Week 2 entry for October: Brigit's Flame Prompt: Fuel Note: Oh, my. It's 11:56 here, and I really hope I managed to get this in. Heh. I did this in such a hurry, just now, but I hope it still is okay.
Would you look at that, I'm one of your editors this week! Filling in for the lovely and regrettably busy pipisafoat, that is. What I do is, I read your piece several times and type out stuff which occurs to me, suggestions for improvements, grammatical/spelling errors, stuff I like (mostly) and so forth. Please take everything I say here with a huge grain of salt, since it's your story.
I like how you portray the world behind the curtain as "a lovely lovely fairy tale", it's befitting the story because what Kathryn stumbles into turns out to be quite the fairy tale. You have an excellent handle on the narrative voice in this story.
with such utter disapprovalThe "such" bugs me a little here, because it's the conclusion of a sentence. The word "such", at least in my own head, always implies a coming comma, or a conclusion following ("with such utter disapproval she didn't know what to do" and stuff like that) so just seeing a full-stop kind of stops me short. However, it does also remind me of the exuberant, exaggerative manner of speech
( ... )
Wow. You guys are really good with this editing stuff. Thanks for pointing out the grammar errors (the could! I can't believe I missed that!), and for the nice tips you've given. They'd definitely be a big help with how I write in the future! :)
It wasn't too harsh, was it? I read too late that you opted for "gentle", but I'm not too picky about the editing levels myself, so...hope I didn't take a step too far -_-
No, it's fine! I'm not a sensitive person, I only picked the gentle because this is my first time signing up for editing, and I thought the all-out thing might shock me. Heh. But anyway...your editing was really, really helpful. You pointed out things and details (or lack thereof) that I never would have thought about myself. :)
I like how you portray the world behind the curtain as "a lovely lovely fairy tale", it's befitting the story because what Kathryn stumbles into turns out to be quite the fairy tale. You have an excellent handle on the narrative voice in this story.
with such utter disapprovalThe "such" bugs me a little here, because it's the conclusion of a sentence. The word "such", at least in my own head, always implies a coming comma, or a conclusion following ("with such utter disapproval she didn't know what to do" and stuff like that) so just seeing a full-stop kind of stops me short. However, it does also remind me of the exuberant, exaggerative manner of speech ( ... )
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“I know what you’re after,”
I like this interruption.
She fights him. She likes to believe she does. Nice introspection here ( ... )
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