The All Horror Movie Villain Football Team *EDIT 3/5*
So, I was on Collegehumor and got linked to The All-Old School Nickelodeon Football Team:
http://mydogeatsflint2.blogspot.com/2008/02/all-old-school-nickelodeon-football.html
Got me thinking....I know enough about horror villains to fill the same number of spaces....even more really. So I've filled every spot this person filled on his, and I've added in an asst. coach, color commentator, *EDIT* 10 cheerleaders (2 I remembered, 1 suggested by kill_krock), and a waterboy. Enjoy the warpedness that is my mind.
OFFENSE:
QB- Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Streets)- The quarterback of almost any team is the media face/star of that team. Therefore, why not pick one of the most popular villains of all. Also, why not pick a guy who can LITERALLY get into the opposing defenses heads....and kill them.
WR- The Creeper (Jeepers Creepers)- Lets see. A tall, fast, dude with gigantic leathery wings that let him fly....Yeah, I think flight will help with tds. Not to mention that whole "eats the body parts of his victims and incorporates them into his body" thing means endless potential for growth.
WR- Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice)- Horror doesnt have to be nonfamily friendly. Thus we get Beetlejuice. Fast, able to do basically anything with his magical powers, and known to be able to restrain defenders with random bizarre pieces of sculpture. Plus, with a sense of humor like that, the td celebration would be amazing.
RB- Chucky (Child's Play)- There are two kinds of running back. One is small and fast, the other is large and bruising. Combine gives balance. Chucky fits the first bill by being less than 3 feet tall and thus able to cut into holes no one else ever could. Anyone afraid of him being too small and thus weak need only watch any of his movies and see him easily take down people 6 times his size and keep on coming.
FB- Christine (Christine)- What. The car's a horror villain, therefore I can use it. And what better to both open holes for Chucky and run physically through and over the opponents defensive line than a 1958 Plymouth Fury spawned from hell and unable to be destroyed. Just chuck the ball in the window and stand back.
TE- Capt. Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- He may not be fast, but tight ends dont necessarily need to be. He's big though. And the large man should be able to bowl over defenders as a blocker or after he makes the catch. Plus, who doesnt love a good clown.
LT- Rusty Nail (Joy Ride)- To make double sure you get good running, you need power on the front line. Rusty Nail is a nasty middle-aged Truck driver who holds grudges. Plus, if you're lucky, he'll bring the rig onto the line with him and then youd really "nail" the defender.
LG- Michael Myers (Halloween)- Again. Toughness. Big, lumbering, slow-moving silent type who basically cannot be killed. As put by Dr. Loomis in Halloween 2, "I shot him 6 times! I shot him in the heart but... HE'S NOT HUMAN!"
C- Tiny (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- Again, toughness. Big, lumbering, silent and slow moving. Injured as a child. While he could beat the hell out of anyone, I wouldn't trust him fully to do anything other than hike the ball and then knock the opponent 6 feet into the ground.
RG- Ghostface (Scream)- Surprised? This makes more sense than youd think though. One of the first things anyone notices in Scream is Ghostface gets the shit kicked out of him. A lot. Bottles over the head, thrown through glass doors, hand slammed in doors, etc. Yet he still gets up. He still makes the kill. and in this case, if someone manages to knock him down, he'll still get up fast enough to make the play.
RT- Graboid (Tremors)- Hmm...something that can push a line back....how about a 10 foot long giant underground worm that can destroy a building with the head of steam it builds up? Nuff said.
DEFENSE:
MLB: The Man in the Yellow Raincoat (High Tension)- For those in the know of the twist ending of High Tension, I'm technically cheating here, but work with me. Put it this way. Huge dude with absolutely no remorse who beats the shit out of whatever comes into his path. Is not afraid to kill, maim, take hostages, and will drive his truck to the ends of the earth to make his point. Sounds like a linebacker to me.
LOLB: Moonface (Masters of Horror: Incident On and Off a Mountain Road)- Strong, fast, large, athletic, and menacing as all hell get out, I'm pretty sure a guy with metal teeth who finds pleasure in drilling the eyes out of his victims would be more than ready to beat the shit out of a running back who snuck through. Field might get littered with crosses with the corpses on them though, but its a give and take.
ROLB: Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)- He's large, and a bit slow, its true, but what he lacks in speed he makes up for in strength and resourcefulness. I imagine a meat mallet and chainsaw will do just as well in stuffing the runner as quickness will.
DT: Cujo (Cujo)- Again, its a villain, thus it qualifies. The dog knows no quit. It's massive, it's insatiable, it's lightning quick and eerily clever, and it will rip the quarterback's throat out.
DT: Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th series)- Large. Slow moving, yes, but large and basically unkillable. Plus, numerous times hes shown that hes basically an immovable brick wall force that can also just wreck a person on strength alone. Couple that with a machete and the qb will need to find his throwing arm before the next play.
DE: Marybeth Louise Hutchinson (The Faculty)- Everyone all at once now..."WHO????" Yes, to the uneducated it appears I just put a woman on my defensive line. Not just a woman, but a Tennessean. But Marybeth is no ordinary southern belle. Marybeth is an alien invader who can take the form of a sweet tennessee teen. That is until the movie ends and she takes on her true form. And well, suffice to say i'll put a giant space alien as long as roughly two school buses with insane acceleration on my line any day.
DE: Victor Crowley (Hatchet)- I have yet to see Hatchet but from seeing a preview at the Fango con, I know this. If you can physically remove the entire top of a person's head with one hand at the jaw, methinks you can cut it as a lineman.
CB: Malachai (Children of the Corn)- Fast, ruthless, and young, Malachai would do anything to get the ball out of the hands of the outlander wide reciever who dares enter his domain.
CB: Sweeney Tood aka Benjamin Barker (Sweeney Todd)- Todd may seem an odd choice here, but his finesse with the razor and his quickness to the kill would translate over well to a skill position where he'd have to knife in for the pick. Plus, the football helmet's notoriously bad at protecting the neck.......one hand underneath the facemask = incomplete pass.
SS: Otis Firefly (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- He's fast, he's smart, he's gangly, and he's totally out of his damn mind. The reciever probably wouldnt survive to reach the ball if Otis was on him.
FS: The Tall Man (Phantasm)- Does this really need explaining? He's tall. Really tall. Unbelievably tall. He also has an armada of silver death spheres. Something tells me the reciever would never reach the pass and, even if he did, im pretty sure The Tall Man would always have the height advantage.
SPECIAL TEAMS:
P: Angela Baker (Sleepaway Camp)- The character as a whole is too good to not have on this team. However, she's not tremendously athletic and tends to be overly quiet. Thus the best place for her is punting where she'll see the least possibility of injury. Plus, should she have to make the tackle...well lets just say few people could think of more creative ways to stop someone than her.
K: Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)- Again, can't pass up the draft pick. But, he's so obsessed with his look, itd be impossible to have him any place where he would possibly be injured. Thus, he gets the other kicking job.
KR/PR: Samara Morgan (The Ring)-Quite possibly one of the easiest placements on my team. Morgan could put Devin Hester to shame with her ability to contort seen in Ring Two, and her insane ability to basically teleport forward feet at a time, basically blazing her way down the field.
COACHING:
Off. Coord: Jigsaw (Saw)- The intricacies and levels of the traps, tricks, and plans of the consummate master serial killer would make him an ideal offensive coordinator. A mind like that could produce some of the greatest plays in the history of the game.
Def. Coord: Pinhead (Hellraiser)- Itd be damn hard to pass up anyone whose defensive playcalling would literally torture the offense. Not to mention that if someone happened to try and tape his signals....well I imagine they wouldn't be around much longer.....
Asst. Head Coach: Demon Pazuzu (The Exorcist)- He'd be the head if he'd tried to possess a stronger form from the start. Still though, a quarterback or defender seeing that the assistant coach is crab walking around the sideline spewing green vomit everywhere is probably a player who wont be causing problems.
Head Coach: The Collector (Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight)- He's a natural choice for this spot because he'd have the ability to parlay leading an army of hellspawned demons into a battle over the blood of christ perfectly into leading a group of vengeful lunatics into a massacre of their opponents. Plus the press conferences would be amazing what with his cleverness and wit.
GM: Dr. Hill (Re-Animator)- I had to go literal here. Come on. head of team...disembodied head....its just too damn perfect.
Owner: The Umbrella Corporation (Resident Evil)- What could better own this team than a secret agency that makes illegal biological weaponry that turn people into zombies? The company is known for having a stake in almost every field and every area, the sporting world would be just another conquest.
Announcing team: Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) and Jack Torrance (The Shining)- Think about it a moment. You tune into the game on the radio or tv. And you hear one voice...that dark, evil..."Hello Clarisse" voice....then another comes in...and its Jack FUCKING Nicholson. Pure perfection.
Waterboy: Pennywise the Clown (Stephen King's IT) I'd been trying to find a place to put him since I first wrote this since he's one of my favorites. Kinda hit me yesterday. Where else would you put a shapeshifting clown who lives primarily in the sewers and tells little children that their bodies will "all float down here". Now that's high quality H2O.
THE CHEERLEADERS:
Carrie (Carrie)- The nerdy, bookish cheerleader. Just don't laugh at her.....
May (May)- She's looking for the perfect cheer. She just might have to make it from the perfect parts of the other squad....
Tamara (Tamara)- It's kinda like the Harry Potter "Veela Effect". You have to have a cheerleader who has the ability to control the minds of the crowd and make them cheer for the team. Or...do other...gruesome things to themselves.....
Jenifer (Masters of Horror: Jenifer)- The cheerleader with the great body....and the monstrous carnal appetites.....
Lilith (Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood)- She was a cheerleader in the movie at one point so she has to be one here. Being the leader of the bordello though, she's the slutty cheerleader.....but she loves to neck......
Baby Firefly (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- Sheri Moon Zombie. I do believe that's all that needs to be said.
Asami Yamazaki (Audition)- The ethnic (read: asian) cheerleader. There's something special about her, I must say....and that something she keeps in her duffle bag's special too.......
(Suggested by kill_krock)
Regan McNeil (The Exorcist)- While the demon may be the assistant coach, it doesnt mean that the person it posesses throughout the films cant be around either. I kinda wanna see a cheerleader on the sideline yelling "LET JESUS FUCK YOU".
Julie Walker (Return of the Living Dead 3)- The undead goth cheerleader. What else could be said about the one dressed in black who causes herself severe bodily harm and body modification to prevent her from eating the flesh of the living. Just remember to stay away when she's hungry.....
Misty Falls (Masters of Horror: Sick Girl)- The hot lesbian cheerleader. Some might say she's a little buggy though....best to avoid the mood swings...
See that up there? That's boredom. It was fun though even if it did take 2+ hours to figure out totally. Other people could try it with less positions....musical artists...etc. I just did my specialty. and now to sleep before i pass out. later.
http://mydogeatsflint2.blogspot.com/2008/02/all-old-school-nickelodeon-football.html
Got me thinking....I know enough about horror villains to fill the same number of spaces....even more really. So I've filled every spot this person filled on his, and I've added in an asst. coach, color commentator, *EDIT* 10 cheerleaders (2 I remembered, 1 suggested by kill_krock), and a waterboy. Enjoy the warpedness that is my mind.
OFFENSE:
QB- Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Streets)- The quarterback of almost any team is the media face/star of that team. Therefore, why not pick one of the most popular villains of all. Also, why not pick a guy who can LITERALLY get into the opposing defenses heads....and kill them.
WR- The Creeper (Jeepers Creepers)- Lets see. A tall, fast, dude with gigantic leathery wings that let him fly....Yeah, I think flight will help with tds. Not to mention that whole "eats the body parts of his victims and incorporates them into his body" thing means endless potential for growth.
WR- Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice)- Horror doesnt have to be nonfamily friendly. Thus we get Beetlejuice. Fast, able to do basically anything with his magical powers, and known to be able to restrain defenders with random bizarre pieces of sculpture. Plus, with a sense of humor like that, the td celebration would be amazing.
RB- Chucky (Child's Play)- There are two kinds of running back. One is small and fast, the other is large and bruising. Combine gives balance. Chucky fits the first bill by being less than 3 feet tall and thus able to cut into holes no one else ever could. Anyone afraid of him being too small and thus weak need only watch any of his movies and see him easily take down people 6 times his size and keep on coming.
FB- Christine (Christine)- What. The car's a horror villain, therefore I can use it. And what better to both open holes for Chucky and run physically through and over the opponents defensive line than a 1958 Plymouth Fury spawned from hell and unable to be destroyed. Just chuck the ball in the window and stand back.
TE- Capt. Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- He may not be fast, but tight ends dont necessarily need to be. He's big though. And the large man should be able to bowl over defenders as a blocker or after he makes the catch. Plus, who doesnt love a good clown.
LT- Rusty Nail (Joy Ride)- To make double sure you get good running, you need power on the front line. Rusty Nail is a nasty middle-aged Truck driver who holds grudges. Plus, if you're lucky, he'll bring the rig onto the line with him and then youd really "nail" the defender.
LG- Michael Myers (Halloween)- Again. Toughness. Big, lumbering, slow-moving silent type who basically cannot be killed. As put by Dr. Loomis in Halloween 2, "I shot him 6 times! I shot him in the heart but... HE'S NOT HUMAN!"
C- Tiny (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- Again, toughness. Big, lumbering, silent and slow moving. Injured as a child. While he could beat the hell out of anyone, I wouldn't trust him fully to do anything other than hike the ball and then knock the opponent 6 feet into the ground.
RG- Ghostface (Scream)- Surprised? This makes more sense than youd think though. One of the first things anyone notices in Scream is Ghostface gets the shit kicked out of him. A lot. Bottles over the head, thrown through glass doors, hand slammed in doors, etc. Yet he still gets up. He still makes the kill. and in this case, if someone manages to knock him down, he'll still get up fast enough to make the play.
RT- Graboid (Tremors)- Hmm...something that can push a line back....how about a 10 foot long giant underground worm that can destroy a building with the head of steam it builds up? Nuff said.
DEFENSE:
MLB: The Man in the Yellow Raincoat (High Tension)- For those in the know of the twist ending of High Tension, I'm technically cheating here, but work with me. Put it this way. Huge dude with absolutely no remorse who beats the shit out of whatever comes into his path. Is not afraid to kill, maim, take hostages, and will drive his truck to the ends of the earth to make his point. Sounds like a linebacker to me.
LOLB: Moonface (Masters of Horror: Incident On and Off a Mountain Road)- Strong, fast, large, athletic, and menacing as all hell get out, I'm pretty sure a guy with metal teeth who finds pleasure in drilling the eyes out of his victims would be more than ready to beat the shit out of a running back who snuck through. Field might get littered with crosses with the corpses on them though, but its a give and take.
ROLB: Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)- He's large, and a bit slow, its true, but what he lacks in speed he makes up for in strength and resourcefulness. I imagine a meat mallet and chainsaw will do just as well in stuffing the runner as quickness will.
DT: Cujo (Cujo)- Again, its a villain, thus it qualifies. The dog knows no quit. It's massive, it's insatiable, it's lightning quick and eerily clever, and it will rip the quarterback's throat out.
DT: Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th series)- Large. Slow moving, yes, but large and basically unkillable. Plus, numerous times hes shown that hes basically an immovable brick wall force that can also just wreck a person on strength alone. Couple that with a machete and the qb will need to find his throwing arm before the next play.
DE: Marybeth Louise Hutchinson (The Faculty)- Everyone all at once now..."WHO????" Yes, to the uneducated it appears I just put a woman on my defensive line. Not just a woman, but a Tennessean. But Marybeth is no ordinary southern belle. Marybeth is an alien invader who can take the form of a sweet tennessee teen. That is until the movie ends and she takes on her true form. And well, suffice to say i'll put a giant space alien as long as roughly two school buses with insane acceleration on my line any day.
DE: Victor Crowley (Hatchet)- I have yet to see Hatchet but from seeing a preview at the Fango con, I know this. If you can physically remove the entire top of a person's head with one hand at the jaw, methinks you can cut it as a lineman.
CB: Malachai (Children of the Corn)- Fast, ruthless, and young, Malachai would do anything to get the ball out of the hands of the outlander wide reciever who dares enter his domain.
CB: Sweeney Tood aka Benjamin Barker (Sweeney Todd)- Todd may seem an odd choice here, but his finesse with the razor and his quickness to the kill would translate over well to a skill position where he'd have to knife in for the pick. Plus, the football helmet's notoriously bad at protecting the neck.......one hand underneath the facemask = incomplete pass.
SS: Otis Firefly (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- He's fast, he's smart, he's gangly, and he's totally out of his damn mind. The reciever probably wouldnt survive to reach the ball if Otis was on him.
FS: The Tall Man (Phantasm)- Does this really need explaining? He's tall. Really tall. Unbelievably tall. He also has an armada of silver death spheres. Something tells me the reciever would never reach the pass and, even if he did, im pretty sure The Tall Man would always have the height advantage.
SPECIAL TEAMS:
P: Angela Baker (Sleepaway Camp)- The character as a whole is too good to not have on this team. However, she's not tremendously athletic and tends to be overly quiet. Thus the best place for her is punting where she'll see the least possibility of injury. Plus, should she have to make the tackle...well lets just say few people could think of more creative ways to stop someone than her.
K: Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)- Again, can't pass up the draft pick. But, he's so obsessed with his look, itd be impossible to have him any place where he would possibly be injured. Thus, he gets the other kicking job.
KR/PR: Samara Morgan (The Ring)-Quite possibly one of the easiest placements on my team. Morgan could put Devin Hester to shame with her ability to contort seen in Ring Two, and her insane ability to basically teleport forward feet at a time, basically blazing her way down the field.
COACHING:
Off. Coord: Jigsaw (Saw)- The intricacies and levels of the traps, tricks, and plans of the consummate master serial killer would make him an ideal offensive coordinator. A mind like that could produce some of the greatest plays in the history of the game.
Def. Coord: Pinhead (Hellraiser)- Itd be damn hard to pass up anyone whose defensive playcalling would literally torture the offense. Not to mention that if someone happened to try and tape his signals....well I imagine they wouldn't be around much longer.....
Asst. Head Coach: Demon Pazuzu (The Exorcist)- He'd be the head if he'd tried to possess a stronger form from the start. Still though, a quarterback or defender seeing that the assistant coach is crab walking around the sideline spewing green vomit everywhere is probably a player who wont be causing problems.
Head Coach: The Collector (Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight)- He's a natural choice for this spot because he'd have the ability to parlay leading an army of hellspawned demons into a battle over the blood of christ perfectly into leading a group of vengeful lunatics into a massacre of their opponents. Plus the press conferences would be amazing what with his cleverness and wit.
GM: Dr. Hill (Re-Animator)- I had to go literal here. Come on. head of team...disembodied head....its just too damn perfect.
Owner: The Umbrella Corporation (Resident Evil)- What could better own this team than a secret agency that makes illegal biological weaponry that turn people into zombies? The company is known for having a stake in almost every field and every area, the sporting world would be just another conquest.
Announcing team: Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) and Jack Torrance (The Shining)- Think about it a moment. You tune into the game on the radio or tv. And you hear one voice...that dark, evil..."Hello Clarisse" voice....then another comes in...and its Jack FUCKING Nicholson. Pure perfection.
Waterboy: Pennywise the Clown (Stephen King's IT) I'd been trying to find a place to put him since I first wrote this since he's one of my favorites. Kinda hit me yesterday. Where else would you put a shapeshifting clown who lives primarily in the sewers and tells little children that their bodies will "all float down here". Now that's high quality H2O.
THE CHEERLEADERS:
Carrie (Carrie)- The nerdy, bookish cheerleader. Just don't laugh at her.....
May (May)- She's looking for the perfect cheer. She just might have to make it from the perfect parts of the other squad....
Tamara (Tamara)- It's kinda like the Harry Potter "Veela Effect". You have to have a cheerleader who has the ability to control the minds of the crowd and make them cheer for the team. Or...do other...gruesome things to themselves.....
Jenifer (Masters of Horror: Jenifer)- The cheerleader with the great body....and the monstrous carnal appetites.....
Lilith (Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood)- She was a cheerleader in the movie at one point so she has to be one here. Being the leader of the bordello though, she's the slutty cheerleader.....but she loves to neck......
Baby Firefly (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- Sheri Moon Zombie. I do believe that's all that needs to be said.
Asami Yamazaki (Audition)- The ethnic (read: asian) cheerleader. There's something special about her, I must say....and that something she keeps in her duffle bag's special too.......
(Suggested by kill_krock)
Regan McNeil (The Exorcist)- While the demon may be the assistant coach, it doesnt mean that the person it posesses throughout the films cant be around either. I kinda wanna see a cheerleader on the sideline yelling "LET JESUS FUCK YOU".
Julie Walker (Return of the Living Dead 3)- The undead goth cheerleader. What else could be said about the one dressed in black who causes herself severe bodily harm and body modification to prevent her from eating the flesh of the living. Just remember to stay away when she's hungry.....
Misty Falls (Masters of Horror: Sick Girl)- The hot lesbian cheerleader. Some might say she's a little buggy though....best to avoid the mood swings...
See that up there? That's boredom. It was fun though even if it did take 2+ hours to figure out totally. Other people could try it with less positions....musical artists...etc. I just did my specialty. and now to sleep before i pass out. later.