Yeas and Nays for Today
Actually most of this is from news stories last week, but my title is sort of a running thing, and it rhymes, so heregoes anyhow.
Nay:
To all the negative media attention to Michael Phelps. The American Olympic swimmer won 77 gold medals--or something like that--in the Beijing Olympics and subsequently made millions of dollars trying to sell Americans shit they don't need. He was disgraced last week when a picture emerged of him hitting a bong. The American Olympic team banned him from competing for three months and he lost all his sponsorship dollars.
Why? Because weed is harmful to your health? No, that's been proven untrue. Because weed is addicting? No, the evidence is solid to the contrary there too. Oh, it's because weed is illegal even though no one can adequately explain why. Yeah, that's it. The outrage I've heard (again, the old "what about the children who look up to him?!" rant has surfaced) is appalling. All it speaks to in my book is that the federal government and the Partnership for a Drug Free America (which is nothing more than a lobbying arm of the pharmaceutical industries) have successfully demonized pot in the eyes of a large portion of the American public. Bill Curtis and Tony the Tiger no longer want to pal around with a stoner.
If Phelps wants to really make a difference, not just prove that splashing around in an oversized, chlorinated bathtub can make one an overnight success, he should become the poster child for NORMAL and other proponents of marijuana legalization. And for that matter, if he can get baked and still swim the way he does, not just lie around on the couch eating cake icing and watching Judd Apatow movies, then we ought to double his medal count on principle.
Nay:
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but to President Obama. Last Thursday, after wasting time he could have spent working on real problems, he attended a national prayer breakfast because, I guess, talking to a giant imaginary Santa Claus in the sky might actually help heal our deeply-wounded economy. OK, whatever. We all need a break. I read comic books, he talks to the leader of the Land of Make Believe, and neither are exactly productive. But why then did he have to by executive order create the Office of Faith Based Initiatives?
OK, I'll admit he's not perfect now. Not only is this a waste of money and efforts, a gross breaching of the wall between church and state, but it is also a continuation of 8 years of a Bush program, which alone should give him reason to dismantle the entire program.
I was so proud when Obama mentioned that we are no longer just a Christian nation, mention there are also Jews, Muslims, Hindus and "Non-believers." Just to hear my ilk get recognized was exhilarating. Bush Sr. claimed that atheists were not citizens since this was "one nation under god." I just thought about how far we've come. Now we've taken a step back.
As Bill Maher so astutely pointed out, "September 11th was a faith-based initiative." Stop funneling tax dollars into shit that should lose its validity to a person the same time he or she finds out there is no Easter Bunny. Charity need not have the stamp of religion on it to be effective.
Yea:
To President Obama. I was almost ready to do a separate blog blasting Obama and his insistence on bipartisanship. I understand he doesn't want to do what Bush did and polarize the nation deeply. But as the talk of this new stimulus package circulated, Republicans dashed to the attack. After compromises (that is to say removing funding for more controversial steps like stem-cell research and looking out for the rich by adding corporate tax cuts) to appease the GOP, it passed the House without a single Republican vote. The Senate votes on Tuesday, and it doesn't look like many if any elephants will be trumpeting "yea" to it either.
Last Friday, however, Obama got tough, pointing out finally exactly what I've been saying, that these dire consequences are a direct result of a Republican president and Republican deregulation from Congress. What authority do the Republicans have to fix the economy? Zero. Or as Obama so succinctly put it, "I won."
Still, there's opposition from the likes of Senator John Boehner who asked of the spending within the bill, "How can you spend hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives? How does that stimulate the economy?" Oh, let's see: more fucking equals happier, more confident workers, and, oh yeah -- less babies means less mouths to feed and less of a drag on families! Wasn't that one self explanatory? I guess Republicans don't get that because they either are deathly afraid of sex or don't have to worry because you can't impregnate another man by cumming in his asshole.
At any rate, I know the Prez is busy, so let me make it easy for him. He's been stern, but perhaps not stern enough. Let me give him his next talking point:
"The last recession was brought about by failed policies of Reagan and Bush, Sr. It was fixed by a Democrat. This recession is a direct result of the last Bush, and again the Democrats are called on to fix it--called on by a mandate over the past two election cycles. The Republicans who stand in the way of this bill's passage are not being patriotic, they are only being obstructionists. We will pass the bill with or without their support, and in a few years when we're basking in the sunny glow of economic success once more, remember who tried to keep clouds afloat to cover up this warmth. To all you Republicans, I will make it this simple: a vote against this bill is a vote against the American economy and the financial well-being of all Americans."
Yes, I know the last line is a straw man fallacy, but they don't matter in politics anyway. Now, for fuck's sake, on with the condoms.
Yea:
For more sex on Capitol Hill! A website called Draft Stormy is gathering signatures to push exotic dancer and adult entertainer Stormy Daniel into a run for Senate. Between gay sex scandals for Republicans, sex scandals in general, and a large clientele base visiting the D.C. madame (including incumbent David Vitter whom Daniels would be running against if nominated), we all know everyone there are Superfreaks anyways. Why not just have one who is open about it?
And after all these years of watching Congress fuck us, wouldn't it be nice to do a quick web search and watch a member of Congress getting fucked by an average Joe?
Nay:
14-year old Danny Johnson of Grapevine, Texas made news this morning for setting a new world record. He scored 890,971 on Guitar Hero. Wow. What breaking news! I hope they cut into regularly scheduled programming for that one.
Congratulations, Danny. You truly are a Guitar Hero. Well, except that true Guitar Heroes live in posh mansions or penthouses and are up to their elbow in trim. You, on the other hand, have a bright future or stocking shelves, never moving out of your mother's basement, and never ever under any circumstances ever getting laid. Keep gaming, Danny, and the most action you'll get is whacking off to digital pictures of Lara Croft in a wild orgy with Princess Toadstool and the D.O.A. gals.
Yea:
For juicy celebrity gossip! Beyonce and Etta James feuding! Christian Bale's a dick! Ashely Judd and Sarah Palin trade barbs! Jessica Simpson is fat and crazy! Why don't we just have a giant celebrity free-for-all? Ticket sales from that might boost the economy.
First round: Jessica Simpson vs. herself. After internet buzz surfaced of Jessica's new, plumper body, she apparently had a meltdown on stage, forgetting words and storming off crying. (Sounds a lot like lil' sis on SNL, eh?) I'm amazed we still are even talking about a hasbeen who would have been a neverwas save for the size of those cans. She was bound for a meltdown and eating binge. Hell, she's overdue. Next step, The Surreal Life. But if there's one thing I would love to see, it's a schizo Jess punching herself in the face until she drops.
Round Two: Beyonce vs. Etta. Etta James, after insulting the new president, said during a performance in Seattle that she couldn't stand the upstart Diva and would "whoop her ass." All because the prez chose Knowles to sing James's signature song "At Last" during his Inaugural Ball. Let's see: Beyonce is the hottest ticket going today, consistently selling out stadiums and venues. Etta James is performing at casinos on Indian Reservations and doing Viagra conventions in Salt Lake City. Good call, Mr. Prez. And it should be a good fight--Beyonce clearly has youth and health on her side, but if James can manage to swing the weight to her advantage... Oh, and special guest referee for this bout: Michelle Obama.
Round Three: Christian Bale vs. Russell Crowe. Ok, these two don't exactly have a beef with each other, but they are in the running for biggest truly talented star who throws tantrums like a four year old. Let's settle it once and for all. We need to get Russ out of hiding anyway. What has he done since 4:20 to Yo-Yo Ma or whatever that cowboy movie was? It's a lot like Round Two, two divas going at it. Granted these two have more chest hair, though Etta may challenge that notion. At any rate, this is Batman vs. Maximus Decimus Meridius, the Dark Knight vs. the Spaniard. That's gold. One rule, though, no foreign objects. So put down that phone, Russell!
Main Event: Ashley Judd vs. Sarah Palin, nude and in Jell-O! Come on, haven't most males already had this dream, even before the two women started arguing about whether or not it was inhumane to shoot wolves from helicopters? Yes, Palin has borne seventeen kids and probably won't look great nude. Yes, every man in America has seen all of Judd's intimate parts before. Oh, and she was nude in a few movies too. Still, something about the allure of nude women rolling over each other in gelatin with a grudge backstory...wow! We can forgive the stretch marks and pauches. If nothing else, it might teach us men to further appreciate control-top undergarments. Talk about an economic stimulus, every household in America would buy this on Pay Per View! Talk about stimulus of other regions. Or better yet, let's not.
Oh, but one final clause, win or lose, the evening is capped with putting the Jell-O covered Palin into a steel cage full or snarling, ravenous wolves.
And finally, Yea:
For Axe body wash! I just purchased their new flavor: Fire. It smells like Tang! Those who don't know me may not understand my childhood infatuation with Tang, but suffice to say it ranked just under my inappropriate desire for Betty Rubble. I would have killed to bathe in Tang as a child, and now I can.
And the good thing is it smells less like the liquid and more like the powder, which was what I really loved. I would get a tablespoon and down that shit like it was a bastardized cousin of the Pixie Stick. Had I been aware of cocaine abuse in my childhood, I would have snorted it. (Though I seriously doubt that would have been as pleasurable as it sounds.) I was the inventor of the Tang-wich. (Again, not quite as alluring as it seemed to a kindergartner.)
I can't wait til they come out with the bath beads that smell like Ovaltine!
And with that, I shall gracefully call my rant complete. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bowl to smoke with Michael Phelps. I think I'll challenge him to a game of Guitar Hero afterwards.
Nay:
To all the negative media attention to Michael Phelps. The American Olympic swimmer won 77 gold medals--or something like that--in the Beijing Olympics and subsequently made millions of dollars trying to sell Americans shit they don't need. He was disgraced last week when a picture emerged of him hitting a bong. The American Olympic team banned him from competing for three months and he lost all his sponsorship dollars.
Why? Because weed is harmful to your health? No, that's been proven untrue. Because weed is addicting? No, the evidence is solid to the contrary there too. Oh, it's because weed is illegal even though no one can adequately explain why. Yeah, that's it. The outrage I've heard (again, the old "what about the children who look up to him?!" rant has surfaced) is appalling. All it speaks to in my book is that the federal government and the Partnership for a Drug Free America (which is nothing more than a lobbying arm of the pharmaceutical industries) have successfully demonized pot in the eyes of a large portion of the American public. Bill Curtis and Tony the Tiger no longer want to pal around with a stoner.
If Phelps wants to really make a difference, not just prove that splashing around in an oversized, chlorinated bathtub can make one an overnight success, he should become the poster child for NORMAL and other proponents of marijuana legalization. And for that matter, if he can get baked and still swim the way he does, not just lie around on the couch eating cake icing and watching Judd Apatow movies, then we ought to double his medal count on principle.
Nay:
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but to President Obama. Last Thursday, after wasting time he could have spent working on real problems, he attended a national prayer breakfast because, I guess, talking to a giant imaginary Santa Claus in the sky might actually help heal our deeply-wounded economy. OK, whatever. We all need a break. I read comic books, he talks to the leader of the Land of Make Believe, and neither are exactly productive. But why then did he have to by executive order create the Office of Faith Based Initiatives?
OK, I'll admit he's not perfect now. Not only is this a waste of money and efforts, a gross breaching of the wall between church and state, but it is also a continuation of 8 years of a Bush program, which alone should give him reason to dismantle the entire program.
I was so proud when Obama mentioned that we are no longer just a Christian nation, mention there are also Jews, Muslims, Hindus and "Non-believers." Just to hear my ilk get recognized was exhilarating. Bush Sr. claimed that atheists were not citizens since this was "one nation under god." I just thought about how far we've come. Now we've taken a step back.
As Bill Maher so astutely pointed out, "September 11th was a faith-based initiative." Stop funneling tax dollars into shit that should lose its validity to a person the same time he or she finds out there is no Easter Bunny. Charity need not have the stamp of religion on it to be effective.
Yea:
To President Obama. I was almost ready to do a separate blog blasting Obama and his insistence on bipartisanship. I understand he doesn't want to do what Bush did and polarize the nation deeply. But as the talk of this new stimulus package circulated, Republicans dashed to the attack. After compromises (that is to say removing funding for more controversial steps like stem-cell research and looking out for the rich by adding corporate tax cuts) to appease the GOP, it passed the House without a single Republican vote. The Senate votes on Tuesday, and it doesn't look like many if any elephants will be trumpeting "yea" to it either.
Last Friday, however, Obama got tough, pointing out finally exactly what I've been saying, that these dire consequences are a direct result of a Republican president and Republican deregulation from Congress. What authority do the Republicans have to fix the economy? Zero. Or as Obama so succinctly put it, "I won."
Still, there's opposition from the likes of Senator John Boehner who asked of the spending within the bill, "How can you spend hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives? How does that stimulate the economy?" Oh, let's see: more fucking equals happier, more confident workers, and, oh yeah -- less babies means less mouths to feed and less of a drag on families! Wasn't that one self explanatory? I guess Republicans don't get that because they either are deathly afraid of sex or don't have to worry because you can't impregnate another man by cumming in his asshole.
At any rate, I know the Prez is busy, so let me make it easy for him. He's been stern, but perhaps not stern enough. Let me give him his next talking point:
"The last recession was brought about by failed policies of Reagan and Bush, Sr. It was fixed by a Democrat. This recession is a direct result of the last Bush, and again the Democrats are called on to fix it--called on by a mandate over the past two election cycles. The Republicans who stand in the way of this bill's passage are not being patriotic, they are only being obstructionists. We will pass the bill with or without their support, and in a few years when we're basking in the sunny glow of economic success once more, remember who tried to keep clouds afloat to cover up this warmth. To all you Republicans, I will make it this simple: a vote against this bill is a vote against the American economy and the financial well-being of all Americans."
Yes, I know the last line is a straw man fallacy, but they don't matter in politics anyway. Now, for fuck's sake, on with the condoms.
Yea:
For more sex on Capitol Hill! A website called Draft Stormy is gathering signatures to push exotic dancer and adult entertainer Stormy Daniel into a run for Senate. Between gay sex scandals for Republicans, sex scandals in general, and a large clientele base visiting the D.C. madame (including incumbent David Vitter whom Daniels would be running against if nominated), we all know everyone there are Superfreaks anyways. Why not just have one who is open about it?
And after all these years of watching Congress fuck us, wouldn't it be nice to do a quick web search and watch a member of Congress getting fucked by an average Joe?
Nay:
14-year old Danny Johnson of Grapevine, Texas made news this morning for setting a new world record. He scored 890,971 on Guitar Hero. Wow. What breaking news! I hope they cut into regularly scheduled programming for that one.
Congratulations, Danny. You truly are a Guitar Hero. Well, except that true Guitar Heroes live in posh mansions or penthouses and are up to their elbow in trim. You, on the other hand, have a bright future or stocking shelves, never moving out of your mother's basement, and never ever under any circumstances ever getting laid. Keep gaming, Danny, and the most action you'll get is whacking off to digital pictures of Lara Croft in a wild orgy with Princess Toadstool and the D.O.A. gals.
Yea:
For juicy celebrity gossip! Beyonce and Etta James feuding! Christian Bale's a dick! Ashely Judd and Sarah Palin trade barbs! Jessica Simpson is fat and crazy! Why don't we just have a giant celebrity free-for-all? Ticket sales from that might boost the economy.
First round: Jessica Simpson vs. herself. After internet buzz surfaced of Jessica's new, plumper body, she apparently had a meltdown on stage, forgetting words and storming off crying. (Sounds a lot like lil' sis on SNL, eh?) I'm amazed we still are even talking about a hasbeen who would have been a neverwas save for the size of those cans. She was bound for a meltdown and eating binge. Hell, she's overdue. Next step, The Surreal Life. But if there's one thing I would love to see, it's a schizo Jess punching herself in the face until she drops.
Round Two: Beyonce vs. Etta. Etta James, after insulting the new president, said during a performance in Seattle that she couldn't stand the upstart Diva and would "whoop her ass." All because the prez chose Knowles to sing James's signature song "At Last" during his Inaugural Ball. Let's see: Beyonce is the hottest ticket going today, consistently selling out stadiums and venues. Etta James is performing at casinos on Indian Reservations and doing Viagra conventions in Salt Lake City. Good call, Mr. Prez. And it should be a good fight--Beyonce clearly has youth and health on her side, but if James can manage to swing the weight to her advantage... Oh, and special guest referee for this bout: Michelle Obama.
Round Three: Christian Bale vs. Russell Crowe. Ok, these two don't exactly have a beef with each other, but they are in the running for biggest truly talented star who throws tantrums like a four year old. Let's settle it once and for all. We need to get Russ out of hiding anyway. What has he done since 4:20 to Yo-Yo Ma or whatever that cowboy movie was? It's a lot like Round Two, two divas going at it. Granted these two have more chest hair, though Etta may challenge that notion. At any rate, this is Batman vs. Maximus Decimus Meridius, the Dark Knight vs. the Spaniard. That's gold. One rule, though, no foreign objects. So put down that phone, Russell!
Main Event: Ashley Judd vs. Sarah Palin, nude and in Jell-O! Come on, haven't most males already had this dream, even before the two women started arguing about whether or not it was inhumane to shoot wolves from helicopters? Yes, Palin has borne seventeen kids and probably won't look great nude. Yes, every man in America has seen all of Judd's intimate parts before. Oh, and she was nude in a few movies too. Still, something about the allure of nude women rolling over each other in gelatin with a grudge backstory...wow! We can forgive the stretch marks and pauches. If nothing else, it might teach us men to further appreciate control-top undergarments. Talk about an economic stimulus, every household in America would buy this on Pay Per View! Talk about stimulus of other regions. Or better yet, let's not.
Oh, but one final clause, win or lose, the evening is capped with putting the Jell-O covered Palin into a steel cage full or snarling, ravenous wolves.
And finally, Yea:
For Axe body wash! I just purchased their new flavor: Fire. It smells like Tang! Those who don't know me may not understand my childhood infatuation with Tang, but suffice to say it ranked just under my inappropriate desire for Betty Rubble. I would have killed to bathe in Tang as a child, and now I can.
And the good thing is it smells less like the liquid and more like the powder, which was what I really loved. I would get a tablespoon and down that shit like it was a bastardized cousin of the Pixie Stick. Had I been aware of cocaine abuse in my childhood, I would have snorted it. (Though I seriously doubt that would have been as pleasurable as it sounds.) I was the inventor of the Tang-wich. (Again, not quite as alluring as it seemed to a kindergartner.)
I can't wait til they come out with the bath beads that smell like Ovaltine!
And with that, I shall gracefully call my rant complete. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bowl to smoke with Michael Phelps. I think I'll challenge him to a game of Guitar Hero afterwards.