money on me until march because i have to throw down 200 dollars on housing assignment and my drunk bastard father is now demanding my insurance money despite the fact that i gave him 150 dollars in january alone while his miserable ass didn't have a job and i have not seen one penny back...
so basically i only see 2 positives out of this and none of them help me, they are:
1) this shit will not last forever and in 4 months i will be out of this shit hole...as much as that helps keep me sane knowing i'm not stuck in the pit of despair for eternity, 4 months seems like an eternity considering how slowly the last several months have crawled past
2) i will never be so low on the food chain that i have to regularly give my own father money just so i don't get kicked out of his house ever again in my entire life, that at some point in time i will actually be able to decide what i do with my own damn money and i never have to speak to my father again after i graduation...but there's still the whole awkward moving days and the idea of kicking my dad to the curb isn't exactly appealing either...and again all of that takes place 4 months from now assuming he doesn't find some other reason to take money from me
on top of all of this, my car is dieing because the fuck head mechanic i went to did something when he "fixed" my head gasket and water pump and now my car is rattling, so i'm excited about that, and life has been lots of fun since christmas...
basically i'm not okay, and i probably won't be okay for a while so i'm wondering what the hell i can do to keep myself from going ape-shit and getting myself kicked out
basically i would very much like my entire father's side of the family to go the fuck away and never ever ever ever show up in my life again after i walk across that stage and pick up my diploma
so i started to wonder why i spend so much time on my computer because i feel like i was so busy my junior year i couldn't ever get online and now that's all i do so i'm thinking there's something legitimately wrong with me or that i don't care anymore to the point that senioritis has taken over my life, but that didn't make sense because i enjoy work when so it's not laziness and it's not like i don't have any friends, i just don't have that many good ones that i hang out with on a regular basis
i stop at that thought, and i remember one of the reasons bowie meant so much to me was i had 70 brothers and sisters that i got to see every day and who genuinely seemed to notice/care, add to which i had parents who gave a damn (or at least a mom who cared and a stepfather who until recently i had assumed cared), now i have like 2 friends i see on a regular basis and i live with 2 grown ass men (one of which who refuses to get a job and sits at home on his couch drinking until he passes out at 1 in the morning) who epitomize the exact opposite of what i want out of my life
so i realize that as sad as it sounds, this is one of my few connections with real people who are out there, somewhere, and who i might meet some day, and that scares the shit out of me because my only communication at this point with the outside world is a 10x10 computer screen and 20 hours a week at work...not exactly living the good life...
so now i'm looking for alternatives only to realize my only alternatives involve money and i will not have money on me until march because i have to throw down 200 dollars on housing assignment and my drunk bastard father is now demanding my insurance money despite the fact that i gave him 150 dollars in january alone while his miserable ass didn't have a job and i have not seen one penny back...
so basically i only see 2 positives out of this and none of them help me, they are:
1) this shit will not last forever and in 4 months i will be out of this shit hole...as much as that helps keep me sane knowing i'm not stuck in the pit of despair for eternity, 4 months seems like an eternity considering how slowly the last several months have crawled past
2) i will never be so low on the food chain that i have to regularly give my own father money just so i don't get kicked out of his house ever again in my entire life, that at some point in time i will actually be able to decide what i do with my own damn money and i never have to speak to my father again after i graduation...but there's still the whole awkward moving days and the idea of kicking my dad to the curb isn't exactly appealing either...and again all of that takes place 4 months from now assuming he doesn't find some other reason to take money from me
on top of all of this, my car is dieing because the fuck head mechanic i went to did something when he "fixed" my head gasket and water pump and now my car is rattling, so i'm excited about that, and life has been lots of fun since christmas...
basically i'm not okay, and i probably won't be okay for a while so i'm wondering what the hell i can do to keep myself from going ape-shit and getting myself kicked out
basically i would very much like my entire father's side of the family to go the fuck away and never ever ever ever show up in my life again after i walk across that stage and pick up my diploma