Out with the Old...
Today is an historic day. Max Payne is released on Blu-Ray! Wait, that can't be it. I shouldn't be so excited about a bad movie based on a bad video game that stars the former leader of the Funky Bunch. What was it about today? Oh, that's right...
Good bye, fucktard! After 8 long years of tears, liquor, and abusing prescription drugs--after two wars, both of which we are losing to Muslim teenagers--after totally buttfucking the economy and then acting surprised at the bleeding rectum--after a literal litany of fuck ups that still makes me wonder if he wasn't really planted by some force with anti-American sentiments to crumble our great nation--MadKingGeorge is no more.
Let's wipe the shit off our shoes and usher in the new era of Superman! Yes, I know Obama is not really from the Planet Krypton, I know the expectations are inhumanly high, and I know he won't fix it all overnight. Still, can't I gloat? Just for today? Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I've been gloating since November 5th, but give me this day too. OK? Then we'll worry about whether or not this stimulus package is actually going to work or be more of the same ol'.
As over a million freeze their testes or other vital organs off in the below-freezing temperatures of our nation's capital, I'll be streaming the speech live from my office--Kleenex in hand. I know he can top FDR and JFK. "Ask not what..." "The only thing we have to fear..." Screw that.
Incidentally, the two worst inaugural addresses perhaps came from James Buchanan and William Henry Harrison. Buchanan, as the country was literally about to explode into Civil War, thought maybe it was just a phase and would pass. In his words:
"Most happy will it be for the country when the public mind shall be diverted from this question to others of more pressing and practical importance."
Of more pressing importance than a civil fucking war? Ok, you rank third on the list of our nation's dumbest presidents.
Second on that list, William Henry Harrison. No need to even quote his 8000+ word address that last over 2 hours as the bystanders fell asleep. Suffice to say it was delivered in a snowstorm, on a cold day much like today, and Harrison wasn't wearing a jacket. He caught pneumonia and died two months later. Eight years ago, I would rank him the dumbest commander-in-chief for this move. Amazing how far the bar has been lowered in less than a decade.
Yes, Mr. Ex-President, we did at first "mis-underestimate" you, but these children "is" learning. It's is increasingly hard, under your regime to, put "food on the American family," and even harder for gynecologists to "practice their love with women." But if there's one thing you've taught us it's this: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." I'm sure by "we" he meant he and Dick. That's probably as honest as he's ever been.
Oh, and don't get too excited, children. Yes, the news reports are true and the "King of Corporate Crime" Dick(head) Cheney will be attending the ceremony today in a wheel chair. However, it's nothing life-threatening, just a pulled muscle in his back. I guess sometimes fucking the little people in the ass can force one to throw his back out. He's not going to die, unfortunately...not unless staked through the heart, decapitated, or exposed to direct sunlight.
But if Mr. Contrarian can't resist taking a few final jabs at the outgoing administration, perhaps one will forgive my indulgence. Obama is just so damned perfect I don't know if I'll ever get to make a joke at his expense. Even Clinton, in my book still a top-notch prezzie, left himself as wide open for humor as the legs of the ugly chicks he was tagging.
And it is with that ideal of perfection in our new leader (after all, I don't want to build him up too much), that I now turn to the coverage and prepare to weep like an investor in a Madoff Ponzi scheme as we enter into a new and exciting chapter in American history.
Right after I share this picture of me beating up a troll, that is:
Good bye, fucktard! After 8 long years of tears, liquor, and abusing prescription drugs--after two wars, both of which we are losing to Muslim teenagers--after totally buttfucking the economy and then acting surprised at the bleeding rectum--after a literal litany of fuck ups that still makes me wonder if he wasn't really planted by some force with anti-American sentiments to crumble our great nation--MadKingGeorge is no more.
Let's wipe the shit off our shoes and usher in the new era of Superman! Yes, I know Obama is not really from the Planet Krypton, I know the expectations are inhumanly high, and I know he won't fix it all overnight. Still, can't I gloat? Just for today? Oh, hell, who am I kidding, I've been gloating since November 5th, but give me this day too. OK? Then we'll worry about whether or not this stimulus package is actually going to work or be more of the same ol'.
As over a million freeze their testes or other vital organs off in the below-freezing temperatures of our nation's capital, I'll be streaming the speech live from my office--Kleenex in hand. I know he can top FDR and JFK. "Ask not what..." "The only thing we have to fear..." Screw that.
Incidentally, the two worst inaugural addresses perhaps came from James Buchanan and William Henry Harrison. Buchanan, as the country was literally about to explode into Civil War, thought maybe it was just a phase and would pass. In his words:
"Most happy will it be for the country when the public mind shall be diverted from this question to others of more pressing and practical importance."
Of more pressing importance than a civil fucking war? Ok, you rank third on the list of our nation's dumbest presidents.
Second on that list, William Henry Harrison. No need to even quote his 8000+ word address that last over 2 hours as the bystanders fell asleep. Suffice to say it was delivered in a snowstorm, on a cold day much like today, and Harrison wasn't wearing a jacket. He caught pneumonia and died two months later. Eight years ago, I would rank him the dumbest commander-in-chief for this move. Amazing how far the bar has been lowered in less than a decade.
Yes, Mr. Ex-President, we did at first "mis-underestimate" you, but these children "is" learning. It's is increasingly hard, under your regime to, put "food on the American family," and even harder for gynecologists to "practice their love with women." But if there's one thing you've taught us it's this: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." I'm sure by "we" he meant he and Dick. That's probably as honest as he's ever been.
Oh, and don't get too excited, children. Yes, the news reports are true and the "King of Corporate Crime" Dick(head) Cheney will be attending the ceremony today in a wheel chair. However, it's nothing life-threatening, just a pulled muscle in his back. I guess sometimes fucking the little people in the ass can force one to throw his back out. He's not going to die, unfortunately...not unless staked through the heart, decapitated, or exposed to direct sunlight.
But if Mr. Contrarian can't resist taking a few final jabs at the outgoing administration, perhaps one will forgive my indulgence. Obama is just so damned perfect I don't know if I'll ever get to make a joke at his expense. Even Clinton, in my book still a top-notch prezzie, left himself as wide open for humor as the legs of the ugly chicks he was tagging.
And it is with that ideal of perfection in our new leader (after all, I don't want to build him up too much), that I now turn to the coverage and prepare to weep like an investor in a Madoff Ponzi scheme as we enter into a new and exciting chapter in American history.
Right after I share this picture of me beating up a troll, that is: