Week 2 entry for October: Brigit's Flame Prompt: Fuel Note: Oh, my. It's 11:56 here, and I really hope I managed to get this in. Heh. I did this in such a hurry, just now, but I hope it still is okay.
Re: Oh hai! volume 2mermaidbiaOctober 21 2008, 22:24:37 UTC
The spark of irritation grows. “We are not touching each other in any inappropriate-” “I know what you’re after,” I like this interruption.
She fights him. She likes to believe she does. Nice introspection here.
All in all, I really love this. You succeed in painting a fairy tale atmosphere while still keeping realistic characters and scenarios, your prose flows beautifully and passionately. The only slight problem I have with this, story-wise, is that I do not quite get the timeline here. You start off the story with Prince Luc asking Kathryn to dance, for the first time, and she seems to be enamored by him. The whole story appears to be one evening - Cinderella getting her wish and dancing with the prince - but eventually you add up a whole backstory to everyone's character, as though Kathryn, Luc and Michael have known each other for quite a while and she's been the Princess in waiting for a long time already (so Michael and her know each other intimately) It doesn't quite add up in my head because as a servant Kathryn could not have gotten to know Michael so well, that is, unless your switching between scenes implies a huge time gap. (However, you said that it's "the first time she steps out) It's like during the writing you suddenly decided that Kathryn has been the Princess for a while, when at the beginning she was really just a servant, and I do not quite get the dynamics of those relationships. Do you get what I mean? Maybe you could invent a few more "inbetween" passages to show the growing relationships, or at least add a few explanatory notes, so it doesn't appear so aprupt.
In all other respects, though, this is excellent work, so keep it up!
Wow. You guys are really good with this editing stuff. Thanks for pointing out the grammar errors (the could! I can't believe I missed that!), and for the nice tips you've given. They'd definitely be a big help with how I write in the future! :)
It wasn't too harsh, was it? I read too late that you opted for "gentle", but I'm not too picky about the editing levels myself, so...hope I didn't take a step too far -_-
No, it's fine! I'm not a sensitive person, I only picked the gentle because this is my first time signing up for editing, and I thought the all-out thing might shock me. Heh. But anyway...your editing was really, really helpful. You pointed out things and details (or lack thereof) that I never would have thought about myself. :)
“I know what you’re after,”
I like this interruption.
She fights him. She likes to believe she does.
Nice introspection here.
All in all, I really love this. You succeed in painting a fairy tale atmosphere while still keeping realistic characters and scenarios, your prose flows beautifully and passionately.
The only slight problem I have with this, story-wise, is that I do not quite get the timeline here. You start off the story with Prince Luc asking Kathryn to dance, for the first time, and she seems to be enamored by him. The whole story appears to be one evening - Cinderella getting her wish and dancing with the prince - but eventually you add up a whole backstory to everyone's character, as though Kathryn, Luc and Michael have known each other for quite a while and she's been the Princess in waiting for a long time already (so Michael and her know each other intimately) It doesn't quite add up in my head because as a servant Kathryn could not have gotten to know Michael so well, that is, unless your switching between scenes implies a huge time gap. (However, you said that it's "the first time she steps out) It's like during the writing you suddenly decided that Kathryn has been the Princess for a while, when at the beginning she was really just a servant, and I do not quite get the dynamics of those relationships. Do you get what I mean? Maybe you could invent a few more "inbetween" passages to show the growing relationships, or at least add a few explanatory notes, so it doesn't appear so aprupt.
In all other respects, though, this is excellent work, so keep it up!
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