Where I rewatch Yugioh GX, episode 69
So Chronos and Napoleon are holding a staring contest right in the middle of a faculty meeting. That sounds about right, given their respective maturity levels. Okay, now they're arguing about the demolition of the Osiris Red dorm, thoroughly demonstrating that the duel we'd just spent two entire episodes on to resolve this shit, was in fact completely pointless. Finally, Chronos calls Napoleon out on acting like his word is law, despite only being the Vice-Principal. Napoleon acts like being temporary principal brings Chronos down to his level on the corporate power chart, which is a load of bullshit, and then...makes him do a 400 word response on why Osiris Red shouldn't be demolished? Chronos just points out that he won't listen, but for no particular reason Napoleon gets to declare that this isn't good enough. For fuck's sake Chronos, JUST FIRE HIM! HE DOES NOTHING FOR THE DAMN SCHOOL, AND YOU'LL HAVE THE BACKING OF THE WHOLE REST OF THE FACULTY, WHO ARE NO DOUBT JUST AS SICK AND TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT AS THE AUDIENCE IS! Oh, and we see Judai's shadow pass by. That is all.
TITLE SCREEN! CHRONOS VS. NAPOLEON! MARCH OF THE TOY SOLDIERS toy soldiers, really?
Oh, wait, apparently that was Shou's shadow, I guess. Anyway, he's just told everyone about how they're going to demolish the Osiris Red dorm, and is anyone going to point out that the third Judai vs. Edo duel was supposed to bring an end to this bullshit? Nope, absolutely not, just whining about how unreliable Chronos is. And speaking of Chronos, now he and Napoleon are making their way to Osiris Red, being incredibly annoying along the way. So, you know, business as usual. Well, it looks like they're going to resolve this bullshit storyline with one final duel, even though that should be completely fucking unnecessary. Seriously, you could just skip this episode...then again, you could just skip this whole fucking series altogether. Why don't I do that? Because I am stupid and full of dumb. Blah blah blah, no points for guessing what Judai's reaction to all this is, and then we get to see Manjoume go back into his room. Wow, that was a worthwhile shot. Everyone tries to drill it into Judai's head that it matters who wins this duel, but Judai, being the witless wonder that he is, just cheers for both side to do his best, and to give him an interesting duel. Say, weren't you told by the Hippy-Space Alien Animal Friends that you were supposed to be fighting the Light of Destruction? Shouldn't you be, you know, getting to that?
Suddenly, there's a construction crew there. Manjoume's in his room, painting it white, while leaving the windows shut. Because that's how people paint their rooms, with minimal to nonexistent air ventilation. Pharaoh, being the most intelligent creature in Osiris Red, and that's counting Daitokuji's soul dwelling in its belly (seriously, the fuck is up with that?), gets out, and now we get some lame trash talk between Chronos and Napoleon. Blah blah blah, Chronos keeps insisting that he doesn't care about the students in Osiris Red though I don't know why, and finally we get to the fucking mediocre, tedious duel of the week. Wait, it's only been five minutes and twenty five seconds, including opening credits? Wow, that really dragged on, didn't it?
Okay, Napoleon's going to go first, and he summons the Toy Soldier in attack position, with 800 attack points. God in hell, why are we even bothering with this duel? Pointless banter from the peanut gallery, Napoleon sets three cards, and ends his turn. Chronos's turn, he plays Graceful Charity, and then he plays Premature Burial, paying 800 life points to bring back the monster he just discarded, Trojan Horse. Napoleon declares that since Chronos just lost 800 life points, he'll take a corresponding chunk out of the Osiris Red dorm itself. So, does anyone plan on letting the faceless, nameless Osiris Red extras in on all this, or did the writers just forget that they exist? Well, in any event, the preliminary demolition results in Manjoume getting his bucket of white paint dropped on him. How wacky. Blah blah blah, Trojan Horse can be used as two sacrifices for the summon of an Earth Attribute monster, so he sacrifices it to summon, what else, Antique Gear Golem. Blah blah blah, Napoleon activates his trap card, Toy Cannon, which switches the opponent's monster to defense position. Oh, and it also does 400 points of damage to the opponent. One weak moment of pseudo comedy later, more destruction of the Osiris Red dorm, more wacky paint spilling hijinks, and I can only hope that the paint Manjoume's using isn't oil based, because otherwise he's fucked. Not that the writers would appreciate that distinction, of course. Blah blah blah, more noise from Napoleon, he activates his second trap card Gulliver Chain, and now Antique Gear Golem has been chained down.
By the way, have I mentioned how shrill and annoying Napoleon's voice is? BECAUSE IT'S REALLY FUCKING SHRILL AND MOTHERFUCKING ANNOYING! HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE GX CASTING AGENCY EVEN THINKING? WHAT, DID THEY THINK THAT THEIR LITTLE PIECE OF RACIST HUMOR WAS JUST SO FUCKING OFF THE WALL THAT THEY JUST COULDN'T DO WITHOUT THE MOST ANNOYING VOICE THEY COULD PUT TOGETHER? Anyway, so long as Gulliver Chain is on the field, Antique Gear Golem will be destroyed if it is ever switched to attack position. Chronos ends his turn, Misawa and Asuka discuss the obvious, and for fuck's sake Judai, do you really not care what happens to your own fucking dorm? Are you really that oblivious and selfish? Fuck, even Shou and Kenzan are beginning to get fed up with Judai...don't count on that lasting very long. Oh, and you sure are contributing a lot to this episode, aren't you, Manjoume? Napoleon takes his turn, and activates Toy Soldier's effect; during the standby phase, he can special summon the rest of the Toy Soldiers in his deck, so now Napoleon's got three of them on the field. Blah blah blah, Napoleon delivers a stupid lecture on battle strategy like anyone gives a fuck, and why the fuck are we doing all these intense close-ups on Napoleon's face? Do the GX writers really hate their fanbase that much?
More blah blah blah, Napoleon activates Forced March; in exchange for reducing their attack power by half, Napoleon's toy soldiers get to attack directly. Blah blah blah, this isn't funny in the slightest, and then Napoleon activates Drum Team, doubling the attack power of all monsters with less than 1000 attack points. So now the Toy Soldier's are back at 800 attack points, and is it just me or is Napoleon's deck really inefficient? I mean, even by the standards of the metagame back then, most duelists would be able to achieve better results in fewer cards than Napoleon. And look, I'm just so fucking bored with this episode, I can't even get worked up into a proper rage over the shitty music cue, it's that fucking tedious. The Toy Soldiers prepare to fire, and...
EYECATCH!
Oh look, Chronos just got hit in the crotch with a cork. Really? Show, you're really descending to THIS for your "comedy"? Sigh...no, lampshade hanging from the Peanut Gallery doesn't help, at all. Blah blah blah, Chronos expresses his philosophy, but in a strained and funny voice, no doubt in an attempt to comedically subvert the touching scene narrative...unfortunately, since this isn't funny, it's still a tediously boring scene, and no amount of lampshade hanging on the part of the peanut gallery will save it. More demolition, and seriously, is Manjoume the ONLY person in the Osiris Red dorm right now? Where the fuck are all the other Osiris Red students? Writers, just because they don't have names, doesn't mean they don't matter! And now Napoleon activates the trap card Unfair Treaty...not to be confused with Despised Treaty. In any event, so long as this trap is on the field, every time Chronos draws a card he takes 100 points of damage, and Napoleon will recover 100 life points. Question, why the fuck didn't he activate that trap on Chronos's first turn? Oh, right, because then Chronos wouldn't be able to win. Real stellar duel composition you've got going on there, GX! And now Napoleon sets one more card to end his turn.
Blah blah blah, and fuck me, Judai's cheering reminds Chronos of that time he dueled the card game playing vampire...frankly, it doesn't surprise me that Chronos didn't want to remember that bullshit chapter of his life. I mean, really, a fucking dueling vampire? Though of course they don't flashback to that, no, that would make too much sense. Instead they just cut to a scene of Chronos lecturing during the first year...and speaking of which, who the fuck's been teaching in Chronos's place while he's been handling Principal Samejima's duties? Oh, and of course, Judai is asleep in this flashback, because actually expecting him to be awake and pay attention in class would be just so fucking unreasonable. Seriously, shut the fuck up Judai. And mind you, this time we're actually meant to read this as a meaningful, touching scene. What a load of goat vomit. Blah blah blah, Napoleon believes that teachers are supposed to teach students and not the other way around, and since he's an ugly little troll he is obviously wrong...seriously show, don't act like this is a meaningful episode now. It's just not becoming, okay? Chronos draws his card, Unfair Treaty's effect activates, Chronos activates Antique Gear Castle, increasing the attack power of his Antique monsters by 300. Then he summons Antique Gear Soldier, and then equips it with Antique Gear Tank, bringing its final attack power to 2200. Chronos attacks, Napoleon can't activate his trap card when Antique Gear Soldier declares its attack, so no Negate Attack for him. One Toy Soldier is destroyed, Napoleon takes 1400 damage, which prompts the construction crew to get off its duff and start fixing up the Osiris Red dorm.
Manjoume complains about the noise, and wow, these guys are fast. I'd complain, but I'm just so fucking bored. Oh wait, Judai just opened his mouth again, now I can be properly pissed. FUCK YOU JUDAI, YOU OBLIVIOUS, SELFISH, CHILDISH, IMMATURE, TIME-WASTING, MORONIC, SUB-HUMAN, DOLT! And now Chronos sets a card to end his turn. Napoleon's turn, he activates Emperor's Coronation, sacrificing a Toy Soldier to special summon Toy Emperor from his deck, which has 2300 attack points. Toy Emperor attacks Antique Gear Soldier, destroying it for 100 points of damage, more damage to the dorm, and when Antique Gear Tank is sent to the grave, the opponent takes 600 points of damage, so the dorm gets fixed up some more. And now Napoleon activates Toy Emperor's effect; when it destroys a monster by battle, he gets to add a trap card from his deck to his hand. He switches Toy Soldier to defense position, and then sets his chosen trap card to end his turn. The trap in question is Trap Hole, which means to that if Chronos normal summons a monster with 1000 attack points or more, it will be destroyed. Blah blah blah from the peanut gallery, shut the fuck up Judai, and Chronos takes his turn, which means Unfair Treaty takes effect one last time.
Chronos then uses Antique Gear Castle's effect to sacrifice it for the summon of Antique Gear Engineer, with 1500 attack points. Napoleon goes to activate Trap Hole, but Antique Gear Engineer negates and destroys any trap card that targets it, so no dice. Napoleon sputters that Antique Gear Engineer is still to weak to defeat Toy Emperor, but that's okay, Chronos uses it to attack the remaining Toy Soldier. It does so, and when Antique Gear Engineer destroys a monster by battle, it gets to destroy a spell or trap card on the field. So boom goes Gulliver Chain, Napoleon proclaims that Chronos screwed up, you can't switch a monster's battle position during the battle phase, and Misawa is forced to hold the idiot ball. Poor Misawa...Seriously Judai, get the fuck out of here, nobody even wants you here. Blah blah blah, stupid banter from Chronos, and he activates his trap card Gravity Release, switching the battle positions of all monsters on the field, so now Antique Gear Golem is in attack position, while Toy Emperor is in defense, and oh, what luck, Toy Emperor has 800 defense points, just what Chronos needed to win. Blah blah blah, this token effort to redeem Chronos as a character fails miserably, Kenzan's approval being the final shame that condemns Chronos to the scrap heap, and finally Chronos attacks and wins. And now Manjoume comes out is all 'WTF'.
Ms. Tome goes to feed the construction crew, Judai whines that they could have made Osiris Red look cooler while they were rebuilding it, and Chronos says not to push it, this is good enough for them. And then we get one last bit of abjectly unfunny, painful un-comedy, as Chronos flees in abject terror from Pharaoh. And oh joy, we get to close on Judai's smug face. Fucking end.
NEXT TIME! Okay, for some reason Obelisk Blue's been painted white, and now Manjoume's gotten everyone else to wear white too, and...oh fuck...it's THIS episode, isn't it? Oh fuck, I don't know that I can take this...I fear that this episode will break me...I just...oh god, I don't know how I'm going to survive this episode. EPISODE TITLE, ASUKA VS. MANJOUME WHITE THUNDER! card of the week is antique gear golem.
Well, that brings an end to the whole 'fate of the Osiris Red dorm' plotline, though it's really not fair to actual, genuine plotlines to call this, a plotline. I mean, what the fuck was the point of all this? Really, this episode just left me too bored for words.
TITLE SCREEN! CHRONOS VS. NAPOLEON! MARCH OF THE TOY SOLDIERS toy soldiers, really?
Oh, wait, apparently that was Shou's shadow, I guess. Anyway, he's just told everyone about how they're going to demolish the Osiris Red dorm, and is anyone going to point out that the third Judai vs. Edo duel was supposed to bring an end to this bullshit? Nope, absolutely not, just whining about how unreliable Chronos is. And speaking of Chronos, now he and Napoleon are making their way to Osiris Red, being incredibly annoying along the way. So, you know, business as usual. Well, it looks like they're going to resolve this bullshit storyline with one final duel, even though that should be completely fucking unnecessary. Seriously, you could just skip this episode...then again, you could just skip this whole fucking series altogether. Why don't I do that? Because I am stupid and full of dumb. Blah blah blah, no points for guessing what Judai's reaction to all this is, and then we get to see Manjoume go back into his room. Wow, that was a worthwhile shot. Everyone tries to drill it into Judai's head that it matters who wins this duel, but Judai, being the witless wonder that he is, just cheers for both side to do his best, and to give him an interesting duel. Say, weren't you told by the Hippy-Space Alien Animal Friends that you were supposed to be fighting the Light of Destruction? Shouldn't you be, you know, getting to that?
Suddenly, there's a construction crew there. Manjoume's in his room, painting it white, while leaving the windows shut. Because that's how people paint their rooms, with minimal to nonexistent air ventilation. Pharaoh, being the most intelligent creature in Osiris Red, and that's counting Daitokuji's soul dwelling in its belly (seriously, the fuck is up with that?), gets out, and now we get some lame trash talk between Chronos and Napoleon. Blah blah blah, Chronos keeps insisting that he doesn't care about the students in Osiris Red though I don't know why, and finally we get to the fucking mediocre, tedious duel of the week. Wait, it's only been five minutes and twenty five seconds, including opening credits? Wow, that really dragged on, didn't it?
Okay, Napoleon's going to go first, and he summons the Toy Soldier in attack position, with 800 attack points. God in hell, why are we even bothering with this duel? Pointless banter from the peanut gallery, Napoleon sets three cards, and ends his turn. Chronos's turn, he plays Graceful Charity, and then he plays Premature Burial, paying 800 life points to bring back the monster he just discarded, Trojan Horse. Napoleon declares that since Chronos just lost 800 life points, he'll take a corresponding chunk out of the Osiris Red dorm itself. So, does anyone plan on letting the faceless, nameless Osiris Red extras in on all this, or did the writers just forget that they exist? Well, in any event, the preliminary demolition results in Manjoume getting his bucket of white paint dropped on him. How wacky. Blah blah blah, Trojan Horse can be used as two sacrifices for the summon of an Earth Attribute monster, so he sacrifices it to summon, what else, Antique Gear Golem. Blah blah blah, Napoleon activates his trap card, Toy Cannon, which switches the opponent's monster to defense position. Oh, and it also does 400 points of damage to the opponent. One weak moment of pseudo comedy later, more destruction of the Osiris Red dorm, more wacky paint spilling hijinks, and I can only hope that the paint Manjoume's using isn't oil based, because otherwise he's fucked. Not that the writers would appreciate that distinction, of course. Blah blah blah, more noise from Napoleon, he activates his second trap card Gulliver Chain, and now Antique Gear Golem has been chained down.
By the way, have I mentioned how shrill and annoying Napoleon's voice is? BECAUSE IT'S REALLY FUCKING SHRILL AND MOTHERFUCKING ANNOYING! HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE GX CASTING AGENCY EVEN THINKING? WHAT, DID THEY THINK THAT THEIR LITTLE PIECE OF RACIST HUMOR WAS JUST SO FUCKING OFF THE WALL THAT THEY JUST COULDN'T DO WITHOUT THE MOST ANNOYING VOICE THEY COULD PUT TOGETHER? Anyway, so long as Gulliver Chain is on the field, Antique Gear Golem will be destroyed if it is ever switched to attack position. Chronos ends his turn, Misawa and Asuka discuss the obvious, and for fuck's sake Judai, do you really not care what happens to your own fucking dorm? Are you really that oblivious and selfish? Fuck, even Shou and Kenzan are beginning to get fed up with Judai...don't count on that lasting very long. Oh, and you sure are contributing a lot to this episode, aren't you, Manjoume? Napoleon takes his turn, and activates Toy Soldier's effect; during the standby phase, he can special summon the rest of the Toy Soldiers in his deck, so now Napoleon's got three of them on the field. Blah blah blah, Napoleon delivers a stupid lecture on battle strategy like anyone gives a fuck, and why the fuck are we doing all these intense close-ups on Napoleon's face? Do the GX writers really hate their fanbase that much?
More blah blah blah, Napoleon activates Forced March; in exchange for reducing their attack power by half, Napoleon's toy soldiers get to attack directly. Blah blah blah, this isn't funny in the slightest, and then Napoleon activates Drum Team, doubling the attack power of all monsters with less than 1000 attack points. So now the Toy Soldier's are back at 800 attack points, and is it just me or is Napoleon's deck really inefficient? I mean, even by the standards of the metagame back then, most duelists would be able to achieve better results in fewer cards than Napoleon. And look, I'm just so fucking bored with this episode, I can't even get worked up into a proper rage over the shitty music cue, it's that fucking tedious. The Toy Soldiers prepare to fire, and...
EYECATCH!
Oh look, Chronos just got hit in the crotch with a cork. Really? Show, you're really descending to THIS for your "comedy"? Sigh...no, lampshade hanging from the Peanut Gallery doesn't help, at all. Blah blah blah, Chronos expresses his philosophy, but in a strained and funny voice, no doubt in an attempt to comedically subvert the touching scene narrative...unfortunately, since this isn't funny, it's still a tediously boring scene, and no amount of lampshade hanging on the part of the peanut gallery will save it. More demolition, and seriously, is Manjoume the ONLY person in the Osiris Red dorm right now? Where the fuck are all the other Osiris Red students? Writers, just because they don't have names, doesn't mean they don't matter! And now Napoleon activates the trap card Unfair Treaty...not to be confused with Despised Treaty. In any event, so long as this trap is on the field, every time Chronos draws a card he takes 100 points of damage, and Napoleon will recover 100 life points. Question, why the fuck didn't he activate that trap on Chronos's first turn? Oh, right, because then Chronos wouldn't be able to win. Real stellar duel composition you've got going on there, GX! And now Napoleon sets one more card to end his turn.
Blah blah blah, and fuck me, Judai's cheering reminds Chronos of that time he dueled the card game playing vampire...frankly, it doesn't surprise me that Chronos didn't want to remember that bullshit chapter of his life. I mean, really, a fucking dueling vampire? Though of course they don't flashback to that, no, that would make too much sense. Instead they just cut to a scene of Chronos lecturing during the first year...and speaking of which, who the fuck's been teaching in Chronos's place while he's been handling Principal Samejima's duties? Oh, and of course, Judai is asleep in this flashback, because actually expecting him to be awake and pay attention in class would be just so fucking unreasonable. Seriously, shut the fuck up Judai. And mind you, this time we're actually meant to read this as a meaningful, touching scene. What a load of goat vomit. Blah blah blah, Napoleon believes that teachers are supposed to teach students and not the other way around, and since he's an ugly little troll he is obviously wrong...seriously show, don't act like this is a meaningful episode now. It's just not becoming, okay? Chronos draws his card, Unfair Treaty's effect activates, Chronos activates Antique Gear Castle, increasing the attack power of his Antique monsters by 300. Then he summons Antique Gear Soldier, and then equips it with Antique Gear Tank, bringing its final attack power to 2200. Chronos attacks, Napoleon can't activate his trap card when Antique Gear Soldier declares its attack, so no Negate Attack for him. One Toy Soldier is destroyed, Napoleon takes 1400 damage, which prompts the construction crew to get off its duff and start fixing up the Osiris Red dorm.
Manjoume complains about the noise, and wow, these guys are fast. I'd complain, but I'm just so fucking bored. Oh wait, Judai just opened his mouth again, now I can be properly pissed. FUCK YOU JUDAI, YOU OBLIVIOUS, SELFISH, CHILDISH, IMMATURE, TIME-WASTING, MORONIC, SUB-HUMAN, DOLT! And now Chronos sets a card to end his turn. Napoleon's turn, he activates Emperor's Coronation, sacrificing a Toy Soldier to special summon Toy Emperor from his deck, which has 2300 attack points. Toy Emperor attacks Antique Gear Soldier, destroying it for 100 points of damage, more damage to the dorm, and when Antique Gear Tank is sent to the grave, the opponent takes 600 points of damage, so the dorm gets fixed up some more. And now Napoleon activates Toy Emperor's effect; when it destroys a monster by battle, he gets to add a trap card from his deck to his hand. He switches Toy Soldier to defense position, and then sets his chosen trap card to end his turn. The trap in question is Trap Hole, which means to that if Chronos normal summons a monster with 1000 attack points or more, it will be destroyed. Blah blah blah from the peanut gallery, shut the fuck up Judai, and Chronos takes his turn, which means Unfair Treaty takes effect one last time.
Chronos then uses Antique Gear Castle's effect to sacrifice it for the summon of Antique Gear Engineer, with 1500 attack points. Napoleon goes to activate Trap Hole, but Antique Gear Engineer negates and destroys any trap card that targets it, so no dice. Napoleon sputters that Antique Gear Engineer is still to weak to defeat Toy Emperor, but that's okay, Chronos uses it to attack the remaining Toy Soldier. It does so, and when Antique Gear Engineer destroys a monster by battle, it gets to destroy a spell or trap card on the field. So boom goes Gulliver Chain, Napoleon proclaims that Chronos screwed up, you can't switch a monster's battle position during the battle phase, and Misawa is forced to hold the idiot ball. Poor Misawa...Seriously Judai, get the fuck out of here, nobody even wants you here. Blah blah blah, stupid banter from Chronos, and he activates his trap card Gravity Release, switching the battle positions of all monsters on the field, so now Antique Gear Golem is in attack position, while Toy Emperor is in defense, and oh, what luck, Toy Emperor has 800 defense points, just what Chronos needed to win. Blah blah blah, this token effort to redeem Chronos as a character fails miserably, Kenzan's approval being the final shame that condemns Chronos to the scrap heap, and finally Chronos attacks and wins. And now Manjoume comes out is all 'WTF'.
Ms. Tome goes to feed the construction crew, Judai whines that they could have made Osiris Red look cooler while they were rebuilding it, and Chronos says not to push it, this is good enough for them. And then we get one last bit of abjectly unfunny, painful un-comedy, as Chronos flees in abject terror from Pharaoh. And oh joy, we get to close on Judai's smug face. Fucking end.
NEXT TIME! Okay, for some reason Obelisk Blue's been painted white, and now Manjoume's gotten everyone else to wear white too, and...oh fuck...it's THIS episode, isn't it? Oh fuck, I don't know that I can take this...I fear that this episode will break me...I just...oh god, I don't know how I'm going to survive this episode. EPISODE TITLE, ASUKA VS. MANJOUME WHITE THUNDER! card of the week is antique gear golem.
Well, that brings an end to the whole 'fate of the Osiris Red dorm' plotline, though it's really not fair to actual, genuine plotlines to call this, a plotline. I mean, what the fuck was the point of all this? Really, this episode just left me too bored for words.